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Certainly, the Woolworth’s ‘Lolita beds’ scandal
is yet another chapter in the never-ending
story of the little girl who wore the t-shirt on
which was written (in pink and silver sequins):
‘My Mommy Dresses Me… Like A Whore.’
But unless you’re India Knight, that’s hardly
the entire debate, is it?
In fact, there’s no aspect of this farce that
doesn’t leave The Lizard slack-jawed with
incredulity.
First. In the entire company of Woolworths –
that’s 30,000 people, give or take – not a
single employee had heard of Lolita. Not one
alarm bell rang. No eye-brow was raised. No
shelf-stacker turned to the minimum-wager
beside him and said ‘Mate, why does that
name sound familiar?’ Nor did any director,
while signing off on this year’s Fittings and
Furnishings collection, say ‘Wasn’t there a
movie with a name like that?’
This in a store which plays Don’t Stand So Close
To Me (The Police) all day every day, in every
branch – a song which includes the line: ‘just
like that old man in that book by Nabokov’.
is yet another chapter in the never-ending
story of the little girl who wore the t-shirt on
which was written (in pink and silver sequins):
‘My Mommy Dresses Me… Like A Whore.’
But unless you’re India Knight, that’s hardly
the entire debate, is it?
In fact, there’s no aspect of this farce that
doesn’t leave The Lizard slack-jawed with
incredulity.
First. In the entire company of Woolworths –
that’s 30,000 people, give or take – not a
single employee had heard of Lolita. Not one
alarm bell rang. No eye-brow was raised. No
shelf-stacker turned to the minimum-wager
beside him and said ‘Mate, why does that
name sound familiar?’ Nor did any director,
while signing off on this year’s Fittings and
Furnishings collection, say ‘Wasn’t there a
movie with a name like that?’
This in a store which plays Don’t Stand So Close
To Me (The Police) all day every day, in every
branch – a song which includes the line: ‘just
like that old man in that book by Nabokov’.
Second. Of all the words in the English
language, the people responsible for branding
this product chose the one that’s not actually
English, by a Russian author, which refers to a
12-year-old girl getting into bed with her
stepfather (people like to forget that Lolita is a
consenting party). It’s pretty hard to write that
off as a total coincidence. After all, would
anyone ‘coincidentally’ name a product Kama
Sutra Baby Lotion?
Third. At the lowest level, Lolita is, plain and
simple, a book about SEX. How do people not
know about it?! The Lizard knows nothing about
Wagner, but we’re very familiar with Penetrating
Wagner’s Ring. And so…
Fourth. The full name of the product is – wait for
it – The Lolita Midsleeper Combi. How did
nobody snigger about that in board meetings?
It even sounds like a sexual position. For groups.
Fifth. If 30,000 salt-of–the-earth Woolworth’s
employees (including managers and directors)
had never heard of Lolita, why is there now a
great outcry? Though we don’t like to think
about it, just how few people would’ve worked
this out for themselves?
You do the math. We’re off to Smiths to stock
up on Humbert Humbert™ notepads and green
ink.
language, the people responsible for branding
this product chose the one that’s not actually
English, by a Russian author, which refers to a
12-year-old girl getting into bed with her
stepfather (people like to forget that Lolita is a
consenting party). It’s pretty hard to write that
off as a total coincidence. After all, would
anyone ‘coincidentally’ name a product Kama
Sutra Baby Lotion?
Third. At the lowest level, Lolita is, plain and
simple, a book about SEX. How do people not
know about it?! The Lizard knows nothing about
Wagner, but we’re very familiar with Penetrating
Wagner’s Ring. And so…
Fourth. The full name of the product is – wait for
it – The Lolita Midsleeper Combi. How did
nobody snigger about that in board meetings?
It even sounds like a sexual position. For groups.
Fifth. If 30,000 salt-of–the-earth Woolworth’s
employees (including managers and directors)
had never heard of Lolita, why is there now a
great outcry? Though we don’t like to think
about it, just how few people would’ve worked
this out for themselves?
You do the math. We’re off to Smiths to stock
up on Humbert Humbert™ notepads and green
ink.
| © lizardmagazine.com, 2008 |
| Lolita, 8-year-olds (Dude), and the wisdom of the corporate crowd Monday, February 4, 2008 |
A S H Smyth
‘The staff who run the website had never
heard of Lolita and to be honest no one
else here had either.’
- Woolworth’s spokesman, to The Times
heard of Lolita and to be honest no one
else here had either.’
- Woolworth’s spokesman, to The Times