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“No ball games” signs would come down under
the Conservatives, according to a Tory report
out this week.
This seems to show a disappointing lack of
enterprise from a party that once prided itself
on finding a private sector solution for
everything. It only takes a screwdriver and
maybe some chewing gum for the CCTV. We
could pull together as a nation and have them
all down by the weekend.
Of course, the nation’s kids would then leave
us sitting in the park with our shiny new
whistles and shin guards – while they built a
giant wicker man in the woods and set fire to
their maths teacher.
Maybe this is a problem neither screwdrivers
nor team sports can fix. Is it too late to
emigrate?
Nevertheless, the Dangerous Party for Adults,
always campaigning for more risk slathered on
the street-stall hot dog of life, was delighted to
find David Cameron borrowing our colours (we
might have to give him a minor place in our
shadow cabinet; at the back of one of the
drawers no one uses much).
The Tory report on childhood also proposed
scrapping health and safety regulations which
prevent schoolchildren going on school trips and
activities deemed too "risky".
And who can argue with that, even if it is in the
Daily Mail?
The trouble is, we can’t help feeling that by the
time it ended up as policy, activities deemed
“not risky” would have been subtly redefined
as, “giving money to the government to pay a
special committee to fly to Shanghai and Las
Vegas - where they will spend any leftover
cash on blackjack – in order to develop a
working paper on the bureaucracy necessary
to facilitate the gradual unscrewing of the
annoying signs it put up in the first place”.
the Conservatives, according to a Tory report
out this week.
This seems to show a disappointing lack of
enterprise from a party that once prided itself
on finding a private sector solution for
everything. It only takes a screwdriver and
maybe some chewing gum for the CCTV. We
could pull together as a nation and have them
all down by the weekend.
Of course, the nation’s kids would then leave
us sitting in the park with our shiny new
whistles and shin guards – while they built a
giant wicker man in the woods and set fire to
their maths teacher.
Maybe this is a problem neither screwdrivers
nor team sports can fix. Is it too late to
emigrate?
Nevertheless, the Dangerous Party for Adults,
always campaigning for more risk slathered on
the street-stall hot dog of life, was delighted to
find David Cameron borrowing our colours (we
might have to give him a minor place in our
shadow cabinet; at the back of one of the
drawers no one uses much).
The Tory report on childhood also proposed
scrapping health and safety regulations which
prevent schoolchildren going on school trips and
activities deemed too "risky".
And who can argue with that, even if it is in the
Daily Mail?
The trouble is, we can’t help feeling that by the
time it ended up as policy, activities deemed
“not risky” would have been subtly redefined
as, “giving money to the government to pay a
special committee to fly to Shanghai and Las
Vegas - where they will spend any leftover
cash on blackjack – in order to develop a
working paper on the bureaucracy necessary
to facilitate the gradual unscrewing of the
annoying signs it put up in the first place”.
You just know that the local authority will end
up replacing the sign three times before the
Westminster wonks have figured out how to
take the first one down. So when the Official
Certified Sign-Remover-General (BA, Notting Hill)
turns up on his fairtrade bicycle, he won’t have
the right tools. So the whole process will start
all over again…
The Lizard has a much better idea, David. Forget
about changing the signs; let’s just try ignoring
them. It’s not a rule; it’s a improvised goalpost.
Politicians won’t like it much – they hate the
idea of people not listening to things that
politicians write on signs, even if they admit it
makes no sense. Then again, politicians won’t
like it much: surely all the more reason for the
rest of us to give it a go. Turning a blind eye to
the bureaucrats and fun-manglers, we can get
on with the important things in life, such as
mixed volleyball.
Civil disobedience beats commissions of risk and
commissions of health and safety. It beats
hanging around the park stopping grouchy
teens from performing ritual sacrifice too close
to the kiddy play area. And when it comes to
disobedience, we’d find the younger generation
already way ahead of us.
up replacing the sign three times before the
Westminster wonks have figured out how to
take the first one down. So when the Official
Certified Sign-Remover-General (BA, Notting Hill)
turns up on his fairtrade bicycle, he won’t have
the right tools. So the whole process will start
all over again…
The Lizard has a much better idea, David. Forget
about changing the signs; let’s just try ignoring
them. It’s not a rule; it’s a improvised goalpost.
Politicians won’t like it much – they hate the
idea of people not listening to things that
politicians write on signs, even if they admit it
makes no sense. Then again, politicians won’t
like it much: surely all the more reason for the
rest of us to give it a go. Turning a blind eye to
the bureaucrats and fun-manglers, we can get
on with the important things in life, such as
mixed volleyball.
Civil disobedience beats commissions of risk and
commissions of health and safety. It beats
hanging around the park stopping grouchy
teens from performing ritual sacrifice too close
to the kiddy play area. And when it comes to
disobedience, we’d find the younger generation
already way ahead of us.
| © lizardmagazine.com, 2008 |
| The UK needs more balls Wednesday, February 6, 2008 |
Marc Sidwell