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The Lizard feels compelled to respond to the
disturbing news that St. Thomas’ Hospital in
London has ‘launched a probe into the soaring
number of people coming through its doors
suffering from ice skating injuries.’
Apparently, the months of December and
January saw a spectacular increase in patients
being admitted for ‘breaks, cuts and
concussions’ all related in some way to ice.
Several thoughts present themselves.
Firstly, could this mean that Britain has finally
caught the ice hockey bug? If so, The Lizard
fully endorses this trend. (Ice) Hockey is
arguably the only man’s game left in the wide
world of sports. The sight of footballers rolling
around the pitch screaming like rape victims
because they were (maybe) touched by
another human being is enough to send any
sports fan over the edge (or at least onto the
rink).
Hockey is the last bastion of toothless
machismo, in which players are subjected to
astonishing physical punishment, and fistfights
are actively encouraged. There are few more
glorious sights than two hockey players
ditching their helmets and pummelling each
other in the head while the referees stand idly
by letting them sort out their differences the
old-fashioned way.
disturbing news that St. Thomas’ Hospital in
London has ‘launched a probe into the soaring
number of people coming through its doors
suffering from ice skating injuries.’
Apparently, the months of December and
January saw a spectacular increase in patients
being admitted for ‘breaks, cuts and
concussions’ all related in some way to ice.
Several thoughts present themselves.
Firstly, could this mean that Britain has finally
caught the ice hockey bug? If so, The Lizard
fully endorses this trend. (Ice) Hockey is
arguably the only man’s game left in the wide
world of sports. The sight of footballers rolling
around the pitch screaming like rape victims
because they were (maybe) touched by
another human being is enough to send any
sports fan over the edge (or at least onto the
rink).
Hockey is the last bastion of toothless
machismo, in which players are subjected to
astonishing physical punishment, and fistfights
are actively encouraged. There are few more
glorious sights than two hockey players
ditching their helmets and pummelling each
other in the head while the referees stand idly
by letting them sort out their differences the
old-fashioned way.
[Confession: Most of the other thoughts we had
about this 'hot' topic involved the dangers of
ordering drinks ‘on the rocks’.]
Meanwhile, in an effort to gauge public opinion
on the burning issue of soaring ice skating
injuries, The Lizard decided to conduct a quick
vox pop on the London streets. Responses
ranged from “Ban ice skating!” to “Ban ice!”
We fear it is only a matter of time before the
government acts.
But if we are really serious as a nation about
responding to this epidemic of ice-related
injuries, it is a moral imperative that we set
about immediately accelerating the process of
‘dangerous global warming’.
There are many ways we can each do our part
to help destroy the planet and melt all the
hazardous ice. Revving our Ferraris. Leaving our
HDTVs on permanent standby. Hot tub parties.
If we pull together, united in our common
humanity, free of those restrictive bikini
bottoms, we can put an end once and for all to
those pesky ‘breaks, cuts and concussions’.
As Ogden Nash might have said: Ice is nice, but
neater is sweeter.
about this 'hot' topic involved the dangers of
ordering drinks ‘on the rocks’.]
Meanwhile, in an effort to gauge public opinion
on the burning issue of soaring ice skating
injuries, The Lizard decided to conduct a quick
vox pop on the London streets. Responses
ranged from “Ban ice skating!” to “Ban ice!”
We fear it is only a matter of time before the
government acts.
But if we are really serious as a nation about
responding to this epidemic of ice-related
injuries, it is a moral imperative that we set
about immediately accelerating the process of
‘dangerous global warming’.
There are many ways we can each do our part
to help destroy the planet and melt all the
hazardous ice. Revving our Ferraris. Leaving our
HDTVs on permanent standby. Hot tub parties.
If we pull together, united in our common
humanity, free of those restrictive bikini
bottoms, we can put an end once and for all to
those pesky ‘breaks, cuts and concussions’.
As Ogden Nash might have said: Ice is nice, but
neater is sweeter.
| © lizardmagazine.com, 2008 |
| Don't ban ice; help melt it Friday, February 8, 2008 |
Dominic Hilton