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In the first of our regular insights into the
candidates for President of the United States,
Dominic Hilton takes a long, hard look at Mrs. Bill
"Hillary" Clinton.
Financial wizardry is not an attribute to which
we at The Lizard could sensibly lay claim. (You
should have seen the fight for the single
Danish at our last editorial board meeting.)
But even we are not so fiscally inept that we
cannot see the inherent boneheadedness of
Mrs. Bill “Hillary” Clinton’s plans for the US
economy.
“Hillary” is currently campaigning to become
the first ever Presidentwoman of the United
States (discounting the disgraced Richard
Nixon). Here’s how the supportive New York
Times recorded her comments this week:
candidates for President of the United States,
Dominic Hilton takes a long, hard look at Mrs. Bill
"Hillary" Clinton.
Financial wizardry is not an attribute to which
we at The Lizard could sensibly lay claim. (You
should have seen the fight for the single
Danish at our last editorial board meeting.)
But even we are not so fiscally inept that we
cannot see the inherent boneheadedness of
Mrs. Bill “Hillary” Clinton’s plans for the US
economy.
“Hillary” is currently campaigning to become
the first ever Presidentwoman of the United
States (discounting the disgraced Richard
Nixon). Here’s how the supportive New York
Times recorded her comments this week:
Readers should be in no doubt that it is just
pure coincidence that “Hillary”’s plans to
massively increase the interventionist power of
government will mainly benefit, er, President
“Hillary”.
Mrs. Bill “Hillary” Clinton is almost universally
described as “intelligent”. Indeed, Mrs. Bill
“Hillary” Clinton is so “intelligent” that back in
the 1990s she single-handedly designed a new
and radical healthcare program for the United
States that nobody but her and her husband
understood.
But what do we mean by “intelligent”? That Mrs.
Clinton has mastered the details of her own
boneheaded ideas? The world is already littered
with Professors and Nobel Laureates who still
think Marxist-Leninism is the solution to the
world’s ills. That kind of “intelligence” we can
well do without.*
“Hillary” is what political pundits in bow ties call
a “polarising” figure, which means that she
leaves voters cold, like the polar ice caps. She is
famous not only in America but the world over
for
But if she becomes the first ever
Presidentwoman of the United States, Mrs. Bill
“Hillary” Clinton will single-handedly (with a red
army of bureaucrats) shatter The American
Dream. Specifically, we mean our dream of one
day being American.
Be in no doubt: if “Hillary” scuppers our plans to
park a fleet of Lizard-green Ferraris in our Malibu
McMansion, we’ll have to think seriously about
moving our operation to a more investment-
friendly location, like Zimbabwe.
Which, of course, leaves only one big question:
As First Man, will Bill be more Jackie or Nancy?
The world deserves to know about his plans to
wallpaper the Lincoln Bedroom before a handful
of hunters in Ohio cast their ballots the wrong
way in November.
---
* The Lizard much prefers those illiterate guys
down at the track who in about 0.43 seconds
can calculate the odds of The Lizard nag, Myface,
finishing a race without breaking all four legs.
pure coincidence that “Hillary”’s plans to
massively increase the interventionist power of
government will mainly benefit, er, President
“Hillary”.
Mrs. Bill “Hillary” Clinton is almost universally
described as “intelligent”. Indeed, Mrs. Bill
“Hillary” Clinton is so “intelligent” that back in
the 1990s she single-handedly designed a new
and radical healthcare program for the United
States that nobody but her and her husband
understood.
But what do we mean by “intelligent”? That Mrs.
Clinton has mastered the details of her own
boneheaded ideas? The world is already littered
with Professors and Nobel Laureates who still
think Marxist-Leninism is the solution to the
world’s ills. That kind of “intelligence” we can
well do without.*
“Hillary” is what political pundits in bow ties call
a “polarising” figure, which means that she
leaves voters cold, like the polar ice caps. She is
famous not only in America but the world over
for
- Wearing glasses at Yale that were triple
glazed - Dating Rosie O’Donnell
- Making President Clinton 42 mop up the
Oval Office bathroom sink - Taking a village by force in which to raise
her child, Fulham - Trying to make healthcare more sociable
- Buying a house in America just so she can
be its Presidentwoman - Whitewater rafting
- Supporting your sports team
But if she becomes the first ever
Presidentwoman of the United States, Mrs. Bill
“Hillary” Clinton will single-handedly (with a red
army of bureaucrats) shatter The American
Dream. Specifically, we mean our dream of one
day being American.
Be in no doubt: if “Hillary” scuppers our plans to
park a fleet of Lizard-green Ferraris in our Malibu
McMansion, we’ll have to think seriously about
moving our operation to a more investment-
friendly location, like Zimbabwe.
Which, of course, leaves only one big question:
As First Man, will Bill be more Jackie or Nancy?
The world deserves to know about his plans to
wallpaper the Lincoln Bedroom before a handful
of hunters in Ohio cast their ballots the wrong
way in November.
---
* The Lizard much prefers those illiterate guys
down at the track who in about 0.43 seconds
can calculate the odds of The Lizard nag, Myface,
finishing a race without breaking all four legs.
| © lizardmagazine.com, 2008 |
Dominic Hilton
| Hillary shatters The Lizard's American Dream Tuesday, January 22, 2008 |
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton said that
if she became president, the federal
government would take a more active
role in the economy to address what she
called the excesses of the market
…
Reflecting what her aides said were very
different conditions today, Mrs. Clinton
put her emphasis on issues like inequality
and the role of institutions like
government, rather than market forces,
in addressing them.
…
“If you go back and look at our history,
we were most successful when we had
that balance between an effective,
vigorous government and a dynamic,
appropriately regulated market,” Mrs.
Clinton said. “And we have systematically
diminished the role and the responsibility
of our government, and we have
watched our market become imbalanced.”
She added: “I want to get back to the
appropriate balance of power between
government and the market.”
if she became president, the federal
government would take a more active
role in the economy to address what she
called the excesses of the market
…
Reflecting what her aides said were very
different conditions today, Mrs. Clinton
put her emphasis on issues like inequality
and the role of institutions like
government, rather than market forces,
in addressing them.
…
“If you go back and look at our history,
we were most successful when we had
that balance between an effective,
vigorous government and a dynamic,
appropriately regulated market,” Mrs.
Clinton said. “And we have systematically
diminished the role and the responsibility
of our government, and we have
watched our market become imbalanced.”
She added: “I want to get back to the
appropriate balance of power between
government and the market.”
In other words, America under President Bill
“Hillary” Clinton will look and feel exactly like
Zimbabwe under President Robert “Bananas”
Mugabe.
When we haven’t been playing frog leap with
our interns, we in The Lizard office have spent
the last few days trying to construe the exact
meaning of “Hillary”’s plans. Specifically, we
have been trying to figure out how anyone can
“balance” vigorous government with market
regulation. After days racking our brains we
concluded, correctly, that “vigorous
government and market regulation are the
same bloody thing, aren’t they?”
Hillary’s remarks are reminiscent of the kind of
economic logic you used to hear coming out of
the Soviet Union. Even China has figured out
that it’s not so great an idea for the
government to “take a more active role in the
economy”. The idea that “institutions like
government” should “address” today’s
“different conditions” (meaning the option to
work hard, get rich, and fill your hot tub with
bikinied young models?) sends a shiver down
the spines of our interns. Meanwhile,
“effective, vigorous government”? HAHAHAHA.
That’s a good one, Hill! CLASSIC!
“Hillary” Clinton will look and feel exactly like
Zimbabwe under President Robert “Bananas”
Mugabe.
When we haven’t been playing frog leap with
our interns, we in The Lizard office have spent
the last few days trying to construe the exact
meaning of “Hillary”’s plans. Specifically, we
have been trying to figure out how anyone can
“balance” vigorous government with market
regulation. After days racking our brains we
concluded, correctly, that “vigorous
government and market regulation are the
same bloody thing, aren’t they?”
Hillary’s remarks are reminiscent of the kind of
economic logic you used to hear coming out of
the Soviet Union. Even China has figured out
that it’s not so great an idea for the
government to “take a more active role in the
economy”. The idea that “institutions like
government” should “address” today’s
“different conditions” (meaning the option to
work hard, get rich, and fill your hot tub with
bikinied young models?) sends a shiver down
the spines of our interns. Meanwhile,
“effective, vigorous government”? HAHAHAHA.
That’s a good one, Hill! CLASSIC!