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According to a poll conducted by internet giant
AOL more than half of Britons spend roughly
fifteen days a year ‘lost in cyberspace’.
Over the course of a lifetime this adds up to
‘three years of wasted time online’.
Here is how The Lizard editors responded to
this news in its editorial meeting on Monday
morning:
DOMINIC HILTON: Girls, did you see that poll
about how Britons are wasting thirty years or
something of their life online?
A S H SMYTH: Yes, I read it in London Lite, my
paper of choice.
MARC SIDWELL: (away)
DOMINIC HILTON: And what did you make of it?
A S H SMYTH: I made this hat I’m wearing.
DOMINIC HILTON: It’s pretty, really, but I
meant what did you make of the story?
A S H SMYTH: It clenched my buttocks.
DOMINIC HILTON: So I see. I’m wondering how
we should respond to it.
A S H SMYTH: Respond to them. Buttocks are
plural.
DOMINIC HILTON: The story. What is the
official Lizard position?
A S H SMYTH: (demonstrates)
DOMINIC HILTON: Tasty. I think I’ve already
seen enough of your buttocks for one day.
A S H SMYTH: But we’ve got that event tonight,
remember?
DOMINIC HILTON: Look, Alice, I think we need
to write an editorial on this online timewasting
issue, then post it, online.
A S H SMYTH: Didn’t you write something
brilliant in defence of timewasting recently, a
piece that really should win you lots of awards?
DOMINIC HILTON: Well remembered. So I did.
A S H SMYTH: Well, don’t you think you should
at least provide a link to that?
DOMINIC HILTON: Yes.
A S H SMYTH: So what do you think our official
response to the poll should be?
DOMINIC HILTON: Well, having read that copy
you filed last night, I don’t think that The Lizard
has any choice but to come out in favour of
wasting time online.
A S H SMYTH: You mean, we should actively
endorse wasting our readers’ time?
DOMINIC HILTON: Yup.
A S H SMYTH: Really?
DOMINIC HILTON: Defo.
A S H SMYTH: I like it.
DOMINIC HILTON: So do I.
A S H SMYTH: Me too, hombre.
DOMINIC HILTON: Moi aussi, girlfriend.
AOL more than half of Britons spend roughly
fifteen days a year ‘lost in cyberspace’.
Over the course of a lifetime this adds up to
‘three years of wasted time online’.
Here is how The Lizard editors responded to
this news in its editorial meeting on Monday
morning:
DOMINIC HILTON: Girls, did you see that poll
about how Britons are wasting thirty years or
something of their life online?
A S H SMYTH: Yes, I read it in London Lite, my
paper of choice.
MARC SIDWELL: (away)
DOMINIC HILTON: And what did you make of it?
A S H SMYTH: I made this hat I’m wearing.
DOMINIC HILTON: It’s pretty, really, but I
meant what did you make of the story?
A S H SMYTH: It clenched my buttocks.
DOMINIC HILTON: So I see. I’m wondering how
we should respond to it.
A S H SMYTH: Respond to them. Buttocks are
plural.
DOMINIC HILTON: The story. What is the
official Lizard position?
A S H SMYTH: (demonstrates)
DOMINIC HILTON: Tasty. I think I’ve already
seen enough of your buttocks for one day.
A S H SMYTH: But we’ve got that event tonight,
remember?
DOMINIC HILTON: Look, Alice, I think we need
to write an editorial on this online timewasting
issue, then post it, online.
A S H SMYTH: Didn’t you write something
brilliant in defence of timewasting recently, a
piece that really should win you lots of awards?
DOMINIC HILTON: Well remembered. So I did.
A S H SMYTH: Well, don’t you think you should
at least provide a link to that?
DOMINIC HILTON: Yes.
A S H SMYTH: So what do you think our official
response to the poll should be?
DOMINIC HILTON: Well, having read that copy
you filed last night, I don’t think that The Lizard
has any choice but to come out in favour of
wasting time online.
A S H SMYTH: You mean, we should actively
endorse wasting our readers’ time?
DOMINIC HILTON: Yup.
A S H SMYTH: Really?
DOMINIC HILTON: Defo.
A S H SMYTH: I like it.
DOMINIC HILTON: So do I.
A S H SMYTH: Me too, hombre.
DOMINIC HILTON: Moi aussi, girlfriend.
A S H SMYTH: I think this is a breakthrough
moment. We should celebrate. Jailbait, crack
open another bottle, will you?
KRYSTAL: I’m on it now.
DOMINIC HILTON/A S H SMYTH: That’s what she
said to me last night.
KRYSTAL: You boys are the funniest,
handsomest editor-wingmen I’ve ever known.
DOMINIC HILTON: You mean, in the biblical
sense, right?
KRYSTAL: I’m sorry?
DOMINIC HILTON: You will be.
A S H SMYTH: Drink!
DOMINIC HILTON: There is another issue here,
though, Adele.
A S H SMYTH: I thought we only just brought
out another issue.
DOMINIC HILTON: No, I mean in regards to that
story about online timewasting.
A S H SMYTH: What story about online
timewasting?
DOMINIC HILTON: The one we’ve been talking
about for the past five minutes.
A S H SMYTH: I think I fell asleep.
DOMINIC HILTON: It occurs to me that if people
are going to waste so much of their lives lost in
cyberspace, they may as well waste it logged
on to The Lizard.
A S H SMYTH: Cheers!
DOMINIC HILTON: Yes, The Lizard could be like
Richard Pryor in Superman III.
A S H SMYTH: Er, OK. You want to explain that
statement a little?
DOMINIC HILTON: Well, you remember how in
Superman III Richard Pryor collects all those
fractions of cents that get lost in the ether
when people round up company paychecks?
A S H SMYTH: Nope.
DOMINIC HILTON: We could do the same with
online users. If we could just stop people
surfing around the web aimlessly and just get
them to stick on The Lizard, we’d have, by my
calculations, 2 billion loyal readers for the next
thirty odd years.
A S H SMYTH: You think the next thirty years are
going to be odd?
DOMINIC HILTON: I do now. All we have to do is
ensure that every piece we publish on The
Lizard is a total waste of our readers’ time. Do
you think we can pull it off?
A S H SMYTH: Dude, we can pull anything… er,
off.
DOMINIC HILTON: Ooooh, that almost came off,
dawg. Nice effort.
A S H SMYTH: Listen, I am confident we can
waste the shit out of people’s time. If we do our
job as editors, we can finely tune every piece to
have absolutely no point to it whatsoever.
DOMINIC HILTON: Right. Let’s do it!
A S H SMYTH: Once more into my breeches, dear
friend!
DOMINIC HILTON: Easy, bucko. Save it for that
event tonight. We’ve got work to do.
moment. We should celebrate. Jailbait, crack
open another bottle, will you?
KRYSTAL: I’m on it now.
DOMINIC HILTON/A S H SMYTH: That’s what she
said to me last night.
KRYSTAL: You boys are the funniest,
handsomest editor-wingmen I’ve ever known.
DOMINIC HILTON: You mean, in the biblical
sense, right?
KRYSTAL: I’m sorry?
DOMINIC HILTON: You will be.
A S H SMYTH: Drink!
DOMINIC HILTON: There is another issue here,
though, Adele.
A S H SMYTH: I thought we only just brought
out another issue.
DOMINIC HILTON: No, I mean in regards to that
story about online timewasting.
A S H SMYTH: What story about online
timewasting?
DOMINIC HILTON: The one we’ve been talking
about for the past five minutes.
A S H SMYTH: I think I fell asleep.
DOMINIC HILTON: It occurs to me that if people
are going to waste so much of their lives lost in
cyberspace, they may as well waste it logged
on to The Lizard.
A S H SMYTH: Cheers!
DOMINIC HILTON: Yes, The Lizard could be like
Richard Pryor in Superman III.
A S H SMYTH: Er, OK. You want to explain that
statement a little?
DOMINIC HILTON: Well, you remember how in
Superman III Richard Pryor collects all those
fractions of cents that get lost in the ether
when people round up company paychecks?
A S H SMYTH: Nope.
DOMINIC HILTON: We could do the same with
online users. If we could just stop people
surfing around the web aimlessly and just get
them to stick on The Lizard, we’d have, by my
calculations, 2 billion loyal readers for the next
thirty odd years.
A S H SMYTH: You think the next thirty years are
going to be odd?
DOMINIC HILTON: I do now. All we have to do is
ensure that every piece we publish on The
Lizard is a total waste of our readers’ time. Do
you think we can pull it off?
A S H SMYTH: Dude, we can pull anything… er,
off.
DOMINIC HILTON: Ooooh, that almost came off,
dawg. Nice effort.
A S H SMYTH: Listen, I am confident we can
waste the shit out of people’s time. If we do our
job as editors, we can finely tune every piece to
have absolutely no point to it whatsoever.
DOMINIC HILTON: Right. Let’s do it!
A S H SMYTH: Once more into my breeches, dear
friend!
DOMINIC HILTON: Easy, bucko. Save it for that
event tonight. We’ve got work to do.
| © lizardmagazine.com, 2008 |
| Our cast iron commitment to wasting your time Tuesday, January 29, 2008 |
Dominic Hilton