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Emma Answers
The Lizard's bi-weekly agony aunt sets men straight                

Wednesday, February 13, 2008


    I’m really poor. How do I get really rich?


    Like Mr Muscle, you’re going to have to learn to love the jobs that other
    people hate. Having said that, nobody ever got rich by cleaning toilets, and it
    seems to me that a move into the sex industry would be your best bet. Generally
    speaking, the more peculiar a punter’s fetish is, the more cash they are willing to
    part with in order to see it catered for. If you’re prepared to have hamster mix
    licked off your nipples by a man dressed as the Eiffel Tower, or call a four-foot
    dwarf ‘Your Imperial High Majesty’ as he flogs you with a Frisbee, you won’t be
    poor for long.

    If I find my wife in bed with the milkman, and throw him out of the
    window, am I still obliged to settle his bill in full at the month’s end?


    Yes. But don’t despair. He’s obliged to pay you for the damage to the flowerbeds.



    My girlfriend appears to be developing a penchant for bestiality. Which
    animal should I pretend to be?

    That depends on how seriously you want to take your girlfriend’s new kink. If you
    want to play along, I would suggest that you impersonate a large, warm-blooded
    mammal that gives good maul. A wolf or a grizzly bear would be ideal. Buy her a
    pair of bunny ears and a fluffy tail from any old sex-tat shop, and take her to the
    nearest wood for the afternoon. You can then pounce on her while she perches
    on a tree stump with a blade of grass in her mouth.

    If, on the other hand, your other half’s subscription to BeastToons.com appals
    you, and you want to snap her out of it pronto, my top three picks would be (in
    no particular order) llama, wombat and giant squid.


    I am trying to do the nasty with a Russian Lit. student, but I’ve been
    reading Anna Karenina since Christmas (2006) and don’t know how it
    ends. Any thoughts?

    Richard E. Grant’s assessment of Russian Literature in ‘Withnail and I’ – that it
    chiefly consists of people whining about ducks going to Moscow – isn’t far wide of
    the mark. If I were you, I’d put down Anna Karenina and pick up some
    undemanding chick-lit instead. If the object of your affections spends day after
    dreary day in the library with Anton Chekhov and Alexander Solzhenitsyn, she’s
    definitely not going to want to come home to a man who whacks off over Tolstoy.
    If you want to win her over, keep heavy conversation to a minimum, and crank
    your central heating up as far as it’ll go.


    I drive a 1974 tan Morris Minor, and was thinking of investing in a pink
    fluffy tennis-ball knob for the gear-stick. The only problem is, it’s an
    automatic. What should I do?

    Drive it, and yourself, into the nearest wall at top speed. That’ll be around twenty-
    seven miles per hour, then.


    My divorce finally came through last week. Whilst I’m enjoying the single
    life, I have needs. Where should I go in order to meet broad-minded,
    available young women?

    Start hanging around large bookshops in the early evening. People who stop by
    Waterstones on their way home from work have, by definition, nobody to rush
    home to. As far as broad-mindedness goes, keep an eye out for women reading
    English-language versions of foreign classics. If they weren’t filthy, nobody would
    bother to translate them.

    If that doesn’t work, try Destiny in Watford.


    I’ve never been quite sure what I think about listening to music while
    you’re shagging someone. Is it a good idea? If so, which songs would you
    recommend?

    Although sex-themed playlists are generally considered to be creepy and weird,
    there’s nothing wrong in principle with putting on a CD before pulling off your
    clothes. Make sure you vary your choice of music to suit your partner, though.
    An intellectual might take post-modernist pleasure in listening to one of Pulp or
    Faithless’s more obscure offerings, whilst fans of the film ‘American Psycho’ will
    undoubtedly get off on vintage Phil Collins. Anything by Massive Attack or
    Morcheeba is a safe, if predictable, bet, and you should steer well clear of parodies
    by Weird Al Yankovic, Tom Lehrer or Adam Kay. Nobody wants to listen to “You
    Look Like Shit (When You Wear Nothing At All)” when they’ve got their legs
    jammed half-way behind their head, do they?


© lizardmagazine.com, 2008

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