 |
| Check out our blog the monitor |
| Sign me up to receive the free weekly |
| OUR OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY |
| _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ |
| CONTACT THE LIZARD |
| Updated at least 26½ times a day |
The 50 Most Important Questions
Facing Mankind
by Dominic Hilton
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Today’s column will take a serious look at the
current state of affairs across the globe and ask
the vital question, “What the hell?”
After extensive consultation with my own notebooks, I have identified
the 50 Most Important Questions Facing Mankind, then left those
questions completely unanswered. I have done this for three good
reasons:
So, without further ado, I hereby present the 50 Most Important
Questions Facing Mankind (in no particular order):
1. Why do Americans drop the ‘h’ on the word herbs?
2. How come actors in period dramas always have hairdos that happen
to be trendy at the time the period drama was being filmed, but are
nothing like the hairstyles people actually sported in the period in which
the drama is supposed to be set?
3. What is cybersex and have I ever had it?
4. How come your parents can’t operate their remote control?
5. Why do women think that everything small is cuter?
6. What’s so sexy about pole dancing anyway?
7. Why do perfume ads have to be so weird?
8. Does anything ever happen in Finland now that the Cold War is over?
9. Has there ever been a song more annoying than Que Sera Sera?
10. Why did George Lucas redub Aunt Beru’s response to Uncle Owen’s
question, “Did he take those droids with him?” from “I think so” to
“I think so”?
11. Why are red states called red states when red-staters hate reds?
12. Is there a good way to drain lettuce after you’ve washed it?
13. How come Marty McFly’s parents don’t notice that their son is the
same Marty they knew back in 1955?
14. Why do so many immigrants want to come to Britain anyhow – for
the weather?
15. Why can’t I grow sideburns?
16. Exactly why is there ‘a massive shortage of helicopter pilots’ these
days?
17. Is there really something called Puppy Bowl III?
18. If we’ve been living in a low inflation economy for the past 25 years,
how come a can of Coke now cost 75p ($1.50) when it used to cost just
16p?
19. Why are all rich men short?
20. Are there really such things as “family conversation starters” that
you can order over the phone?
21. What exactly are ‘online pull-ups’?
22. Aren’t boxers embarrassed to be classified as ‘featherweight’?
23. What does ‘awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww’ mean?
24. How come the lingerie mannequins in Marks and Spencer turn me on?
25. Seriously, is there something wrong with me?
26. Why do men ‘drink far more than women’? Is it women’s fault?
27. How come some days my forehand keeps landing a few inches
beyond the baseline?
28. Whatever happened to short shorts?
29. How does Christie Brinkley still look soooooooo good?
30. Does anybody waste away in Margaritaville anymore?
31. Just who exactly are the people in the audience who applaud wildly
for each number drawn in the National Lottery Draw?
32. And do they vote?
33. Is it not the case that roughly ten minutes into Edward Elgar’s early
oratorio, The Black Knight, the choir start singing, “Up the Ar-se-nal!”?
34. How come more jokes aren’t made about my beloved Arse ‘n’ all?
35. If you removed his platform shoes and his bouffant, would North
Korean nutball Kim Jong-il really be less than 4 foot tall?
36. Or did I just make that rumour up?
37. Why are girls so much prettier in the noughties than they ever were
in the nineties?
38. How come I still see people wearing those woolly Ugg boots?
39. Why doesn’t Macbeth just croak his silly cow of a wife and be done
with it?
40. Just what or who inspires footballers to dress like that?
41. How is it that Bill Gates doesn’t require round-the-clock bodyguard
protection?
42. Is there anything that a can of Coca-Cola can’t fix (except my
financial woes)?
43. What is it with ‘sensible shoes’?
44. What was the point in being alive before the invention of the
Wonderbra?
45. Where did my other sock go?
46. Why is the girl next door never a ‘girl next door’?
47. Why can’t Pennsylvania drivers merge (and the same goes for
drivers in New York, New Jersey and Maryland)?
48. Why won’t anyone believe that I was abducted by aliens?
49. Why can’t I think of any more questions?
50. No really, why?
Facing Mankind
by Dominic Hilton
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Today’s column will take a serious look at the
current state of affairs across the globe and ask
the vital question, “What the hell?”
After extensive consultation with my own notebooks, I have identified
the 50 Most Important Questions Facing Mankind, then left those
questions completely unanswered. I have done this for three good
reasons:
- It affords you, the reader, an opportunity to chew on the 50
questions yourselves and perhaps toss them back and forth with
your colleagues or loved ones. - Do I mean chew on the questions? Or is it stew on the questions?
And what do I mean by ‘toss them back and forth’? That just
sounds weird. For all I know your colleagues are your loved ones. - I honestly don’t know the answer to any of the 50 Most Important
Questions Facing Mankind, and besides I’d already exceeded my
word count.
So, without further ado, I hereby present the 50 Most Important
Questions Facing Mankind (in no particular order):
1. Why do Americans drop the ‘h’ on the word herbs?
2. How come actors in period dramas always have hairdos that happen
to be trendy at the time the period drama was being filmed, but are
nothing like the hairstyles people actually sported in the period in which
the drama is supposed to be set?
3. What is cybersex and have I ever had it?
4. How come your parents can’t operate their remote control?
5. Why do women think that everything small is cuter?
6. What’s so sexy about pole dancing anyway?
7. Why do perfume ads have to be so weird?
8. Does anything ever happen in Finland now that the Cold War is over?
9. Has there ever been a song more annoying than Que Sera Sera?
10. Why did George Lucas redub Aunt Beru’s response to Uncle Owen’s
question, “Did he take those droids with him?” from “I think so” to
“I think so”?
11. Why are red states called red states when red-staters hate reds?
12. Is there a good way to drain lettuce after you’ve washed it?
13. How come Marty McFly’s parents don’t notice that their son is the
same Marty they knew back in 1955?
14. Why do so many immigrants want to come to Britain anyhow – for
the weather?
15. Why can’t I grow sideburns?
16. Exactly why is there ‘a massive shortage of helicopter pilots’ these
days?
17. Is there really something called Puppy Bowl III?
18. If we’ve been living in a low inflation economy for the past 25 years,
how come a can of Coke now cost 75p ($1.50) when it used to cost just
16p?
19. Why are all rich men short?
20. Are there really such things as “family conversation starters” that
you can order over the phone?
21. What exactly are ‘online pull-ups’?
22. Aren’t boxers embarrassed to be classified as ‘featherweight’?
23. What does ‘awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww’ mean?
24. How come the lingerie mannequins in Marks and Spencer turn me on?
25. Seriously, is there something wrong with me?
26. Why do men ‘drink far more than women’? Is it women’s fault?
27. How come some days my forehand keeps landing a few inches
beyond the baseline?
28. Whatever happened to short shorts?
29. How does Christie Brinkley still look soooooooo good?
30. Does anybody waste away in Margaritaville anymore?
31. Just who exactly are the people in the audience who applaud wildly
for each number drawn in the National Lottery Draw?
32. And do they vote?
33. Is it not the case that roughly ten minutes into Edward Elgar’s early
oratorio, The Black Knight, the choir start singing, “Up the Ar-se-nal!”?
34. How come more jokes aren’t made about my beloved Arse ‘n’ all?
35. If you removed his platform shoes and his bouffant, would North
Korean nutball Kim Jong-il really be less than 4 foot tall?
36. Or did I just make that rumour up?
37. Why are girls so much prettier in the noughties than they ever were
in the nineties?
38. How come I still see people wearing those woolly Ugg boots?
39. Why doesn’t Macbeth just croak his silly cow of a wife and be done
with it?
40. Just what or who inspires footballers to dress like that?
41. How is it that Bill Gates doesn’t require round-the-clock bodyguard
protection?
42. Is there anything that a can of Coca-Cola can’t fix (except my
financial woes)?
43. What is it with ‘sensible shoes’?
44. What was the point in being alive before the invention of the
Wonderbra?
45. Where did my other sock go?
46. Why is the girl next door never a ‘girl next door’?
47. Why can’t Pennsylvania drivers merge (and the same goes for
drivers in New York, New Jersey and Maryland)?
48. Why won’t anyone believe that I was abducted by aliens?
49. Why can’t I think of any more questions?
50. No really, why?
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
Also by Dominic Hilton:
Also by Dominic Hilton:
- My Budding Career in TV Adverts
- Allez Sarko!
- A Brief History of Timewasting
- How to speak Footballese
- The importance of not being Earnest
- The Truth About Britney Spears and Me
- Lions and Tigers and Great Bears, Oh My!
- Why is English football so *!?@#!% *!@#?
- It's winter, but don't be SAD
- This computer hates you
- Norman Mailer has ruined my career
- My predictions for future British sporting success
- Thank Gord there's not an election
|
