| It's winter, but don't be SAD by Dominic Hilton Tuesday, November 20, 2007 Every year, right at that glorious moment when you have finally broken in your new swimming shorts, winter creeps up on you like a hideous blood-sucking vampire with the munchies. You know winter has arrived when: |
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a) You have to turn the lights on in your house/office/potting shed during daylight
hours
b) You keep stocking up on cans of Hearty Winter Warmer Vegetable Soup, even
though you don’t like winter and you absolutely hate swede
c) You spend a good fraction of your day contemplating suicide
d) The other night you referred to a glass of sherry as ‘fortifying’
hours
b) You keep stocking up on cans of Hearty Winter Warmer Vegetable Soup, even
though you don’t like winter and you absolutely hate swede
c) You spend a good fraction of your day contemplating suicide
d) The other night you referred to a glass of sherry as ‘fortifying’
If I was a politician, I would probably ban winter, or deport it. Studies show that winter
is the season we most associate with unceasing misery. Just look at this chart, compiled
by a respected group of leading psychoanalysts:
is the season we most associate with unceasing misery. Just look at this chart, compiled
by a respected group of leading psychoanalysts:
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The inevitable result of interminably dreary winters (like the one that has just started) is
a killer disease known as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). According to my SAD
research, which involved watching an entire 45 second Fox News report about the
epidemic, SAD has many symptoms, including:
Anthropologists now believe that SAD has been with us since the seasons began,
hundreds of years ago. Cavemen used to hibernate through the winter months after
slaying several diplodocuses and burying the meat in the freezing snow (for religious
reasons). Fossil remains suggest that our hairy forebears kept themselves warm by
indulging in marathon sessions of prehistoric copulation, as the cavewomen had
nowhere to run once the cave door had been closed by the Neanderthal men. The Ice
Age was actually one big orgy.
But nowadays, in our post-industrial society, there is simply no time for hibernation, or
indeed copulation. Perhaps the most astonishing thing about the modern winter is our
stubborn insistence, as human beings, that we must carry on regardless, as if it’s still
the height of summer or something. Rarely do you hear someone in autumn say, “Well,
it’s been fun, see you next spring!” even though that would be a perfectly natural way
of behaving. Instead, we are forced to ‘wrap up warm’ and go out, first to our places of
work and then on to other social activities, from which we stumble out drunk and slip
on the ice and break our necks.
So really, it’s no wonder that people like me suffer from SAD. Here’s just a short list of
unbelievably depressing things about winter:
But that’s enough depressing facts for one article. Let’s now focus on some of the
ways you can attempt to combat SAD this winter.
1. Skiing
Skiing is a fun activity that is best enjoyed in the winter months. (Summer skiing can be
remarkably painful.) You have probably noticed, watching things like the Winter
Olympics, how nations with warmer climates rarely produce great skiers. That’s because
you can’t really ski in the desert. I’ve often wondered how the Winter Olympics gets
away with such a blatant bias in favour of rich nations where it snows a lot. Why isn’t
there a third Olympics at which, instead of pole vaulting or curling, athletes have to
negotiate their way down a rocky terrain on a donkey?
2. Suicide
My mother is always telling me how I should stop contemplating everything so much
and just do something for once.
3. Whisky
Alcohol is a depressant, but only if you’re conscious.
4. One of those light therapy lamps
One way to beat the winter blues is to stare directly at a bright light for 10 or 12 hours
a day. It’s quite boring, but not as bad as the Christmas TV schedule.
5. Ionized air reception
I have no idea what this means.
6. Drugs
In extreme cases of SAD (like when you are considering watching a Christmas special
on TV) see your doctor immediately and demand a massive course of life-affirming
drugs. If your doctor refuses to pump you full of meds, two options still lay open:
The important thing is to try and fill your days with stupid activities. Instead of
wallowing hopelessly in your lukewarm bath, eyeing the toaster, see how many of your
rubber ducks you can blow away with a double-barrelled shotgun. Try building a
snowman that looks like your neighbour’s wife pole dancing.
Also, be selective. Avoid depressing Christmas carols like ‘In the Bleak Midwinter’ and
replace them with dirty interpretations of ‘Ding Dong Merrily on High’.
Meanwhile, be sure to apply lashings of fake tan to all exposed areas (you’re not
auditioning for a part in a Tim Burton movie). Otherwise, dress up as Santa Claus and
assault shoppers.
There’s not a single good thing to be said for winter. It really sucks. But if you can learn
to act more like a caveman – and I know you can – there is definitely a slim chance of
survival.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2007
ALSO SEE
a killer disease known as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). According to my SAD
research, which involved watching an entire 45 second Fox News report about the
epidemic, SAD has many symptoms, including:
- Wishing you were a field mouse or squirrel
- Intense feelings of complete and utter hopelessness
- Bringing your pillow to work
- Looking like Dracula
Anthropologists now believe that SAD has been with us since the seasons began,
hundreds of years ago. Cavemen used to hibernate through the winter months after
slaying several diplodocuses and burying the meat in the freezing snow (for religious
reasons). Fossil remains suggest that our hairy forebears kept themselves warm by
indulging in marathon sessions of prehistoric copulation, as the cavewomen had
nowhere to run once the cave door had been closed by the Neanderthal men. The Ice
Age was actually one big orgy.
But nowadays, in our post-industrial society, there is simply no time for hibernation, or
indeed copulation. Perhaps the most astonishing thing about the modern winter is our
stubborn insistence, as human beings, that we must carry on regardless, as if it’s still
the height of summer or something. Rarely do you hear someone in autumn say, “Well,
it’s been fun, see you next spring!” even though that would be a perfectly natural way
of behaving. Instead, we are forced to ‘wrap up warm’ and go out, first to our places of
work and then on to other social activities, from which we stumble out drunk and slip
on the ice and break our necks.
So really, it’s no wonder that people like me suffer from SAD. Here’s just a short list of
unbelievably depressing things about winter:
- Waking up in the dark
- Going home in the dark
- Darkness
- Mincemeat
- Bare trees that look like giant twigs
- Wet mulch on the legs of your jeans that you keep treading on with your heels
- Flaking nostrils
- Itchy jumpers that make you look pregnant
- Everything else
But that’s enough depressing facts for one article. Let’s now focus on some of the
ways you can attempt to combat SAD this winter.
1. Skiing
Skiing is a fun activity that is best enjoyed in the winter months. (Summer skiing can be
remarkably painful.) You have probably noticed, watching things like the Winter
Olympics, how nations with warmer climates rarely produce great skiers. That’s because
you can’t really ski in the desert. I’ve often wondered how the Winter Olympics gets
away with such a blatant bias in favour of rich nations where it snows a lot. Why isn’t
there a third Olympics at which, instead of pole vaulting or curling, athletes have to
negotiate their way down a rocky terrain on a donkey?
2. Suicide
My mother is always telling me how I should stop contemplating everything so much
and just do something for once.
3. Whisky
Alcohol is a depressant, but only if you’re conscious.
4. One of those light therapy lamps
One way to beat the winter blues is to stare directly at a bright light for 10 or 12 hours
a day. It’s quite boring, but not as bad as the Christmas TV schedule.
5. Ionized air reception
I have no idea what this means.
6. Drugs
In extreme cases of SAD (like when you are considering watching a Christmas special
on TV) see your doctor immediately and demand a massive course of life-affirming
drugs. If your doctor refuses to pump you full of meds, two options still lay open:
- The crackhouse down the road
- Sue your doctor and move to Bermuda with your winnings
The important thing is to try and fill your days with stupid activities. Instead of
wallowing hopelessly in your lukewarm bath, eyeing the toaster, see how many of your
rubber ducks you can blow away with a double-barrelled shotgun. Try building a
snowman that looks like your neighbour’s wife pole dancing.
Also, be selective. Avoid depressing Christmas carols like ‘In the Bleak Midwinter’ and
replace them with dirty interpretations of ‘Ding Dong Merrily on High’.
Meanwhile, be sure to apply lashings of fake tan to all exposed areas (you’re not
auditioning for a part in a Tim Burton movie). Otherwise, dress up as Santa Claus and
assault shoppers.
There’s not a single good thing to be said for winter. It really sucks. But if you can learn
to act more like a caveman – and I know you can – there is definitely a slim chance of
survival.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2007
ALSO SEE