 |
| Check out our blog the monitor |
| Sign me up to receive the free weekly |
| OUR OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY |
| _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ |
| CONTACT THE LIZARD |
| Updated at least 26½ times a day |
Did Winston Churchill really exist?
by Dominic Hilton
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
ATTENTION ALL TEENAGERS. IT IS ABSOLUTELY VITAL TO
YOUR MENTAL HEALTH THAT YOU READ THE FOLLOWING COLUMN.
INDEED, IF I WAS YOU, I WOULD FORWARD IT TO ALL YOUR ‘FRIENDS’ IN
YOUR WEIRD SOCIAL NETWORKING GROUPS. IT MIGHT JUST GET THEM
INTO COLLEGE, WHERE THEY’LL MEET LOTS OF OTHER FREAKS.
There has been widespread consternation across Great Britain this week
after a shocking survey conducted by UKTV Gold confirmed that one
third of British teenagers are – and I quote here directly from the
survey’s damning conclusion – “thicker than a frozen McDonald’s
milkshake loaded with five quarts of cement”.
The survey asked 3,000 of Britain’s smartest under-twenties (defined as
“those able to tie their own Velcro laces”) to distinguish between reality
and fiction, and – this is the truly AMAZING part – nearly two-thirds of
them actually managed it! (Things sure have changed since I was a
teen.)
Nevertheless, the media being what it is,* this hopeful message got lost
amid the hysterically hysterical hysteria born of the discovery that a
whopping chunk of young adults – the future leaders of tomorrow, the
kids we are relying on to keep the world in good economic health and
look after us when we’ve soiled our incontinence nappies – think the
following list of people are made-up fictional figments of some loony
writer’s imagination:
And as if this wasn’t bad enough, here is a list of people who a great
chunk of young adults – the future leaders of tomorrow, the pimply
snots we are relying on to keep the world in sound economic health and
clean us up when we’ve cacked in our onesies – think are boring old
college friends of their parents:
This alarming news, which I’m sure you’ll agree is extremely alarming,
invites us to ask several key questions which I am now going to list in
bullet points again, for dramatic effect:
As a cosmetic remedy to this growing crisis, this column, ever keen to
play its part in educating dim young minds, has decided to reveal, for
probably the first time in many of your lives, the true story of Winston
Churchill (and his gerbil companion, Clarence). That way, while many of
you may carry on believing that Batman is coming to a family dinner
party this weekend, you will at the very least be able to bluff your way
through a class on the Second World War and eventually take a first in
History at Oxford (which will prove of no use whatsoever, but there you
go).
The Basic Facts About Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill, the third daughter of Gengis and Ginger Khan, was
born in Milton Keynes, England, in the fourth quarter of the fiscal year
1804.
The young Churchill immediately showed a passionate distaste for Nazis
when he refused to take his mother’s breast. (AUTHOR’S NOTE: I am not
entirely sure how this shows a passionate distaste for Nazis, but all the
leading historians are agreed on this issue, so who am I to argue?)
At the age of three, Churchill was recruited into Her Majesty’s Armed
Forces, as a goalkeeper. After a particularly dismal display against a
vicious team of nannies, he was dispatched to the Sudan, alone, from
where he wrote his famous “Get Me The Bugger Out of Here!” letters.
To pass the time, Churchill developed one of the world’s leading speech
impediments and would regularly podium in regional Sudanese stuttering
contests. The rest of the time he was drunk.
After a daring hot-air balloon ride back to the shores of Blighty, Churchill
stood for Parliament as the Conservative candidate for Minge Eton. He
was elected by a landslide (the landslide fell onto Minge Eton’s only
polling booth, killing everyone inside, and Churchill won by default).
Throughout his life, Churchill was a passionate supporter of a woman’s
right to vote. That woman was his wife, Lady Hillchurch of Tariff Reform.
Once the First World War had come to an end, and Churchill had climbed
out from under his desk, he immediately declared his appetite for “a new
War, involving lots of the same people.” He got his wish only twenty
years later (by which time he was 135 years-old and struggling to keep
up his lifelong addiction to bungee jumping) when a man called Adolf
Hitler shot the Archduke Franz Ferdinand in a place called ‘Pearl Harbor’
(without a ‘u’).
The war lasted forty years and forty nights and was eventually won by
Churchill when he dropped the Atom Bomb on Milton Keynes, killing the
papier-mâché cow. The Nazis surrendered and built the Cabinet War
Rooms as a constant reminder to humanity of the horrors of lukewarm
tea.
Churchill was immediately thrown from office by the socialist British
voters who never forgave him for shooting all the Welsh miners back in
the seventeenth century, but the old bulldog honourably agreed to
stand as his own statue in Parliament Square for five years while the
bronze version was being sculpted.
Churchill died in 1989, two days before the release of Back to the Future
II. His casket was carried to the movie premiere, and his famous cigars
confiscated by the local council, on grounds of public health.
While Churchill’s memory is obviously kaput (he’s dead), his memory will
live on forever in the memories the remembered of time immemorial.
Also, he was gay.
---
* Mediaish.
by Dominic Hilton
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
ATTENTION ALL TEENAGERS. IT IS ABSOLUTELY VITAL TO
YOUR MENTAL HEALTH THAT YOU READ THE FOLLOWING COLUMN.
INDEED, IF I WAS YOU, I WOULD FORWARD IT TO ALL YOUR ‘FRIENDS’ IN
YOUR WEIRD SOCIAL NETWORKING GROUPS. IT MIGHT JUST GET THEM
INTO COLLEGE, WHERE THEY’LL MEET LOTS OF OTHER FREAKS.
There has been widespread consternation across Great Britain this week
after a shocking survey conducted by UKTV Gold confirmed that one
third of British teenagers are – and I quote here directly from the
survey’s damning conclusion – “thicker than a frozen McDonald’s
milkshake loaded with five quarts of cement”.
The survey asked 3,000 of Britain’s smartest under-twenties (defined as
“those able to tie their own Velcro laces”) to distinguish between reality
and fiction, and – this is the truly AMAZING part – nearly two-thirds of
them actually managed it! (Things sure have changed since I was a
teen.)
Nevertheless, the media being what it is,* this hopeful message got lost
amid the hysterically hysterical hysteria born of the discovery that a
whopping chunk of young adults – the future leaders of tomorrow, the
kids we are relying on to keep the world in good economic health and
look after us when we’ve soiled our incontinence nappies – think the
following list of people are made-up fictional figments of some loony
writer’s imagination:
- Winston Churchill
- Florence Nightingale
- Tony Blair
- Spongebob Squarepants
And as if this wasn’t bad enough, here is a list of people who a great
chunk of young adults – the future leaders of tomorrow, the pimply
snots we are relying on to keep the world in sound economic health and
clean us up when we’ve cacked in our onesies – think are boring old
college friends of their parents:
- Sherlock Holmes
- Eleanor Rigby
- Tony Blair
- Batman
This alarming news, which I’m sure you’ll agree is extremely alarming,
invites us to ask several key questions which I am now going to list in
bullet points again, for dramatic effect:
- Are you kidding me?
- What kind of numpties are we raising these days?
- Which fictional characters are we talking about anyhow?
- Danger Mouse?
- Or someone more sophisticated, like the special needs one in Of
Mice and Men? - Who’s Winston Churchill?
As a cosmetic remedy to this growing crisis, this column, ever keen to
play its part in educating dim young minds, has decided to reveal, for
probably the first time in many of your lives, the true story of Winston
Churchill (and his gerbil companion, Clarence). That way, while many of
you may carry on believing that Batman is coming to a family dinner
party this weekend, you will at the very least be able to bluff your way
through a class on the Second World War and eventually take a first in
History at Oxford (which will prove of no use whatsoever, but there you
go).
The Basic Facts About Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill, the third daughter of Gengis and Ginger Khan, was
born in Milton Keynes, England, in the fourth quarter of the fiscal year
1804.
The young Churchill immediately showed a passionate distaste for Nazis
when he refused to take his mother’s breast. (AUTHOR’S NOTE: I am not
entirely sure how this shows a passionate distaste for Nazis, but all the
leading historians are agreed on this issue, so who am I to argue?)
At the age of three, Churchill was recruited into Her Majesty’s Armed
Forces, as a goalkeeper. After a particularly dismal display against a
vicious team of nannies, he was dispatched to the Sudan, alone, from
where he wrote his famous “Get Me The Bugger Out of Here!” letters.
To pass the time, Churchill developed one of the world’s leading speech
impediments and would regularly podium in regional Sudanese stuttering
contests. The rest of the time he was drunk.
After a daring hot-air balloon ride back to the shores of Blighty, Churchill
stood for Parliament as the Conservative candidate for Minge Eton. He
was elected by a landslide (the landslide fell onto Minge Eton’s only
polling booth, killing everyone inside, and Churchill won by default).
Throughout his life, Churchill was a passionate supporter of a woman’s
right to vote. That woman was his wife, Lady Hillchurch of Tariff Reform.
Once the First World War had come to an end, and Churchill had climbed
out from under his desk, he immediately declared his appetite for “a new
War, involving lots of the same people.” He got his wish only twenty
years later (by which time he was 135 years-old and struggling to keep
up his lifelong addiction to bungee jumping) when a man called Adolf
Hitler shot the Archduke Franz Ferdinand in a place called ‘Pearl Harbor’
(without a ‘u’).
The war lasted forty years and forty nights and was eventually won by
Churchill when he dropped the Atom Bomb on Milton Keynes, killing the
papier-mâché cow. The Nazis surrendered and built the Cabinet War
Rooms as a constant reminder to humanity of the horrors of lukewarm
tea.
Churchill was immediately thrown from office by the socialist British
voters who never forgave him for shooting all the Welsh miners back in
the seventeenth century, but the old bulldog honourably agreed to
stand as his own statue in Parliament Square for five years while the
bronze version was being sculpted.
Churchill died in 1989, two days before the release of Back to the Future
II. His casket was carried to the movie premiere, and his famous cigars
confiscated by the local council, on grounds of public health.
While Churchill’s memory is obviously kaput (he’s dead), his memory will
live on forever in the memories the remembered of time immemorial.
Also, he was gay.
---
* Mediaish.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
Also by Dominic Hilton:
Also by Dominic Hilton:
- J.K. Rowling's sordid love-affair with Harry Potter is not so weird
- The 50 Most Important Questions Facing Mankind
- My Budding Career in TV Adverts
- Allez Sarko!
- A Brief History of Timewasting
- How to speak Footballese
- The importance of not being Earnest
- The Truth About Britney Spears and Me
- Lions and Tigers and Great Bears, Oh My!
- Why is English football so *!?@#!% *!@#?
- It's winter, but don't be SAD
- This computer hates you
- Norman Mailer has ruined my career
- My predictions for future British sporting success
- Thank Gord there's not an election
|
