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| _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ |
The importance of not being
Earnest
by Dominic Hilton
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
One thing you should know about life is that it’s really important to
have a cool name.
If you have a cool name, there’s a chance you might end up on a
poster pinned to a teenager’s bedroom wall.
If you have an uncool name, you’ll probably never rise above a
middle-ranking admin position in a small insurance company.
I’m not being prejudiced. I’m just telling it like it is. For example, the
other day I was watching a football match and the commentator was
shouting:
Earnest
by Dominic Hilton
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
One thing you should know about life is that it’s really important to
have a cool name.
If you have a cool name, there’s a chance you might end up on a
poster pinned to a teenager’s bedroom wall.
If you have an uncool name, you’ll probably never rise above a
middle-ranking admin position in a small insurance company.
I’m not being prejudiced. I’m just telling it like it is. For example, the
other day I was watching a football match and the commentator was
shouting:
“Higginbottom. Higginbottom into the box. Higginbottom!
HIGGINBOTTOM!!!”
HIGGINBOTTOM!!!”
It occurred to me that no matter how good Higginbottom is at
football, he is never going to be a superstar. Tragically,
Higginbottom will never attain hero status. And someone called
Higginbottom is never going to be a sex symbol.
This is grossly unfair. But let’s imagine for a moment that David
Beckham was not born with the name David Beckham. Let’s imagine
he was born with the name David Higginbottom.
No way does David Higginbottom appear in calendars with his shirt
off. No way does a video game hit the shelves called “Higginbottom
’07”. No way do you wear a perfume called “David Higginbottom”.
Posh Spice would never have agreed to become Mrs. Victoria
Higginbottom. Millions of fans around the world would not wear
shirts with the name HIGGINBOTTOM plastered across the
shoulders. LA Galaxy would not pay David Higginbottom $1 million
per week to sit on the bench, injured.
You see where I’m going with this. Higginbottom is just not cool. In
fact, it’s hilarious. Higginbottom!
And the more I think about this hideously unfair prejudice about
certain names, the deeper it goes. No one would flock to see the
movies of the hip director M. Night Shyamalan if his name was, say,
David Higginbottom. The Sixth Sense was an incredibly boneheaded
movie, despite being praised by every critic and moviegoer in the
entire world. It took me all of ten seconds to figure that the Bruce
Willis character was dead and I couldn’t see the point in the rest of
the movie. So how come everyone insists Bruce Willis being dead
was the biggest twist in the history of film? I’ll tell you why: because
of M. Night Shyamalan, that’s why. What the reviews should really
have said is, “The director, Mr. M. Night Shyamalan, should be
praised for his incredible ability to have a really cool name. The
moment the credits come up and you see his incredibly cool name
appear on the screen – M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN – you just know you
are going to give this movie a corking review, even if it turns out to
be utter pond scum.”
There are certain tricks to having cool names that you should look
out for. Just consider this random list of movie star names:
As I’m sure you’ve already noticed, all of these incredibly cool names
make it sound like the owner of the name is somehow doing
something. Tom is Cruising. Penelope is Cruzin’ also. Ben has an
Afflecktion, or is Afflecking something off the table, like a crumb, or a
terrorist. Michael J. is Foxy, which can mean either sexy or cunning
(or short). Nicole is just a big Kidman, which sounds like she’s a
tomboy or a tease, or both. Billy is, of course, Zaney.
Indeed, if you want to be cool, it’s a really good idea to add a ‘Z’ to
your name somewhere. This is what the novelist Zadie Smith did,
when she was just fourteen, and decided she wanted to be a famous
brand of novelist, so changed her name from Sadie to Zadie,
because it sounded cooler (this is a true story). Next thing you
know, she’s signing a whopping book deal with a big Z.
Of course, you can’t help the name you are given, but as a rule, try
and avoid any names that include the words ‘cock’ or ‘bottom’, like
Hancock or Higginbottom. (Coco Chanel would never have become a
style icon if her name had been Cock Chanel.)
A quick glance through the phonebook reveals other names you
should disown if you want to be rich and famous and glamorous and
idolized:
And those are just the A-Cocks. Further in are the Gimps, the
Hosegoods, the Munters, and the Stiffs.
It’s not easy to be a Gimp, and that’s why I have a great deal of
admiration for people with side-splittingly hilarious sounding names
who are brave enough to sever all ties from their ancestral history
just so they can sound cooler when chatting up people in bars.
There really is no excuse for sticking with ‘Bloomers’.
My colleague, A S H Smyth (whose real name is ‘Eve’), changed his
name to A S H because he thinks it makes him sound cooler. We
have hours of fun when we are out because he introduces himself to
hot blonde girls with the line, “Hi, I’m A S H,” and they say, “You’re a
what?” Then, when he repeats, “I said, Hi, I’m A S H,” I pop up
behind him and say, “I T.” So he starts again, “Hi, I’m A S H,” and I
pop up with “I T.” “Hi, I’m A S H,” “I T.” And on and on and on until
we are the only people left in the bar.
Thankfully, I was not born a Boniface or a Cockman and I am
fortunate enough to sport a moniker that one ex-potential mother-
out-law described as “classy”. That bought me about four to five
months of breathing room, at which point she met me face-to-face,
and her opinion of me plummeted in the usual way.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2007
Also by Dominic Hilton:
football, he is never going to be a superstar. Tragically,
Higginbottom will never attain hero status. And someone called
Higginbottom is never going to be a sex symbol.
This is grossly unfair. But let’s imagine for a moment that David
Beckham was not born with the name David Beckham. Let’s imagine
he was born with the name David Higginbottom.
No way does David Higginbottom appear in calendars with his shirt
off. No way does a video game hit the shelves called “Higginbottom
’07”. No way do you wear a perfume called “David Higginbottom”.
Posh Spice would never have agreed to become Mrs. Victoria
Higginbottom. Millions of fans around the world would not wear
shirts with the name HIGGINBOTTOM plastered across the
shoulders. LA Galaxy would not pay David Higginbottom $1 million
per week to sit on the bench, injured.
You see where I’m going with this. Higginbottom is just not cool. In
fact, it’s hilarious. Higginbottom!
And the more I think about this hideously unfair prejudice about
certain names, the deeper it goes. No one would flock to see the
movies of the hip director M. Night Shyamalan if his name was, say,
David Higginbottom. The Sixth Sense was an incredibly boneheaded
movie, despite being praised by every critic and moviegoer in the
entire world. It took me all of ten seconds to figure that the Bruce
Willis character was dead and I couldn’t see the point in the rest of
the movie. So how come everyone insists Bruce Willis being dead
was the biggest twist in the history of film? I’ll tell you why: because
of M. Night Shyamalan, that’s why. What the reviews should really
have said is, “The director, Mr. M. Night Shyamalan, should be
praised for his incredible ability to have a really cool name. The
moment the credits come up and you see his incredibly cool name
appear on the screen – M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN – you just know you
are going to give this movie a corking review, even if it turns out to
be utter pond scum.”
There are certain tricks to having cool names that you should look
out for. Just consider this random list of movie star names:
- Ben Affleck
- Tom Cruise
- Penelope Cruz
- Michael J. Fox
- Nicole Kidman
- Billy Zane
As I’m sure you’ve already noticed, all of these incredibly cool names
make it sound like the owner of the name is somehow doing
something. Tom is Cruising. Penelope is Cruzin’ also. Ben has an
Afflecktion, or is Afflecking something off the table, like a crumb, or a
terrorist. Michael J. is Foxy, which can mean either sexy or cunning
(or short). Nicole is just a big Kidman, which sounds like she’s a
tomboy or a tease, or both. Billy is, of course, Zaney.
Indeed, if you want to be cool, it’s a really good idea to add a ‘Z’ to
your name somewhere. This is what the novelist Zadie Smith did,
when she was just fourteen, and decided she wanted to be a famous
brand of novelist, so changed her name from Sadie to Zadie,
because it sounded cooler (this is a true story). Next thing you
know, she’s signing a whopping book deal with a big Z.
Of course, you can’t help the name you are given, but as a rule, try
and avoid any names that include the words ‘cock’ or ‘bottom’, like
Hancock or Higginbottom. (Coco Chanel would never have become a
style icon if her name had been Cock Chanel.)
A quick glance through the phonebook reveals other names you
should disown if you want to be rich and famous and glamorous and
idolized:
- Allnutt
- Badger
- Bender
- Bloomers
- Bone
- Bones
- Boniface
- Boocock
- Camp
- Clap
- Cockin
- Cockman
- Cocks
And those are just the A-Cocks. Further in are the Gimps, the
Hosegoods, the Munters, and the Stiffs.
It’s not easy to be a Gimp, and that’s why I have a great deal of
admiration for people with side-splittingly hilarious sounding names
who are brave enough to sever all ties from their ancestral history
just so they can sound cooler when chatting up people in bars.
There really is no excuse for sticking with ‘Bloomers’.
My colleague, A S H Smyth (whose real name is ‘Eve’), changed his
name to A S H because he thinks it makes him sound cooler. We
have hours of fun when we are out because he introduces himself to
hot blonde girls with the line, “Hi, I’m A S H,” and they say, “You’re a
what?” Then, when he repeats, “I said, Hi, I’m A S H,” I pop up
behind him and say, “I T.” So he starts again, “Hi, I’m A S H,” and I
pop up with “I T.” “Hi, I’m A S H,” “I T.” And on and on and on until
we are the only people left in the bar.
Thankfully, I was not born a Boniface or a Cockman and I am
fortunate enough to sport a moniker that one ex-potential mother-
out-law described as “classy”. That bought me about four to five
months of breathing room, at which point she met me face-to-face,
and her opinion of me plummeted in the usual way.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2007
Also by Dominic Hilton:
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