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How to speak Footballese
Essential lessons for the new
England manager
by Dominic Hilton
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Essential lessons for the new
England manager
by Dominic Hilton
Thursday, December 13, 2007
| CONTACT THE LIZARD |
The fashionable suggestion that the new manager of the England football
team should actually be able to speak English is, to my mind, hopelessly
racist. The ability to speak English has never been required of England’s
football players. Why single out the manager all of a sudden?
I’ll tell you why: because the two leading candidates for the job – Fabio
Corleone and Marcello Lipsmacker – happen to be Italian persons of
Italian persuasion, that’s why. Questioning the ability of these two
footballing masterminds to lead the England team to international glory
just because they can’t ask for directions to Wembley Stadium without
sounding like that character in 'Allo 'Allo who worships Mussolini and
chases all the women around Nazi HQ is bigoted xenophobia on a new
and frightening scale (and frankly, I’m astonished that London’s Mayor
Livingstone hasn’t organised a boycott of the entire English nation, yet).
In the modest opinion of this column, instead of abusing these foreign
gentlemen for being Italian persons of Italian persuasion, we should be
doing everything we can to help them to integrate, assimilate and melt
into our culture by teaching them the rudiments of footballese in the
paragraphs below.
So, in the spirit of shared mutual understanding and global football
peace, here is a list of words and phrases that I am confident will help
the new England manager bring home the World Cup (to England):
“Give it some welly.” A common phrase with agricultural origins. Due to
massive investment shortfalls, in strict arable terms most football pitches
in England are actually big bogs of muddy swamp peat or sod where
cows go to pat. As a consequence, English footballers traditionally play
the game wearing Wellington boots. To “give it some welly” is to
hooooooooooooooooooof* the football (“it”) with one of your (two)
Wellington boot(s) (“welly” or “wellies”). Whether or not the “welly”
needs to be actually attached to your foot in order to “give it some”
continues to be a subject of heated debate.
“Get stuck in.” This popular phrase has similar origins to “Give it some
welly.” To “get stuck in” is literally to get stuck in the mud because your
Wellington boots have sunk into the pitch, rendering you immobile.
“At the end of the day.” A phrase used by footballing people at the
beginning of every single sentence they ever speak. For example, “At the
end of the day, give it some welly.” or “At the end of the day, get stuck
in.”
“It’s a game of two halves.” This phrase recalls the days when
underprivileged working-class children used to practice their skills in the
streets of Newcastle using an orange (or grapefruit) because their
parents were too busy in the pub blowing all their child support money on
brown ale to be able to afford to buy their kids a real football. Inevitably,
the orange (or grapefruit) would split in half. Hence, “It’s a game of two
halves.”
“The boy done good.” “Good” is cockney rhyming slang for “Robin
Hood”. To “do” Robin Hood is to have had sexual intercourse with him.
So, strictly speaking, “The boy done good” means “The boy is
homosexual.”
“Hooooooooooooooooooooof!” From the Latin Huv. Shouted at
footballers who are playing like donkeys (donkeys have hoofs). The
traditionally poor standard of English football makes
“Hooooooooooooooooooooooooof!” a popular chant with fans all over
the land.
“You’re playing like a fairy.” From the chapter of the same name in
J.M. Barrie’s childrens' classic Peter Pan.
“The Gaffer.” The gaffer is a senior member of a club’s staff who makes
lots of gaffs. (Different from “The Guffer,” who is a player who uses his
flatulence to propel himself down the wing.)
“He’s only gone down the wing and stuck it in the net, hasn’t he?”
A meaningless phrase. Also see: “He only gone up the wing and stuck it
in the net, hasn’t he?”
“Wing(s).” A hairstyle that acts like a parachute when a player is
dropped from a great height.
“Giggsy” [etcetera] The obligatory attaching of a ‘y’ (pronounced:
eeeeeeeeeeeee) to the end of every player’s name. So the current
England team are officially known as: Robinsony, Richardsy, Ferdinandy,
Terryy, Coley, Lampsy, Stevey, Becksy, Rooneyy, and so on until you
forget whatever you planned to sayy.
“It’s a funny old game.” Literally, it’s funny when old people try to play
the game of football. English comedy is full of classic routines involving
geriatric pensioners with Zimmer frames trying to run around a football
field and breaking their hip replacements.
“Man on.” See “The boy done good.”
“Kick-off.” A term of abuse, meaning “Go away!”
“By far the greatest team the world has ever seen.” Sung by fans of
teams like Scunthorpe United.
“Couldn’t score in a brothel.” An insult never thrown at England star
Wayne Rooney, who famously scored in a brothel with a granny called
Auld Slapper.
“WAG” The thing a footballer’s wife or girlfriend does with her painted
finger when he refuses to hand over his credit card.
“Selling the dummy.” Literally, off-loading your stupidest player.
“Bung” This needs no translation to Italians.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2007
Also by Dominic Hilton:
team should actually be able to speak English is, to my mind, hopelessly
racist. The ability to speak English has never been required of England’s
football players. Why single out the manager all of a sudden?
I’ll tell you why: because the two leading candidates for the job – Fabio
Corleone and Marcello Lipsmacker – happen to be Italian persons of
Italian persuasion, that’s why. Questioning the ability of these two
footballing masterminds to lead the England team to international glory
just because they can’t ask for directions to Wembley Stadium without
sounding like that character in 'Allo 'Allo who worships Mussolini and
chases all the women around Nazi HQ is bigoted xenophobia on a new
and frightening scale (and frankly, I’m astonished that London’s Mayor
Livingstone hasn’t organised a boycott of the entire English nation, yet).
In the modest opinion of this column, instead of abusing these foreign
gentlemen for being Italian persons of Italian persuasion, we should be
doing everything we can to help them to integrate, assimilate and melt
into our culture by teaching them the rudiments of footballese in the
paragraphs below.
So, in the spirit of shared mutual understanding and global football
peace, here is a list of words and phrases that I am confident will help
the new England manager bring home the World Cup (to England):
“Give it some welly.” A common phrase with agricultural origins. Due to
massive investment shortfalls, in strict arable terms most football pitches
in England are actually big bogs of muddy swamp peat or sod where
cows go to pat. As a consequence, English footballers traditionally play
the game wearing Wellington boots. To “give it some welly” is to
hooooooooooooooooooof* the football (“it”) with one of your (two)
Wellington boot(s) (“welly” or “wellies”). Whether or not the “welly”
needs to be actually attached to your foot in order to “give it some”
continues to be a subject of heated debate.
“Get stuck in.” This popular phrase has similar origins to “Give it some
welly.” To “get stuck in” is literally to get stuck in the mud because your
Wellington boots have sunk into the pitch, rendering you immobile.
“At the end of the day.” A phrase used by footballing people at the
beginning of every single sentence they ever speak. For example, “At the
end of the day, give it some welly.” or “At the end of the day, get stuck
in.”
“It’s a game of two halves.” This phrase recalls the days when
underprivileged working-class children used to practice their skills in the
streets of Newcastle using an orange (or grapefruit) because their
parents were too busy in the pub blowing all their child support money on
brown ale to be able to afford to buy their kids a real football. Inevitably,
the orange (or grapefruit) would split in half. Hence, “It’s a game of two
halves.”
“The boy done good.” “Good” is cockney rhyming slang for “Robin
Hood”. To “do” Robin Hood is to have had sexual intercourse with him.
So, strictly speaking, “The boy done good” means “The boy is
homosexual.”
“Hooooooooooooooooooooof!” From the Latin Huv. Shouted at
footballers who are playing like donkeys (donkeys have hoofs). The
traditionally poor standard of English football makes
“Hooooooooooooooooooooooooof!” a popular chant with fans all over
the land.
“You’re playing like a fairy.” From the chapter of the same name in
J.M. Barrie’s childrens' classic Peter Pan.
“The Gaffer.” The gaffer is a senior member of a club’s staff who makes
lots of gaffs. (Different from “The Guffer,” who is a player who uses his
flatulence to propel himself down the wing.)
“He’s only gone down the wing and stuck it in the net, hasn’t he?”
A meaningless phrase. Also see: “He only gone up the wing and stuck it
in the net, hasn’t he?”
“Wing(s).” A hairstyle that acts like a parachute when a player is
dropped from a great height.
“Giggsy” [etcetera] The obligatory attaching of a ‘y’ (pronounced:
eeeeeeeeeeeee) to the end of every player’s name. So the current
England team are officially known as: Robinsony, Richardsy, Ferdinandy,
Terryy, Coley, Lampsy, Stevey, Becksy, Rooneyy, and so on until you
forget whatever you planned to sayy.
“It’s a funny old game.” Literally, it’s funny when old people try to play
the game of football. English comedy is full of classic routines involving
geriatric pensioners with Zimmer frames trying to run around a football
field and breaking their hip replacements.
“Man on.” See “The boy done good.”
“Kick-off.” A term of abuse, meaning “Go away!”
“By far the greatest team the world has ever seen.” Sung by fans of
teams like Scunthorpe United.
“Couldn’t score in a brothel.” An insult never thrown at England star
Wayne Rooney, who famously scored in a brothel with a granny called
Auld Slapper.
“WAG” The thing a footballer’s wife or girlfriend does with her painted
finger when he refuses to hand over his credit card.
“Selling the dummy.” Literally, off-loading your stupidest player.
“Bung” This needs no translation to Italians.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2007
Also by Dominic Hilton:
- The importance of not being Earnest
- The Truth About Britney Spears and Me
- Lions and Tigers and Great Bears, Oh My!
- Why is English football so *!?@#!% *!@#?
- It's winter, but don't be SAD
- This computer hates you
- Norman Mailer has ruined my career
- My predictions for future British sporting success
- Thank Gord there's not an election
| Updated at least 26½ times a day |
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