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J.K. Rowling's sordid love-affair
with Harry Potter is not so weird
by Dominic Hilton
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Have you ever had an intimate relationship with a fictional character?
For that matter, have you ever had an intimate relationship with a real
character?
Have you ever even had an intimate relationship, or are you an
accountant?
These are just some of the questions selected at random to open
today’s column. I want you to think about them carefully while I go
make a pot of coffee.
OK, are you done thinking? Good. Now we can get on with the subject
at hand, which is J.K. Rowling.
J.K. Rowling, for all our illiterate readers, is the bottle-blonde author of
the absurdly successful Harry Potter books. Harry Potter, for those of
you who have spent the last decade high as a kite or lost in the post, is
a boy wizard with round specs and a bowl haircut who spends an
unhealthy amount of time at school.
As far as I know, Harry is not real. If he was real, he’d surely have
vandalised at least one bus stop by now.
Nevertheless, it turns out that over the last ten years, J.K. Rowling has
developed a surprisingly intimate relationship with Harry Potter.
with Harry Potter is not so weird
by Dominic Hilton
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Have you ever had an intimate relationship with a fictional character?
For that matter, have you ever had an intimate relationship with a real
character?
Have you ever even had an intimate relationship, or are you an
accountant?
These are just some of the questions selected at random to open
today’s column. I want you to think about them carefully while I go
make a pot of coffee.
OK, are you done thinking? Good. Now we can get on with the subject
at hand, which is J.K. Rowling.
J.K. Rowling, for all our illiterate readers, is the bottle-blonde author of
the absurdly successful Harry Potter books. Harry Potter, for those of
you who have spent the last decade high as a kite or lost in the post, is
a boy wizard with round specs and a bowl haircut who spends an
unhealthy amount of time at school.
As far as I know, Harry is not real. If he was real, he’d surely have
vandalised at least one bus stop by now.
Nevertheless, it turns out that over the last ten years, J.K. Rowling has
developed a surprisingly intimate relationship with Harry Potter.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
Also by Dominic Hilton:
Also by Dominic Hilton:
- The 50 Most Important Questions Facing Mankind
- My Budding Career in TV Adverts
- Allez Sarko!
- A Brief History of Timewasting
- How to speak Footballese
- The importance of not being Earnest
- The Truth About Britney Spears and Me
- Lions and Tigers and Great Bears, Oh My!
- Why is English football so *!?@#!% *!@#?
- It's winter, but don't be SAD
- This computer hates you
- Norman Mailer has ruined my career
- My predictions for future British sporting success
- Thank Gord there's not an election
|
[AUTHOR’S NOTE: Indeed, if she wasn’t so blonde and powerful, I
think I’d spread the rumour right now that Ms. Rowling once
bathed naked with Potter and then let him towel her down
inappropriately.]
think I’d spread the rumour right now that Ms. Rowling once
bathed naked with Potter and then let him towel her down
inappropriately.]
In a speech given earlier this week to a London audience of specially
selected brownnoses, Rowling confessed that penning the final Harry
Potter book proved to be “the worst break-up of my life. Far worse than
splitting up with any man.”
Given that Rowling is a divorcee, this statement is pretty juicy.
selected brownnoses, Rowling confessed that penning the final Harry
Potter book proved to be “the worst break-up of my life. Far worse than
splitting up with any man.”
Given that Rowling is a divorcee, this statement is pretty juicy.
[AUTHOR’S NOTE: Can you imagine being the guy who divorced
Rowling BEFORE she published her first Harry Potter book and was
living in a caravan on state benefits? Ouch!]
Rowling BEFORE she published her first Harry Potter book and was
living in a caravan on state benefits? Ouch!]
As a fellow writer, I understand entirely how Ms. Rowling feels and I
deeply empathise with her touching story. Personally, I am always
falling in and out of love with the characters I am writing about. Myself,
for example. I mean, have you seen me? Phwoooaaaaaarrrrrrr!!!!!
deeply empathise with her touching story. Personally, I am always
falling in and out of love with the characters I am writing about. Myself,
for example. I mean, have you seen me? Phwoooaaaaaarrrrrrr!!!!!
[AUTHOR’S NOTE: Once, following a particularly stimulating
journal entry, I caught myself towelling myself down
inappropriately. You should know that I immediately put a stop to
it and sought psychiatric help – which I actually thought I’d
imagined until the all-too-real bills started landing on my
doormat, followed by the all-too-big bailiffs. My shrink then ran
off to Morocco with my nom de plume.]
journal entry, I caught myself towelling myself down
inappropriately. You should know that I immediately put a stop to
it and sought psychiatric help – which I actually thought I’d
imagined until the all-too-real bills started landing on my
doormat, followed by the all-too-big bailiffs. My shrink then ran
off to Morocco with my nom de plume.]
Admittedly, love affairs with non-existent teens is about the only thing
I have in common with Ms. Rowling, whose accumulated fortune (£550
million) is almost an exact reflection of my own accumulated debts –
but that’s not the point. The point is that we sensitive writers, along
with some of you more sensitive readers out there, often form
attachments with imaginary characters that are surprisingly hard to
sever, even with the assistance of trained surgeons.
Fortunately, this is nothing to be ashamed of. The history of literature
is littered with similar stories of sordid relationships gone wrong. Here’s
just a short list of my favourites:
Anna Karenina
In 1877, in a secret ceremony in St. Petersburg, Leo Tolstoy married
his saucy fictional heroine, Anna. They were divorced three months
later when Anna discovered Leo fondling a manuscript of his follow-up
Confession.
Moby Dick
For several years after completing his romantic masterpiece, Herman
Melville snuck off for dirty weekends with a giant whale who wasn’t his
wife.
Madame Bovary
It is a matter of historical record that Gustave Flaubert actually
doinked Emma Bovary in the toilets of a provincial auberge. Flaubert
was then charged with two counts of public obscenity and beheaded
by a guillotine upside down. Emma Bovary got off with a light spanking.
Animal Farm
The true inspiration for George Orwell’s prescient tale of communism in
the farmyard is little known. In the 1930s, Orwell had indulged in
several close relationships with a family of pigs. Once the spark had
gone, the pigs called things off and Orwell got mad. Animal Farm was
his revenge.
The Hobbit
The loveable character of Bilbo Baggins was based on the porter of
Merton College, Oxford. As Tolkien wrote in his memoirs: "That porter
certainly bilboed my baggins!"
Little Nell and Dick Swiveller
Never mind.
I have in common with Ms. Rowling, whose accumulated fortune (£550
million) is almost an exact reflection of my own accumulated debts –
but that’s not the point. The point is that we sensitive writers, along
with some of you more sensitive readers out there, often form
attachments with imaginary characters that are surprisingly hard to
sever, even with the assistance of trained surgeons.
Fortunately, this is nothing to be ashamed of. The history of literature
is littered with similar stories of sordid relationships gone wrong. Here’s
just a short list of my favourites:
Anna Karenina
In 1877, in a secret ceremony in St. Petersburg, Leo Tolstoy married
his saucy fictional heroine, Anna. They were divorced three months
later when Anna discovered Leo fondling a manuscript of his follow-up
Confession.
Moby Dick
For several years after completing his romantic masterpiece, Herman
Melville snuck off for dirty weekends with a giant whale who wasn’t his
wife.
Madame Bovary
It is a matter of historical record that Gustave Flaubert actually
doinked Emma Bovary in the toilets of a provincial auberge. Flaubert
was then charged with two counts of public obscenity and beheaded
by a guillotine upside down. Emma Bovary got off with a light spanking.
Animal Farm
The true inspiration for George Orwell’s prescient tale of communism in
the farmyard is little known. In the 1930s, Orwell had indulged in
several close relationships with a family of pigs. Once the spark had
gone, the pigs called things off and Orwell got mad. Animal Farm was
his revenge.
The Hobbit
The loveable character of Bilbo Baggins was based on the porter of
Merton College, Oxford. As Tolkien wrote in his memoirs: "That porter
certainly bilboed my baggins!"
Little Nell and Dick Swiveller
Never mind.