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Allez Sarko!
Carla Bruni is no different than Nixon's dog.
by Dominic Hilton
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
I don’t know about you, but I was delighted to learn that French
President Nicolas Sarkozy’s relationship with former supermodelhottie
Carla Bruni is now officially deemed a “serious matter”.
I am particularly delighted because, if I was President of the French
Republic, which I currently am not, I would definitely treat my
relationship with former supermodelhottie Carla Bruni as a “serious
matter”. Indeed, I’d probably upgrade it to something like “a far more
serious matter than, say, a nuclear-armed Iran.”
After several weeks locked inside the Presidential suite, I’m sure Ms.
Bruni would concur. “Excusez-moi Monsieur President,” she’d say to me
in a sexy European voice, “but aren’t you taking this relationship
waaaaaaaaaay too seriously? I mean, ’aven’t you any l’official
Presidential busyness to urgently attend to?”
To which I’d reply, “You bet your impossibly firm ass I have! Crack open
le crème fouettée!”
In my defence, we are talking about France here, so give me a break!
Besides, my personal fantasies, as alarming as they may seem to those
who know me, are no more sordid than the way President Sarkozy is
carrying on. Just consider this opening paragraph of yesterday’s CNN
report:
Carla Bruni is no different than Nixon's dog.
by Dominic Hilton
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
I don’t know about you, but I was delighted to learn that French
President Nicolas Sarkozy’s relationship with former supermodelhottie
Carla Bruni is now officially deemed a “serious matter”.
I am particularly delighted because, if I was President of the French
Republic, which I currently am not, I would definitely treat my
relationship with former supermodelhottie Carla Bruni as a “serious
matter”. Indeed, I’d probably upgrade it to something like “a far more
serious matter than, say, a nuclear-armed Iran.”
After several weeks locked inside the Presidential suite, I’m sure Ms.
Bruni would concur. “Excusez-moi Monsieur President,” she’d say to me
in a sexy European voice, “but aren’t you taking this relationship
waaaaaaaaaay too seriously? I mean, ’aven’t you any l’official
Presidential busyness to urgently attend to?”
To which I’d reply, “You bet your impossibly firm ass I have! Crack open
le crème fouettée!”
In my defence, we are talking about France here, so give me a break!
Besides, my personal fantasies, as alarming as they may seem to those
who know me, are no more sordid than the way President Sarkozy is
carrying on. Just consider this opening paragraph of yesterday’s CNN
report:
PARIS, France (CNN) -- French President Nicolas Sarkozy said
Tuesday that his relationship with former supermodel Carla Bruni is a
"serious matter," but he would not reveal a date for their wedding.
Tuesday that his relationship with former supermodel Carla Bruni is a
"serious matter," but he would not reveal a date for their wedding.
Say what you will about me, but I would not even consider bringing a
date to my own wedding. Especially not if I was already marrying
former supermodelhottie Carla Bruni!
President Sarkozy is obviously just greedy. For Frenchmen like him, it’s
not enough to have had a jillion affairs with the kinds of women who
wear choke-inducingly thick perfume and chase after short, powerful
men. No, for Frenchmen like Sarkozy, there’s always une autre
conquest to be made dans le chambre. For Frenchmen like Sarkozy,
Affairs of State are toujours une “serious matter”.
And that, of course, is precisely the way it should be. I for one am
relieved to witness the confident ease with which Sarko has admitted
to hosing one of the world’s most desirable former supermodelhotties.
And when he recently split from his wife, the President made absolutely
no attempt to hide the fact that both he and she were hosing half of
Paris (different halves, one supposes).
How refreshing it is when noble statesmen like former supermodelhottie
Carla Bruni… sorry, I mean noble statesmen like President Sarkozy are
open and frank about their love lives, instead of hiding behind a veil of
secrecy like a secretly veiled secret person and pretending they are
not French. I mean, get real, we’re talking about politicians here!
Politicians would sleep with anyone if they thought there was a chance
it would secure one extra vote (it mostly wouldn’t – how do you think
Al Gore lost Florida?).
As a journalist of great renown, I surely do not long for the days when
President Kennedy’s love affairs were kept hush-hush by a fawning,
complicit media composed of brown nosed hacks who would do
anything to secure access to the White House where they might catch
a glimpse of Jackie in the bath.
If I had been a journalist back in the early 1960s I would have had no
problem whatsoever telling JFK straight to his handsome face that he’d
better secure me a date with Grace Kelly otherwise I’d publish a front
page exclusive entitled, “Kennedy Kennedy Kennedy Swing Any Better?”
In fact, here are some other exclusive exposés from days past that I’d
have had no qualms splashing across the front pages of newspapers
and magazines in the hope of securing a well-earned reputation for
sleaze-ridden filth:
Prime Minister Lloyd George of Britain
Everyone knows how the walrus-faced Lloyd George liked to entertain
female visitors upon the Cabinet table (or sometimes just upon the
Cabinet itself). But few people know about his long-standing love affair
with Kaiser Wilhelm of Narnia. Until now.
Macbeth
You don’t really believe those three birds he hooked up with were
witches, do you? Escort girls, all of them. Not cheap, either.
President Nixon
Unbeknownst to everyone except JFK, from 1951-1973 Nixon was
conducting a secret affair with Checkers, his Cocker Spaniel.
Queen Elizabeth I
Far from being the “Virgin Queen”, Elizabeth I was doing the mattress
dance with her dentist and woodchopper, Harry Beardfellow. The affair
was kept quiet for tax reasons.
Mussolini
Had sex with his own bust.
Tsar Knickerless II
Seduced by Vladimir Rasputin and executed by Vanessa Redgrave, Tsar
Knickerless II of Russia liked to be smeared in pickled herring and
ravaged by meaty fisherwomen. Or so I’ve dreamt.
President George Herbert Walker Bush Snr. (41)
On a cold November night in 1989, President George H.W. Bush is said
to have crept into his wife Barbara’s bed chamber and demanded “an
ole-fashioned rib roast”.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
Also by Dominic Hilton:
date to my own wedding. Especially not if I was already marrying
former supermodelhottie Carla Bruni!
President Sarkozy is obviously just greedy. For Frenchmen like him, it’s
not enough to have had a jillion affairs with the kinds of women who
wear choke-inducingly thick perfume and chase after short, powerful
men. No, for Frenchmen like Sarkozy, there’s always une autre
conquest to be made dans le chambre. For Frenchmen like Sarkozy,
Affairs of State are toujours une “serious matter”.
And that, of course, is precisely the way it should be. I for one am
relieved to witness the confident ease with which Sarko has admitted
to hosing one of the world’s most desirable former supermodelhotties.
And when he recently split from his wife, the President made absolutely
no attempt to hide the fact that both he and she were hosing half of
Paris (different halves, one supposes).
How refreshing it is when noble statesmen like former supermodelhottie
Carla Bruni… sorry, I mean noble statesmen like President Sarkozy are
open and frank about their love lives, instead of hiding behind a veil of
secrecy like a secretly veiled secret person and pretending they are
not French. I mean, get real, we’re talking about politicians here!
Politicians would sleep with anyone if they thought there was a chance
it would secure one extra vote (it mostly wouldn’t – how do you think
Al Gore lost Florida?).
As a journalist of great renown, I surely do not long for the days when
President Kennedy’s love affairs were kept hush-hush by a fawning,
complicit media composed of brown nosed hacks who would do
anything to secure access to the White House where they might catch
a glimpse of Jackie in the bath.
If I had been a journalist back in the early 1960s I would have had no
problem whatsoever telling JFK straight to his handsome face that he’d
better secure me a date with Grace Kelly otherwise I’d publish a front
page exclusive entitled, “Kennedy Kennedy Kennedy Swing Any Better?”
In fact, here are some other exclusive exposés from days past that I’d
have had no qualms splashing across the front pages of newspapers
and magazines in the hope of securing a well-earned reputation for
sleaze-ridden filth:
Prime Minister Lloyd George of Britain
Everyone knows how the walrus-faced Lloyd George liked to entertain
female visitors upon the Cabinet table (or sometimes just upon the
Cabinet itself). But few people know about his long-standing love affair
with Kaiser Wilhelm of Narnia. Until now.
Macbeth
You don’t really believe those three birds he hooked up with were
witches, do you? Escort girls, all of them. Not cheap, either.
President Nixon
Unbeknownst to everyone except JFK, from 1951-1973 Nixon was
conducting a secret affair with Checkers, his Cocker Spaniel.
Queen Elizabeth I
Far from being the “Virgin Queen”, Elizabeth I was doing the mattress
dance with her dentist and woodchopper, Harry Beardfellow. The affair
was kept quiet for tax reasons.
Mussolini
Had sex with his own bust.
Tsar Knickerless II
Seduced by Vladimir Rasputin and executed by Vanessa Redgrave, Tsar
Knickerless II of Russia liked to be smeared in pickled herring and
ravaged by meaty fisherwomen. Or so I’ve dreamt.
President George Herbert Walker Bush Snr. (41)
On a cold November night in 1989, President George H.W. Bush is said
to have crept into his wife Barbara’s bed chamber and demanded “an
ole-fashioned rib roast”.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
Also by Dominic Hilton:
- A Brief History of Timewasting
- How to speak Footballese
- The importance of not being Earnest
- The Truth About Britney Spears and Me
- Lions and Tigers and Great Bears, Oh My!
- Why is English football so *!?@#!% *!@#?
- It's winter, but don't be SAD
- This computer hates you
- Norman Mailer has ruined my career
- My predictions for future British sporting success
- Thank Gord there's not an election
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