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Ave Sharia! (But if only the Archbonehead had
gone further...)
by DOMINIC HILTON
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Unless you’re dead, you’ve probably noticed that the whole of Britain is currently
up-in-arms about throwaway remarks made by the Archbonehead of Canterbury,
Dr. Rowan “Beardfacé” Williams, in which he said that:
According to various press reports I read as I chomped on my mountain of Froot
Loops, even the Queen is said to be “anxious”, “distressed” and “dismayed” at the
Archbonehead’s remarks. “One simply didn’t figure that the Archbonehead was
SUCH a total bonehead,” Her Majesty purportedly exclaimed, in confidence.
[AUTHOR’S NOTE: Every time I write “Archbishop” my automatic spellcheck changes
it to “Archbonehead”. There’s nothing I can do about it. Sorry.]
However, in today’s column, instead of joining the chorus of criticism, I intend to
take the high ground, and focus on the unique opportunity presented by the
Archbonehead’s courageous comments, even if it gets me lynched.
[NOTE TO PRIZEGIVERS: If I am lynched, this column had better win several big
awards, or else.]
Let me be the first to say (in this multiple prize-winning column) that if Britain is
seriously going to adopt sharia law, then there is no logical or moral reason why it
shouldn’t also adopt some of the supercool practices of other cultures and
civilisations.
As you can imagine, as an award-winning columnist, I have given this issue some
serious thought, and here, after an hour or two of careful googling, is my definitive
list of exotic traditions that would undoubtedly enrich British society from top to
bottom (and back up again from the bottom):
Sumerian dental work
In the earliest civilisation known to man, a woman who (accidentally or otherwise)
married more than one guy had her teeth bashed out with a clay tablet. Britain
could provide a similar service on the National Health Service. Indeed, given the
state of most British gnashers, this tradition already appears to be widely practiced
across the nation.
Indus doodling
Schoolboys could forever be forgiven for drawing giant willies in their textbooks on
the cultural grounds that they were ancient and indecipherable Indus scripts.
Aztec penis sacrifice
[WARNING: THIS SECTION SHOULD NOT BE READ BY MEN WITH PENISES]
In Aztec culture, men would chop their penises off as a sacrifice to the gods. Also, at
times of great crisis, Aztec kings would string a piece of rope through their todgers.
I have absolutely no idea why, but who cares? It would certainly liven up your
average Friday night in Maidstone. What's more, the Prime Minister could do (and
has done) a lot worse than try the rope trick when the economy is faltering, a
terrorist attack has occurred, or there have been some floods in a marginal
constituency.
Korowai cannibalism
It sounds like something in Star Wars, but it isn’t. Post-pub trips to the kebab van
would never be the same again if Britain adopted the human-flesh-eating traditions
of the Papuan Korawai tribe. In fact, there is evidence to suggest that some vans,
including one in Oxford city centre, already serve human meat when they’ve run out
of dog, cat, rat and tax collectors.
The Digambar birthday suit
Jainist Digambar monks walk around naked, but believe they are fully clothed (by
the world around them). Enforcing this practice would certainly cure shopaholics.
The Xenu excuse
According to Scientologists, 75 million years ago, Xenu, the dictator of the Galactic
Confederacy, brought billions of people to Planet Earth (or, as it was then, Planet
Teegeeack) in a specially-modified twin-engine DC-8. On the pretence of conducting
routine income tax inspections, Xenu then lured these billions of people to some
volcanoes, where he killed them all with hydrogen bombs. Scientologists believe
that the ‘essences’ of these people cling to our bodies, which explains why some
days we stub our toe in the shower or burn our tongues while drinking coffee.
The Xenu excuse could be formally adopted as a get-out-of-jail-free card for all bad
behaviour. Drunken tomfoolery, for example, could be played off as “The fault of
those damn essences that are clinging to my body.” The same goes for adultery.
Shamanist pantomime
In many shamanic societies, gender fluidity and cross-dressing are compulsory
practice. Britain would soon get over its destructive fixation with panto if men (actor
men, in particular) had another, better excuse to wear Laura Ashley dresses and
enormous blue wigs.
Turning people into pillars of salt for no apparent reason when they look over
their shoulder
I’m not sure how practical this is. And besides, what the hell’s a pillar of salt?
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
dominic@lizardmagazine.com
Back to the homepage
gone further...)
by DOMINIC HILTON
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Unless you’re dead, you’ve probably noticed that the whole of Britain is currently
up-in-arms about throwaway remarks made by the Archbonehead of Canterbury,
Dr. Rowan “Beardfacé” Williams, in which he said that:
- a) “Britain should immediately introduce aspects of sharia law.”
b) “Especially all the fun bits, like lashings, stonings and amputations.”
c) “Beards are seriously sexy.”
d) “I’m a seriously sexy beardface.”
e) “Sexy, sexy, sexy. Beardface, beardface, beardface.”
f) “When you next see me, I’ll have dyed my sexy beardface, using a leading
Clairol product.”
According to various press reports I read as I chomped on my mountain of Froot
Loops, even the Queen is said to be “anxious”, “distressed” and “dismayed” at the
Archbonehead’s remarks. “One simply didn’t figure that the Archbonehead was
SUCH a total bonehead,” Her Majesty purportedly exclaimed, in confidence.
[AUTHOR’S NOTE: Every time I write “Archbishop” my automatic spellcheck changes
it to “Archbonehead”. There’s nothing I can do about it. Sorry.]
However, in today’s column, instead of joining the chorus of criticism, I intend to
take the high ground, and focus on the unique opportunity presented by the
Archbonehead’s courageous comments, even if it gets me lynched.
[NOTE TO PRIZEGIVERS: If I am lynched, this column had better win several big
awards, or else.]
Let me be the first to say (in this multiple prize-winning column) that if Britain is
seriously going to adopt sharia law, then there is no logical or moral reason why it
shouldn’t also adopt some of the supercool practices of other cultures and
civilisations.
As you can imagine, as an award-winning columnist, I have given this issue some
serious thought, and here, after an hour or two of careful googling, is my definitive
list of exotic traditions that would undoubtedly enrich British society from top to
bottom (and back up again from the bottom):
Sumerian dental work
In the earliest civilisation known to man, a woman who (accidentally or otherwise)
married more than one guy had her teeth bashed out with a clay tablet. Britain
could provide a similar service on the National Health Service. Indeed, given the
state of most British gnashers, this tradition already appears to be widely practiced
across the nation.
Indus doodling
Schoolboys could forever be forgiven for drawing giant willies in their textbooks on
the cultural grounds that they were ancient and indecipherable Indus scripts.
Aztec penis sacrifice
[WARNING: THIS SECTION SHOULD NOT BE READ BY MEN WITH PENISES]
In Aztec culture, men would chop their penises off as a sacrifice to the gods. Also, at
times of great crisis, Aztec kings would string a piece of rope through their todgers.
I have absolutely no idea why, but who cares? It would certainly liven up your
average Friday night in Maidstone. What's more, the Prime Minister could do (and
has done) a lot worse than try the rope trick when the economy is faltering, a
terrorist attack has occurred, or there have been some floods in a marginal
constituency.
Korowai cannibalism
It sounds like something in Star Wars, but it isn’t. Post-pub trips to the kebab van
would never be the same again if Britain adopted the human-flesh-eating traditions
of the Papuan Korawai tribe. In fact, there is evidence to suggest that some vans,
including one in Oxford city centre, already serve human meat when they’ve run out
of dog, cat, rat and tax collectors.
The Digambar birthday suit
Jainist Digambar monks walk around naked, but believe they are fully clothed (by
the world around them). Enforcing this practice would certainly cure shopaholics.
The Xenu excuse
According to Scientologists, 75 million years ago, Xenu, the dictator of the Galactic
Confederacy, brought billions of people to Planet Earth (or, as it was then, Planet
Teegeeack) in a specially-modified twin-engine DC-8. On the pretence of conducting
routine income tax inspections, Xenu then lured these billions of people to some
volcanoes, where he killed them all with hydrogen bombs. Scientologists believe
that the ‘essences’ of these people cling to our bodies, which explains why some
days we stub our toe in the shower or burn our tongues while drinking coffee.
The Xenu excuse could be formally adopted as a get-out-of-jail-free card for all bad
behaviour. Drunken tomfoolery, for example, could be played off as “The fault of
those damn essences that are clinging to my body.” The same goes for adultery.
Shamanist pantomime
In many shamanic societies, gender fluidity and cross-dressing are compulsory
practice. Britain would soon get over its destructive fixation with panto if men (actor
men, in particular) had another, better excuse to wear Laura Ashley dresses and
enormous blue wigs.
Turning people into pillars of salt for no apparent reason when they look over
their shoulder
I’m not sure how practical this is. And besides, what the hell’s a pillar of salt?
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
dominic@lizardmagazine.com
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