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What to expect in 2008
The Lizard editors offer their predictions for the year ahead
by Dominic Hilton, Marc Sidwell & A S H Smyth
Monday, January 7, 2008
Dominic Hilton writes:
In 2008, the global financial market will be neither a bull nor a bear. It
will be a vole.
In a shock result, China will win the Euro 2008 football championships,
beating Tibet 2-1 in an exhilarating final. Elsewhere in the sports world,
Tiger Woods will win the Women’s World Cup of Golf in a photo finish and
Sir Don Bradman will earn a recall to the Australian cricket squad.
After a six-hour lunch at Le Cirque, the United Nations will elect Hugo
Chavez, Kim Jong-il and Fergie as its new International Ambassadors for
Global Peacekeepingness. Al Gore will demand a recount.
Meanwhile, in no particular order: Ben Nevis will erupt; Beethoven will
announce plans for a long-awaited 10th symphony; Jamie Lynn Spears
will be elected President of the United States; Rome will rise again.
The TV sensation of the year will be a previously unknown horse named
Graham. Or maybe an anonymous hamster from Rhode Island. (Show
business is always a tricky one to call.)
In April, the British Government will make it illegal for anyone who lives in
a marginal constituency to work in the private sector.
The housing market will finally bottom out. So will J-Lo.
Osama bin Laden will be elected as the new President of Pakistan.
Angry/Joyous rioters/supporters will take to the streets and jump up and
down in front of TV cameras with their fists in the air chanting the
slogan “We are angry/joyous rioters/supporters who have taken to the
streets to jump up and down in front of TV cameras with our fists in the
air and chant the slogan “We are angry/joyous rioters/supporters who
have taken to the streets to jump up and down in front of TV cameras
with our fists in the air and chant the slogan “We are…”” etcetera. Bin
Laden is forced to stand down from his new office after it emerges that
Pakistan’s controversial constitution explicitly forbids female presidents.
Finally, Google will buy out The Lizard for $3.2 billion, with options.
Marc Sidwell writes:
January: New Robot Toy Astonishes/Massacres @ Consumer Electronic
Show
A daring bid by Cyberdyne Systems for a share of the lucrative
Christmas toy market falters when their T1000 hunter/killer android pal
(He’ll be your best friend—and destroy all your enemies™) runs amok
after an amusing incident involving a geek, a spilt cup of coffee and a
phased plasma rifle in the 40-Watt range. The company’s fortunes look
up when beleagured inner-city teachers club together to buy them as
bodyguards. The government attributes the sudden spike in attention
levels and completed homework to an initiative involving racially
sensitive glove puppets.
March: Apple Insults World with iBox
Steve Jobs announces the latest addition to the Apple family of
products: the ingeniously low-tech iBox. “It’s just a box with an Apple
logo on it,” shrugs Jobs. “You could, I don’t know, put pencils in it or
something. Maybe highlighters. We’re looking forward to seeing the many
uses our loyal customers will find.” Shops sell out before the name iBox
is fully out of Steve Jobs mouth.
June: Health & Safety Declared Unacceptable Risk thanks to New
Lightbulbs
A mysterious yet psychotic hero [all DPfA officials have excellent alibis]
begins mailing smashed low-energy lightbulbs to the Health and Safety
Executive. Their regulations for dealing with the mercury powder
contained in the packages are so onerous that all other work quickly
grinds to a standstill. Britain celebrates a mini-boom as risk assessment
forms become obsolete.
October: Genetic Scientists Play God; God Wins
Working with new recombinant DNA technology, a group of unregulated
scientists in China succeed in creating a completely artificial lifeform: a
politician with integrity. No one believes them. Their sick creation makes
a run for office, but is humanely put down by an entirely artificial sex
scandal involving Lingling the giant panda and an Olympic gymnastic
champion retrained to swing round a bamboo pole.
A S H Smyth writes:
January No-one will express the opinion that Benazir Bhutto sought her
martyrdom more blatantly than anyone since T.S. Eliot’s Thomas Becket.
February will seem slightly longer than at any time in, say, the last
three years. There is a perfectly straightforward explanation: the
forthcoming American presidential election will have this effect on ALL
months in 2008.
April Kenya will join the ranks of formerly-efficient TPLACs where people
roam the streets saying ‘I hate to mention it, but do you recall how
much better things worked when the British were in charge?’ We British
can feel good about this, because it has never been said about former
French/Dutch/Portuguese colonies.
May Millions of Italian tax-officials will turn out for Luciano Pavarotti’s
surprise Absolutely Final Farewell Tour.
June Owing to widespread fraud in FIFA, Euro 2008 will be ruled null and
void, and England declared the winners.
August The Chinese will host the Olympics, without a single significant
protest from Greenpeace, Amnesty International, Al Gore, or the Hug a
Liberal Democrat Foundation. The Chinese will laugh themselves
senseless at the idea of London being ready by 2012, what with there
being no Victoria line at present.
October The Lib Dems will elect a new leader. The smart money is on
Norman St John Stevas.
November AIDS scientists will announce that Jacob Zuma may have
been right after all about showering after sex. Sales of shower units will
rocket, countrywide. ‘Bring me my machine gun’ will be inaugurated as
South Africa’s new national anthem.
December Barack Obama will become President Elect of the United
States of America. Enraged Alabamans will burn thousands of copies of
classic English drinking-song ‘Uncle Tom Cobley and All’, confusing it with
‘We Shall Overcome’, a chart-topping protest song with a similar tune.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
The Lizard editors offer their predictions for the year ahead
by Dominic Hilton, Marc Sidwell & A S H Smyth
Monday, January 7, 2008
Dominic Hilton writes:
In 2008, the global financial market will be neither a bull nor a bear. It
will be a vole.
In a shock result, China will win the Euro 2008 football championships,
beating Tibet 2-1 in an exhilarating final. Elsewhere in the sports world,
Tiger Woods will win the Women’s World Cup of Golf in a photo finish and
Sir Don Bradman will earn a recall to the Australian cricket squad.
After a six-hour lunch at Le Cirque, the United Nations will elect Hugo
Chavez, Kim Jong-il and Fergie as its new International Ambassadors for
Global Peacekeepingness. Al Gore will demand a recount.
Meanwhile, in no particular order: Ben Nevis will erupt; Beethoven will
announce plans for a long-awaited 10th symphony; Jamie Lynn Spears
will be elected President of the United States; Rome will rise again.
The TV sensation of the year will be a previously unknown horse named
Graham. Or maybe an anonymous hamster from Rhode Island. (Show
business is always a tricky one to call.)
In April, the British Government will make it illegal for anyone who lives in
a marginal constituency to work in the private sector.
The housing market will finally bottom out. So will J-Lo.
Osama bin Laden will be elected as the new President of Pakistan.
Angry/Joyous rioters/supporters will take to the streets and jump up and
down in front of TV cameras with their fists in the air chanting the
slogan “We are angry/joyous rioters/supporters who have taken to the
streets to jump up and down in front of TV cameras with our fists in the
air and chant the slogan “We are angry/joyous rioters/supporters who
have taken to the streets to jump up and down in front of TV cameras
with our fists in the air and chant the slogan “We are…”” etcetera. Bin
Laden is forced to stand down from his new office after it emerges that
Pakistan’s controversial constitution explicitly forbids female presidents.
Finally, Google will buy out The Lizard for $3.2 billion, with options.
Marc Sidwell writes:
January: New Robot Toy Astonishes/Massacres @ Consumer Electronic
Show
A daring bid by Cyberdyne Systems for a share of the lucrative
Christmas toy market falters when their T1000 hunter/killer android pal
(He’ll be your best friend—and destroy all your enemies™) runs amok
after an amusing incident involving a geek, a spilt cup of coffee and a
phased plasma rifle in the 40-Watt range. The company’s fortunes look
up when beleagured inner-city teachers club together to buy them as
bodyguards. The government attributes the sudden spike in attention
levels and completed homework to an initiative involving racially
sensitive glove puppets.
March: Apple Insults World with iBox
Steve Jobs announces the latest addition to the Apple family of
products: the ingeniously low-tech iBox. “It’s just a box with an Apple
logo on it,” shrugs Jobs. “You could, I don’t know, put pencils in it or
something. Maybe highlighters. We’re looking forward to seeing the many
uses our loyal customers will find.” Shops sell out before the name iBox
is fully out of Steve Jobs mouth.
June: Health & Safety Declared Unacceptable Risk thanks to New
Lightbulbs
A mysterious yet psychotic hero [all DPfA officials have excellent alibis]
begins mailing smashed low-energy lightbulbs to the Health and Safety
Executive. Their regulations for dealing with the mercury powder
contained in the packages are so onerous that all other work quickly
grinds to a standstill. Britain celebrates a mini-boom as risk assessment
forms become obsolete.
October: Genetic Scientists Play God; God Wins
Working with new recombinant DNA technology, a group of unregulated
scientists in China succeed in creating a completely artificial lifeform: a
politician with integrity. No one believes them. Their sick creation makes
a run for office, but is humanely put down by an entirely artificial sex
scandal involving Lingling the giant panda and an Olympic gymnastic
champion retrained to swing round a bamboo pole.
A S H Smyth writes:
January No-one will express the opinion that Benazir Bhutto sought her
martyrdom more blatantly than anyone since T.S. Eliot’s Thomas Becket.
February will seem slightly longer than at any time in, say, the last
three years. There is a perfectly straightforward explanation: the
forthcoming American presidential election will have this effect on ALL
months in 2008.
April Kenya will join the ranks of formerly-efficient TPLACs where people
roam the streets saying ‘I hate to mention it, but do you recall how
much better things worked when the British were in charge?’ We British
can feel good about this, because it has never been said about former
French/Dutch/Portuguese colonies.
May Millions of Italian tax-officials will turn out for Luciano Pavarotti’s
surprise Absolutely Final Farewell Tour.
June Owing to widespread fraud in FIFA, Euro 2008 will be ruled null and
void, and England declared the winners.
August The Chinese will host the Olympics, without a single significant
protest from Greenpeace, Amnesty International, Al Gore, or the Hug a
Liberal Democrat Foundation. The Chinese will laugh themselves
senseless at the idea of London being ready by 2012, what with there
being no Victoria line at present.
October The Lib Dems will elect a new leader. The smart money is on
Norman St John Stevas.
November AIDS scientists will announce that Jacob Zuma may have
been right after all about showering after sex. Sales of shower units will
rocket, countrywide. ‘Bring me my machine gun’ will be inaugurated as
South Africa’s new national anthem.
December Barack Obama will become President Elect of the United
States of America. Enraged Alabamans will burn thousands of copies of
classic English drinking-song ‘Uncle Tom Cobley and All’, confusing it with
‘We Shall Overcome’, a chart-topping protest song with a similar tune.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
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