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Reflections on the impressive array of
hotties in Charlie Wilson's War
by Dominic Hilton & A S H Smyth
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
A S H Smyth writes:
Stingers, bazookas, and other weapons of mass distraction. (Big ones.
And lots of ‘em.)
This was not the official tag-line of Charlie Wilson’s War, but for my
money – £9.90 of it, not including popcorn and drink – it bloody
should’ve been.
Amy Adams, Jud Tylor, Hilary Angelo, Cyia Batten, Emily Blunt, Wynn
Everett, Mary Bonner Baker, Rachel Nichols, Shiri Appleby, Amanda
Loncar, Tracy Philips, and Ambria Miscia. Oh, and Julia Roberts, if you
like that kind of thing.
How wonderful to find a movie in which so many promising young
American actresses can demonstrate their full portfolio of skills, and
indeed gain some new ones. In the good Congressman’s immortal words:
‘you can teach them to type, but you can't teach them to grow tits.’
With all this eye-candy lying about the place, it beats me how Charlie
Wilson ever got anything done, let alone waging a covert war
(successfully) against the Soviets! I mean, so distracting was the
aesthetic onslaught that I have absolutely no idea what was supposed
to have happened in the actual story.
Still, the IMDb list of Keywords for the film includes, I feel, sufficient
information for readers to formulate their own understanding of the
nuanced brilliance of Mike Nichols’ movie: ‘cigarette-smoking’,
‘womaniser’, ‘belly dancer’, ‘female nudity’, ‘jacuzzi’, ‘cowboy boots’,
‘party showgirl’, ‘stripper’, ‘premarital sex’, ‘personal assistant’, ‘bathtub-
scene’, ‘cocaine’, ‘breasts’, ‘profanity’, ‘vulgarity’ ‘rubber duck’… and ‘true
story’.
Charlie Wilson’s War made me want to become a politician at the earliest
available opportunity. Hell, if Alan Clark could get away with it… That
way, I too can respond to impertinent press questions about my ‘alleged’
alcoholism by having my buxom PA put out the announcement: ‘The
Congressman has never been to rehab. They don't serve whisky.’
A message to the voters of America: I know they don’t make politicians
like they used to, but anyone who calls his intern Jail Bait (to her face)
deserves your vote. And if you think I’m wrong, just imagine what
political life will be like under Hillary.
Dominic Hilton writes:
The Lizard is an equal opportunities employer. As an online magazine of
swelling reputation, we are strictly bound by international law to employ
as many differently-abled lesbian women of the female persuasion as we
can keep our hands off. Needless to say, this is the chief reason I hired
my two fellow editors, Mary and Alice – both of whom are also bearded.
Watching Charlie Wilson’s War, I was sad to see that none of the women
who surround Tom Hanks’ eponymous pervert sport unruly facial hair.
There are the naked Playboy centrefolds who nest and twitter in
Wilson’s hot tub. There are his “jailbait” interns whose microskirts and
bulging cleavages flit around his Capitol Hill office. There is Amy Adams
with her bouncing red pony tail, button nose and mouth-watering wiggle.
There is a lingerie-clad Emily Blunt having her bronzed belly button
fingered below her impossibly pert breasts. There is Julia Roberts
climbing out of her swimming pool in her bikini, revealing an unfeasibly
toned…
Where was I? Oh yes, bearded ladies. What a tragedy it is that back in
the excessive and avaricious 1980s the western world wasn’t lassoed by
the kind of equal opportunities employment laws that we now all enjoy
complying to under the threat of incarceration. The barely watchable
sexist peccadilloes of Congressman Charlie Wilson are rightly outlawed in
our more egalitarian age. Today, publications like The Lizard are
thankfully forced against our will and testament to employ girls like Mary
and Alice: girls who look horrible in lingerie; girls who will never appear
naked in a Playboy spread; girls whose belly buttons are chock-full of
luminous lint; girls who really need to shave.
We should be grateful to the ever-meddling powers-that-be for forcing
us to give girls like Mary and Alice a second look, however ill that second
look makes us feel. Three cheers for progress.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
hotties in Charlie Wilson's War
by Dominic Hilton & A S H Smyth
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
A S H Smyth writes:
Stingers, bazookas, and other weapons of mass distraction. (Big ones.
And lots of ‘em.)
This was not the official tag-line of Charlie Wilson’s War, but for my
money – £9.90 of it, not including popcorn and drink – it bloody
should’ve been.
Amy Adams, Jud Tylor, Hilary Angelo, Cyia Batten, Emily Blunt, Wynn
Everett, Mary Bonner Baker, Rachel Nichols, Shiri Appleby, Amanda
Loncar, Tracy Philips, and Ambria Miscia. Oh, and Julia Roberts, if you
like that kind of thing.
How wonderful to find a movie in which so many promising young
American actresses can demonstrate their full portfolio of skills, and
indeed gain some new ones. In the good Congressman’s immortal words:
‘you can teach them to type, but you can't teach them to grow tits.’
With all this eye-candy lying about the place, it beats me how Charlie
Wilson ever got anything done, let alone waging a covert war
(successfully) against the Soviets! I mean, so distracting was the
aesthetic onslaught that I have absolutely no idea what was supposed
to have happened in the actual story.
Still, the IMDb list of Keywords for the film includes, I feel, sufficient
information for readers to formulate their own understanding of the
nuanced brilliance of Mike Nichols’ movie: ‘cigarette-smoking’,
‘womaniser’, ‘belly dancer’, ‘female nudity’, ‘jacuzzi’, ‘cowboy boots’,
‘party showgirl’, ‘stripper’, ‘premarital sex’, ‘personal assistant’, ‘bathtub-
scene’, ‘cocaine’, ‘breasts’, ‘profanity’, ‘vulgarity’ ‘rubber duck’… and ‘true
story’.
Charlie Wilson’s War made me want to become a politician at the earliest
available opportunity. Hell, if Alan Clark could get away with it… That
way, I too can respond to impertinent press questions about my ‘alleged’
alcoholism by having my buxom PA put out the announcement: ‘The
Congressman has never been to rehab. They don't serve whisky.’
A message to the voters of America: I know they don’t make politicians
like they used to, but anyone who calls his intern Jail Bait (to her face)
deserves your vote. And if you think I’m wrong, just imagine what
political life will be like under Hillary.
Dominic Hilton writes:
The Lizard is an equal opportunities employer. As an online magazine of
swelling reputation, we are strictly bound by international law to employ
as many differently-abled lesbian women of the female persuasion as we
can keep our hands off. Needless to say, this is the chief reason I hired
my two fellow editors, Mary and Alice – both of whom are also bearded.
Watching Charlie Wilson’s War, I was sad to see that none of the women
who surround Tom Hanks’ eponymous pervert sport unruly facial hair.
There are the naked Playboy centrefolds who nest and twitter in
Wilson’s hot tub. There are his “jailbait” interns whose microskirts and
bulging cleavages flit around his Capitol Hill office. There is Amy Adams
with her bouncing red pony tail, button nose and mouth-watering wiggle.
There is a lingerie-clad Emily Blunt having her bronzed belly button
fingered below her impossibly pert breasts. There is Julia Roberts
climbing out of her swimming pool in her bikini, revealing an unfeasibly
toned…
Where was I? Oh yes, bearded ladies. What a tragedy it is that back in
the excessive and avaricious 1980s the western world wasn’t lassoed by
the kind of equal opportunities employment laws that we now all enjoy
complying to under the threat of incarceration. The barely watchable
sexist peccadilloes of Congressman Charlie Wilson are rightly outlawed in
our more egalitarian age. Today, publications like The Lizard are
thankfully forced against our will and testament to employ girls like Mary
and Alice: girls who look horrible in lingerie; girls who will never appear
naked in a Playboy spread; girls whose belly buttons are chock-full of
luminous lint; girls who really need to shave.
We should be grateful to the ever-meddling powers-that-be for forcing
us to give girls like Mary and Alice a second look, however ill that second
look makes us feel. Three cheers for progress.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
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