It has been a tough few weeks for British sport. The England football team was
beaten by Russia. The England rugby team was beaten in the World Cup Final by
some South African blondes. Englishman Lewis Hamilton failed to win the Formula 1
Driver’s Championship. And then, to top it all, English cricket legend W.G. Grace
passed away after a long battle with scurvy.
Meanwhile, the other nations that make up the United Kingdom – whose names
currently escape me – have fared no better. Consider the recent Rugby World Cup.
While England were beaten in the final by some South African blondes (did I
mention that?), the other nations that make up the British Isles all died in a horrific
pile-up on the M4.
Understandably, the British public is feeling very maudlin about our recent sporting
failures. You can tell this just by asking random Britons in the street a simple
question: “Are you feeling very maudlin about our recent sporting failures?” Nine
out of ten respondents will, after a long, wistful sigh, stick their fingers up your
nostrils and throw you in front of a bendy bus.
This sort of nozzle-related violence may strike some of you as a rather excessive
reaction to a perfectly innocent inquiry. It’s only a game, you might say. Who cares
about rugby when there is so much poverty and suffering around the world?
But ask any sports fan to describe the depth of their despair at, say, England’s
loss in the Rugby World Final to some South African blondes, and they will tell you,
in no uncertain terms, with tears welling up in their eyes, to screw poverty and
suffering.
FACT: The British sports fan has enough suffering of his own to be getting on
with to waste time caring about someone living in poverty. The first line of this
article is a shamefaced lie. It hasn’t been a tough few weeks for British sport. It’s
been a tough few centuries.
WARNING: the next two paragraphs include a large number of historical facts.
In a vain effort to stop their boys engaging in homosexual activity in school
dormitories, whiskered English gentlemen invented just about every game currently
played around the world (with the notable exception of Kabaddi, in which whiskered
men in loin cloths run around a pit shouting “Kabaddi! Kabaddi! Kabaddi!” for no
clear reason). With its giant battleships and superior arsenals, the British Empire
spread a love of sport across the globe, civilising barbarians by forcing them to do
things like wear pleated trousers and break for tea during a game played with a
paddle. Remember: If it wasn’t for Britain, men the world over would probably feel
no need to form a scrum and grab each other’s testicles.
Unfortunately, ever since introducing the natives to our sporting traditions, the
natives have roundly whomped our booties at the very games we taught them.
They just love humiliating their former masters – and who can blame them? Can
you imagine how fun it is to massacre England’s cricketers in front of the MCC
duffers (like Mick Jagger) who still haven’t sold their shares in the East India Co.?
But that’s enough history for one article. The point is that we Brits are total losers.
Let’s now look to the future. How confident can we be that in years to come, when
our kids beg us to melt our Mastercards purchasing jacked-up tickets to the most
over-marketed sporting contests, we don’t turn around and say, “Do you really
think I’m going to fork out four hundred bloody quid to watch a bunch of muppets
trip over their own feet, shatter their metatarsals, and puncture my already wilting
sense of national pride? Go to your room, you little snit!”?
Pretty confident, I say. Here are just some of my solid predictions for future British
sporting success:
© lizardmagazine.com, 2007
beaten by Russia. The England rugby team was beaten in the World Cup Final by
some South African blondes. Englishman Lewis Hamilton failed to win the Formula 1
Driver’s Championship. And then, to top it all, English cricket legend W.G. Grace
passed away after a long battle with scurvy.
Meanwhile, the other nations that make up the United Kingdom – whose names
currently escape me – have fared no better. Consider the recent Rugby World Cup.
While England were beaten in the final by some South African blondes (did I
mention that?), the other nations that make up the British Isles all died in a horrific
pile-up on the M4.
Understandably, the British public is feeling very maudlin about our recent sporting
failures. You can tell this just by asking random Britons in the street a simple
question: “Are you feeling very maudlin about our recent sporting failures?” Nine
out of ten respondents will, after a long, wistful sigh, stick their fingers up your
nostrils and throw you in front of a bendy bus.
This sort of nozzle-related violence may strike some of you as a rather excessive
reaction to a perfectly innocent inquiry. It’s only a game, you might say. Who cares
about rugby when there is so much poverty and suffering around the world?
But ask any sports fan to describe the depth of their despair at, say, England’s
loss in the Rugby World Final to some South African blondes, and they will tell you,
in no uncertain terms, with tears welling up in their eyes, to screw poverty and
suffering.
FACT: The British sports fan has enough suffering of his own to be getting on
with to waste time caring about someone living in poverty. The first line of this
article is a shamefaced lie. It hasn’t been a tough few weeks for British sport. It’s
been a tough few centuries.
WARNING: the next two paragraphs include a large number of historical facts.
In a vain effort to stop their boys engaging in homosexual activity in school
dormitories, whiskered English gentlemen invented just about every game currently
played around the world (with the notable exception of Kabaddi, in which whiskered
men in loin cloths run around a pit shouting “Kabaddi! Kabaddi! Kabaddi!” for no
clear reason). With its giant battleships and superior arsenals, the British Empire
spread a love of sport across the globe, civilising barbarians by forcing them to do
things like wear pleated trousers and break for tea during a game played with a
paddle. Remember: If it wasn’t for Britain, men the world over would probably feel
no need to form a scrum and grab each other’s testicles.
Unfortunately, ever since introducing the natives to our sporting traditions, the
natives have roundly whomped our booties at the very games we taught them.
They just love humiliating their former masters – and who can blame them? Can
you imagine how fun it is to massacre England’s cricketers in front of the MCC
duffers (like Mick Jagger) who still haven’t sold their shares in the East India Co.?
But that’s enough history for one article. The point is that we Brits are total losers.
Let’s now look to the future. How confident can we be that in years to come, when
our kids beg us to melt our Mastercards purchasing jacked-up tickets to the most
over-marketed sporting contests, we don’t turn around and say, “Do you really
think I’m going to fork out four hundred bloody quid to watch a bunch of muppets
trip over their own feet, shatter their metatarsals, and puncture my already wilting
sense of national pride? Go to your room, you little snit!”?
Pretty confident, I say. Here are just some of my solid predictions for future British
sporting success:
- Olympics 2008: Britain should have no problem securing a gold medal in the
shooting, so long as we recruit our Olympic Shooting Team from south
London and Liverpool, and make sure none of our athletes are over the age
of 17.
- Rugby World Cup 2011: In a classic display of anti-Englishness, the rugby
authorities have threatened to change the rules to stop England reaching
future finals via the boot of Jonny Wilkinson. The England squad must now
regroup, commit itself to a strict physical regimen, and use its famous tactical
guile to sneak Jonny Wilkinson into Rugby World Headquarters so he can
boot the authorities up the backside.
- Formula 1: He may have missed out on the Driver’s Championship this year,
but Lewis Hamilton has promised his legions of fans he will do everything he
can to come back next year more ready than ever to endorse cigarette
products by actually smoking inside his helmet as he takes hairpins at
200mph while also texting his dad on his new Vodafone Blackberry.
- Arsenal F.C.: Thanks to having only one British player left in their entire
squad, Arsenal are set do British football proud on the international stage.
- Cricket: There is great hope within the England camp that lab-coated boffins
may be able to clone W.G. Grace back to life from what’s left of his beard.
- Wimbledon: Look out for at least one rabid Scots Nationalist in some of the
later stages of the mixed doubles championship. And quit cheering for him if
your face is painted with a St. George’s cross.
- Caber Tossing: For the 900th year in a row, a Scots tosser is expected to
walk away with the gold medal at the Highland Games.
- Darts: No one can touch us – and wouldn’t want to.
- South African blondes: Thankfully, their time is running out.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2007
My predictions for future British sporting success
by Dominic Hilton
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Thursday, November 8, 2007
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