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| Updated at least 26½ times a day |
My Budding Career in TV Adverts
Being a TV advert celebrity is a complete cinch.
by Dominic Hilton
Thursday, January 17, 2008
My fans keep telling me I have “all the right attributes for a successful
career in the TV advertisement industry.”
What they mean, of course, is that it is clearly only a matter of time
before my face becomes a permanent addition to your primetime
viewing. If you don’t believe me, just contact my agent, Rebecca. (She
wouldn’t give me her surname.)
Rebecca is an extremely proficient agent and in her own words “knows
talent when she doesn’t see it.” When I first met Rebecca she
immediately asked me what attributes I had after I camped outside her
office for ten whole days without Pret or Starbucks.
“My teeth are straight,” I told her. “Or at least they were until the fight
with that gang of hobos. I have a decent speaking voice. See? And I
would willingly sell anything for money, including new improved Pedigree
Chum.”
She asked me to demonstrate.
“Get out of your home and go buy some new improved Pedigree Chum!” I
improvised. “It tastes delicious on toast!”
She thought it over then told me I “might not be quite what the makers
of Pedigree Chum are looking for.”
“I don’t limit myself to human roles,” I explained. “Woof!”
After I paid her to take some photos, including several of me on all
fours, she told me she’d be in touch if anything came up, like her
breakfast.
Meanwhile, in a bid to launch myself to the top of my new trade, I have
spent the last few weeks slobbing around my house all day watching
daytime shows aimed at women. My research has convinced me that
being a TV advert celebrity is a complete cinch.
As far as I can tell, there are only three rules one needs to know to be a
TV ad superstar:
1. You will never act again in anything but other adverts.
2. If you’re a man, you must play either
a) a wimp
b) a berk
c) a wimpy berk.
3. Woof!
Also, nobody ever uses long words in TV adverts, so it’s unlikely you will
forget your lines. Here are some of the words you never hear used in TV
adverts:
(Source: Tomato)
And here are some of the words you always hear used in TV adverts:
(Source: Worcester)
Another word that you may have noticed they have started using in TV
adverts is ‘snot’. One particular advert running at the moment for some
nasal decongestant medicine openly uses the word ‘snot’, without any
hint of giggling. According to the Financial Times, extensive market
research has shown that consumers under the age of 25 have absolutely
no clue what the word ‘mucus’ means.* University students in particular
have suggested that ‘mucus’ is “way too sciencey” and that ‘snot’
“tastes delicious on toast.”
As an aspiring TV advert superhero, I am particularly glad that the word
‘snot’ is finally getting the airtime it deserves. For starters, ‘snot’ is an
easier word to remember than ‘mucus’ when you are nervous. But also, I
like ‘snot’. I like to roll it around my tongue. According to the minutes
taken by our meticulous new intern, Krystal, I used the word ‘snot’ a
total of 83 times in a Lizard editorial meeting earlier this week.
In fact, not two days ago I happened to be watching TV with a fellow
Lizard editor (and a hangover) when an advertisement came on for some
sort of extremely pink cleaning product that will save your children from
being abducted by deadly paedophile bacteria.
For reasons neither of us could fathom, the lead role in this advert was
played by – steady yourself – a man!
“What’s he doing?” my colleague asked, watching the man in the advert
scrub a hob.
“I’m not sure,” I said. “But I could have played that part soooooo much
better.”
“Hell, yeah!” my wingman agreed.
“His wrist action is all wrong. And his smile is unnatural. If I was spraying
pink detergent, I’d put in a performance you’d never forget.”
“Dude, I don’t want to piss on your dreams,” my companion said, “but
there’s not much work for the backend of a pantomime horse on TV.”
But I’m not so sure. Horses often appear in car adverts, racing alongside
a car, to demonstrate that the car in question has lots of horse power
(those advertising executives are so smart!). But the horses you see in
car adverts are not real. They are actually pantomime horses.
That’s the kind of inside knowledge you need to have if you’re going to
be a leading TV advert personality. My credentials are impeccable and
my pecs are incredible. Seriously, I can make you believe anything. Woof!
---
* It means, ‘mucus’.
Being a TV advert celebrity is a complete cinch.
by Dominic Hilton
Thursday, January 17, 2008
My fans keep telling me I have “all the right attributes for a successful
career in the TV advertisement industry.”
What they mean, of course, is that it is clearly only a matter of time
before my face becomes a permanent addition to your primetime
viewing. If you don’t believe me, just contact my agent, Rebecca. (She
wouldn’t give me her surname.)
Rebecca is an extremely proficient agent and in her own words “knows
talent when she doesn’t see it.” When I first met Rebecca she
immediately asked me what attributes I had after I camped outside her
office for ten whole days without Pret or Starbucks.
“My teeth are straight,” I told her. “Or at least they were until the fight
with that gang of hobos. I have a decent speaking voice. See? And I
would willingly sell anything for money, including new improved Pedigree
Chum.”
She asked me to demonstrate.
“Get out of your home and go buy some new improved Pedigree Chum!” I
improvised. “It tastes delicious on toast!”
She thought it over then told me I “might not be quite what the makers
of Pedigree Chum are looking for.”
“I don’t limit myself to human roles,” I explained. “Woof!”
After I paid her to take some photos, including several of me on all
fours, she told me she’d be in touch if anything came up, like her
breakfast.
Meanwhile, in a bid to launch myself to the top of my new trade, I have
spent the last few weeks slobbing around my house all day watching
daytime shows aimed at women. My research has convinced me that
being a TV advert celebrity is a complete cinch.
As far as I can tell, there are only three rules one needs to know to be a
TV ad superstar:
1. You will never act again in anything but other adverts.
2. If you’re a man, you must play either
a) a wimp
b) a berk
c) a wimpy berk.
3. Woof!
Also, nobody ever uses long words in TV adverts, so it’s unlikely you will
forget your lines. Here are some of the words you never hear used in TV
adverts:
- Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotameteaturipukakapikimaungahor
onukupokaiwhenakitanatahu - Pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism
- Floccinaucinihilipilification
- Honorificabilitudinitatibus
(Source: Tomato)
And here are some of the words you always hear used in TV adverts:
- Grease
- Grime
- Scum
- Woof!
(Source: Worcester)
Another word that you may have noticed they have started using in TV
adverts is ‘snot’. One particular advert running at the moment for some
nasal decongestant medicine openly uses the word ‘snot’, without any
hint of giggling. According to the Financial Times, extensive market
research has shown that consumers under the age of 25 have absolutely
no clue what the word ‘mucus’ means.* University students in particular
have suggested that ‘mucus’ is “way too sciencey” and that ‘snot’
“tastes delicious on toast.”
As an aspiring TV advert superhero, I am particularly glad that the word
‘snot’ is finally getting the airtime it deserves. For starters, ‘snot’ is an
easier word to remember than ‘mucus’ when you are nervous. But also, I
like ‘snot’. I like to roll it around my tongue. According to the minutes
taken by our meticulous new intern, Krystal, I used the word ‘snot’ a
total of 83 times in a Lizard editorial meeting earlier this week.
In fact, not two days ago I happened to be watching TV with a fellow
Lizard editor (and a hangover) when an advertisement came on for some
sort of extremely pink cleaning product that will save your children from
being abducted by deadly paedophile bacteria.
For reasons neither of us could fathom, the lead role in this advert was
played by – steady yourself – a man!
“What’s he doing?” my colleague asked, watching the man in the advert
scrub a hob.
“I’m not sure,” I said. “But I could have played that part soooooo much
better.”
“Hell, yeah!” my wingman agreed.
“His wrist action is all wrong. And his smile is unnatural. If I was spraying
pink detergent, I’d put in a performance you’d never forget.”
“Dude, I don’t want to piss on your dreams,” my companion said, “but
there’s not much work for the backend of a pantomime horse on TV.”
But I’m not so sure. Horses often appear in car adverts, racing alongside
a car, to demonstrate that the car in question has lots of horse power
(those advertising executives are so smart!). But the horses you see in
car adverts are not real. They are actually pantomime horses.
That’s the kind of inside knowledge you need to have if you’re going to
be a leading TV advert personality. My credentials are impeccable and
my pecs are incredible. Seriously, I can make you believe anything. Woof!
---
* It means, ‘mucus’.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
Also by Dominic Hilton:
Also by Dominic Hilton:
- Allez Sarko!
- A Brief History of Timewasting
- How to speak Footballese
- The importance of not being Earnest
- The Truth About Britney Spears and Me
- Lions and Tigers and Great Bears, Oh My!
- Why is English football so *!?@#!% *!@#?
- It's winter, but don't be SAD
- This computer hates you
- Norman Mailer has ruined my career
- My predictions for future British sporting success
- Thank Gord there's not an election
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