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Liberty Bellen
with ELLEN CHARLES
in Crapo, Maryland
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Beagle cute, puns less so
The first beagle ever to win the Westminster Kennel Club show has moved dozens
of esteemed news outlets to employ painfully cheesy word play.
"Uno lives up to his name," reported the Associated Press. "America has a new
Snoop doggie."
The Washington Post proclaimed that "Uno was numero uno."
Animal gushing reached heights last seen when equine phenom Barbaro was
euthanized last January.
Americans can't get laid
An estimated 40 million Americans are married, but live in sexless marriages, CNN
reports. A sexless marriage is defined as one in which partners engage in
intercourse less than ten times a year.
The report contradicts the belief, widely held by jihadists and HBO viewers abroad,
that Americans are constantly getting it on.
CNN also identifies various potential causes of marital celibacy (medications that
decrease libido, too much Law and Order) as well as solutions (kicking your laptop
out of the bedroom, transforming your flabby middle-aged body in that of a young
god or goddess).
Woman exaggerates chess skills, life unravels
Esther Reed, who used another woman's identity to apply successfully to Harvard
and Columbia universities, was exposed as a fraud after bragging about her chess
skills.
An ex-boyfriend grew suspicious that Reed was not in fact a professional chess
player after he challenged her to a game and won.
A former high school teacher of Reed's described her as "the kind of kid who would
have been invisible," a standard teacher euphemism for "not very hot."
Busking pays (in the end)
New York’s most famous landmark, The Naked Cowboy, is suing Mars inc. for $6
million.
The Naked Cowboy – who braves the winter cold clad only in a pair of tighty whities
– has been strumming his guitar in Times Square since the days before Donald
Trump had a combover.
But he is now convinced that a giant blue M&M wearing very few clothes that
appears on a Times Square billboard is an obvious rip-off of his act. And he wants
compensation.
His lawsuit says, “just like The Naked Cowboy does on a daily basis in Times
Square, the M&M is not only dressed as "The Naked Cowboy", it is playing the
Naked Cowboy's distinctive white guitar in the cartoon.”
The blue M&M was unavailable for comment.
Narcissism epidemic out of control
Finally, 8 million Americans have admitted sending Valentine’s Day gifts – to
themselves.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
Ellen Charles's round-up of all the essential news from North America appears every
Tuesday on The Lizard.
Back to the homepage
with ELLEN CHARLES
in Crapo, Maryland
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Beagle cute, puns less so
The first beagle ever to win the Westminster Kennel Club show has moved dozens
of esteemed news outlets to employ painfully cheesy word play.
"Uno lives up to his name," reported the Associated Press. "America has a new
Snoop doggie."
The Washington Post proclaimed that "Uno was numero uno."
Animal gushing reached heights last seen when equine phenom Barbaro was
euthanized last January.
Americans can't get laid
An estimated 40 million Americans are married, but live in sexless marriages, CNN
reports. A sexless marriage is defined as one in which partners engage in
intercourse less than ten times a year.
The report contradicts the belief, widely held by jihadists and HBO viewers abroad,
that Americans are constantly getting it on.
CNN also identifies various potential causes of marital celibacy (medications that
decrease libido, too much Law and Order) as well as solutions (kicking your laptop
out of the bedroom, transforming your flabby middle-aged body in that of a young
god or goddess).
Woman exaggerates chess skills, life unravels
Esther Reed, who used another woman's identity to apply successfully to Harvard
and Columbia universities, was exposed as a fraud after bragging about her chess
skills.
An ex-boyfriend grew suspicious that Reed was not in fact a professional chess
player after he challenged her to a game and won.
A former high school teacher of Reed's described her as "the kind of kid who would
have been invisible," a standard teacher euphemism for "not very hot."
Busking pays (in the end)
New York’s most famous landmark, The Naked Cowboy, is suing Mars inc. for $6
million.
The Naked Cowboy – who braves the winter cold clad only in a pair of tighty whities
– has been strumming his guitar in Times Square since the days before Donald
Trump had a combover.
But he is now convinced that a giant blue M&M wearing very few clothes that
appears on a Times Square billboard is an obvious rip-off of his act. And he wants
compensation.
His lawsuit says, “just like The Naked Cowboy does on a daily basis in Times
Square, the M&M is not only dressed as "The Naked Cowboy", it is playing the
Naked Cowboy's distinctive white guitar in the cartoon.”
The blue M&M was unavailable for comment.
Narcissism epidemic out of control
Finally, 8 million Americans have admitted sending Valentine’s Day gifts – to
themselves.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
Ellen Charles's round-up of all the essential news from North America appears every
Tuesday on The Lizard.
Back to the homepage
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