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Top Five Southern Hemisphere
Hard Men
by Rob Steers
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
I am currently on hiatus on that other antipodean
island, New Zealand, and last week, something tragic
happened. One of the worlds greatest adventurers, Sir Edmund Hillary,
died at the glorious age of 88. On the announcement of this, tributes
gushed forth from all over the planet. Words like “Colossus” and
“Legendary” were bandied about as he was compared to the mountain
he climbed first, Everest.
It was then that it dawned on me. Sir Hillary, aside from the slightly
girly last name, was an octogenarian with more intestinal fortitude than
the whole Manchester United football team put together. If he were to
face off in a Royal Rumble against the top ten Hip Hop artists he would
crush them all under his size 13 snow shoe. Just a sideways glance at
any list of sexiest, hottest or most admired men highlights the problem.
From the vapid list of actors in Hollywood to the waspish members of
the Premier League the problem is the same. No Balls, metaphorically
speaking.
Southern hemisphere rugby aside, the more you look at it, the more it
becomes clear that there really is something in the water down here.
So, for the benefit of the ADD-addled, here is my list, in reverse order,
of the all time Top Five Southern Hemisphere Hard Men.
5. Paul Hogan
Famous for pointing out obvious differences in cutlery. What is less
know about him is that he single handedly built the great Sydney
Harbour Bridge. He forged the steel out of smaller, less well endowed,
knives and fused them in place using his own spit.
4. Helen Clark
As the current Prime Minister of New Zealand, she could pass for a
bloke in any pub. On weekends she eats visiting dignitaries with mint
sauce and enjoys “Sheep Tossing” with Jonah Lomu. I am not saying
she throws sheep, she actually tosses them in a salad with a Jonah
Lomu dressing.
3. Sir Edmund Hillary
He became well known for being the first to sit on top of the world.
Less famous for doing it in Speedo swimming trunks and having a game
of tennis at the top. He also built schools in Nepal using just tooth picks
and Butter Chicken.
2. Russell Crowe
The star of Gladiator actually fought the lions [tigers? Eds.] in the
movie without the aid of stuntmen. He also resurrected the Sydney
Rabbitohs rugby team from the ashes. (He ate the charred remains of
their club house and unloaded a fully built clubhouse from his backside.)
1. Steve Irwin
Steve's life came to an unfortunate end when he was king-hit by a
stingray. At the time he was filming a movie called "Staying Alive"...
Local Queenslanders can still visit his whole family at “Australia Zoo”,
they were located next to the Oranguang Enclosure. Steve was a true
Australian Legend and was well known for his environmental
documentaries. Most of the time this just meant being mental in his
favourite environs.
Steve is number one on the list because he took the temperature of
salt water crocs per anum.
Hard Men
by Rob Steers
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
I am currently on hiatus on that other antipodean
island, New Zealand, and last week, something tragic
happened. One of the worlds greatest adventurers, Sir Edmund Hillary,
died at the glorious age of 88. On the announcement of this, tributes
gushed forth from all over the planet. Words like “Colossus” and
“Legendary” were bandied about as he was compared to the mountain
he climbed first, Everest.
It was then that it dawned on me. Sir Hillary, aside from the slightly
girly last name, was an octogenarian with more intestinal fortitude than
the whole Manchester United football team put together. If he were to
face off in a Royal Rumble against the top ten Hip Hop artists he would
crush them all under his size 13 snow shoe. Just a sideways glance at
any list of sexiest, hottest or most admired men highlights the problem.
From the vapid list of actors in Hollywood to the waspish members of
the Premier League the problem is the same. No Balls, metaphorically
speaking.
Southern hemisphere rugby aside, the more you look at it, the more it
becomes clear that there really is something in the water down here.
So, for the benefit of the ADD-addled, here is my list, in reverse order,
of the all time Top Five Southern Hemisphere Hard Men.
5. Paul Hogan
Famous for pointing out obvious differences in cutlery. What is less
know about him is that he single handedly built the great Sydney
Harbour Bridge. He forged the steel out of smaller, less well endowed,
knives and fused them in place using his own spit.
4. Helen Clark
As the current Prime Minister of New Zealand, she could pass for a
bloke in any pub. On weekends she eats visiting dignitaries with mint
sauce and enjoys “Sheep Tossing” with Jonah Lomu. I am not saying
she throws sheep, she actually tosses them in a salad with a Jonah
Lomu dressing.
3. Sir Edmund Hillary
He became well known for being the first to sit on top of the world.
Less famous for doing it in Speedo swimming trunks and having a game
of tennis at the top. He also built schools in Nepal using just tooth picks
and Butter Chicken.
2. Russell Crowe
The star of Gladiator actually fought the lions [tigers? Eds.] in the
movie without the aid of stuntmen. He also resurrected the Sydney
Rabbitohs rugby team from the ashes. (He ate the charred remains of
their club house and unloaded a fully built clubhouse from his backside.)
1. Steve Irwin
Steve's life came to an unfortunate end when he was king-hit by a
stingray. At the time he was filming a movie called "Staying Alive"...
Local Queenslanders can still visit his whole family at “Australia Zoo”,
they were located next to the Oranguang Enclosure. Steve was a true
Australian Legend and was well known for his environmental
documentaries. Most of the time this just meant being mental in his
favourite environs.
Steve is number one on the list because he took the temperature of
salt water crocs per anum.
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