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The Week in Review
by Dominic Hilton
Saturday, February 2, 2008
It was a week that will go down in history, like Linda Lovelace or Monica
Lewinsky.
In the biggest news story of the year so far, pioneering British
superstore Asda announced plans to “equalize prices across the entire
boob-hammock market.”
“From now on, women with gargantuan gazongas will finally be treated
with the respect they have always deserved,” a spokeswoman said.
“Bras with cup sizes bigger than the Millennium Dome will cost the same
price as our training bras. We see no reason why two-backed chicks
with bee-stings should get off so lightly.”
For complicated reasons yet to be fully understood, the US economy
immediately slipped into recession.
Meanwhile, in New York, plans were finalised for a speed-dating event
at which rich older women get to meet pretty young men, at least two
of whom are straight.
Female applicants must be must be “over 35, earn at least $500,000 a
year or have a minimum of $4 million in liquid assets, entrusted assets or
divorce settlement.” (Reuters)
Male applicants must be astonishingly handsome editors of an online
humour magazine.
by Dominic Hilton
Saturday, February 2, 2008
It was a week that will go down in history, like Linda Lovelace or Monica
Lewinsky.
In the biggest news story of the year so far, pioneering British
superstore Asda announced plans to “equalize prices across the entire
boob-hammock market.”
“From now on, women with gargantuan gazongas will finally be treated
with the respect they have always deserved,” a spokeswoman said.
“Bras with cup sizes bigger than the Millennium Dome will cost the same
price as our training bras. We see no reason why two-backed chicks
with bee-stings should get off so lightly.”
For complicated reasons yet to be fully understood, the US economy
immediately slipped into recession.
Meanwhile, in New York, plans were finalised for a speed-dating event
at which rich older women get to meet pretty young men, at least two
of whom are straight.
Female applicants must be must be “over 35, earn at least $500,000 a
year or have a minimum of $4 million in liquid assets, entrusted assets or
divorce settlement.” (Reuters)
Male applicants must be astonishingly handsome editors of an online
humour magazine.
In other news, Doomsday could prove to be less of a bummer if you
happen to live on the remote Arctic Island of Svalbard. That’s because
the remote Arctic Island of Svalbard is home to the Doomsday Vault,
and this week, twenty-one boxes carrying seven thousand African
seeds landed in Norway (from where they will now be transported to the
remote Arctic Island of Svalbard).
If this strikes you as an astonishingly boring story in which I keep
repeating the phrase ‘the remote Arctic Island of Svalbard’ you’d be
absolutely right. But the event is worth mentioning because, in the
words of the BBC:
happen to live on the remote Arctic Island of Svalbard. That’s because
the remote Arctic Island of Svalbard is home to the Doomsday Vault,
and this week, twenty-one boxes carrying seven thousand African
seeds landed in Norway (from where they will now be transported to the
remote Arctic Island of Svalbard).
If this strikes you as an astonishingly boring story in which I keep
repeating the phrase ‘the remote Arctic Island of Svalbard’ you’d be
absolutely right. But the event is worth mentioning because, in the
words of the BBC:
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
Also see:
The vault is intended to act as insurance so that food
production can be restarted anywhere on Earth after a regional
or global catastrophe.
Built deep inside a mountain, the structure will eventually
house a vast collection of seeds; safeguarding world crops
against possible future disasters including nuclear wars and
dangerous climate change.
production can be restarted anywhere on Earth after a regional
or global catastrophe.
Built deep inside a mountain, the structure will eventually
house a vast collection of seeds; safeguarding world crops
against possible future disasters including nuclear wars and
dangerous climate change.
At the very least this is utterly depressing. If you are unlucky enough
to live on the remote Arctic Island of Svalbard and you just happen to
know the combination that gets you into the idiotic Doomsday Vault,
I’m guessing the last thing you’d want to do on Doomsday itself is plant
(or eat) a bunch of African seeds.
But even more utterly depressing is the fact that the BBC has
unashamedly started referring to climate change as “dangerous climate
change”. This column warned you about this ludicrous phrase
last December. And then they went ahead and used it anyway. Sheesh!
Meanwhile, several developments developed in The Never-Ending Story
of the Race for the White House ’08, the most important of which was
the incredibly alarming news that presidential hopeful Barack Obama
once WALKED OUT of an Englishman’s stag-do when the strippergram
arrived dressed as a St. Trinian’s schoolgirl.
In a sign of the shockingly low standards to which the mainstream
press has sunk, the vast majority of commentators reacted to this
scandalous story in support of Obama’s actions. Nevertheless, Obama’s
behaviour clearly rules him out as a serious presidential contender.
(Mrs. Bill “Hillary” Clinton, for one, would almost certainly have stayed
and watched – and perhaps even joined in.)
Elsewhere, in the latest inquest into the death of Princess Diana, the
jury was told that the blood samples of the chauffer, Henri Paul, “could
have been cooked.” That’s all we have to say about this.
In the science world, the science journal Science reported that
scientists had scientifically determined that, scientifically speaking,
“language evolves in quick bursts.” This is especially true if your sports
team is losing, or if you just dropped something heavy on your toe.
Meanwhile, as violence continued to spread across Kenya, Kenya’s
politicians agreed that the violence should not spread, especially
across Kenya.
And finally, “I don’t think we’ve got a generation of young people that
are going to the dogs,” said Britain’s Home Secretary. “In my opinion,
they’re going to the races.”
to live on the remote Arctic Island of Svalbard and you just happen to
know the combination that gets you into the idiotic Doomsday Vault,
I’m guessing the last thing you’d want to do on Doomsday itself is plant
(or eat) a bunch of African seeds.
But even more utterly depressing is the fact that the BBC has
unashamedly started referring to climate change as “dangerous climate
change”. This column warned you about this ludicrous phrase
last December. And then they went ahead and used it anyway. Sheesh!
Meanwhile, several developments developed in The Never-Ending Story
of the Race for the White House ’08, the most important of which was
the incredibly alarming news that presidential hopeful Barack Obama
once WALKED OUT of an Englishman’s stag-do when the strippergram
arrived dressed as a St. Trinian’s schoolgirl.
In a sign of the shockingly low standards to which the mainstream
press has sunk, the vast majority of commentators reacted to this
scandalous story in support of Obama’s actions. Nevertheless, Obama’s
behaviour clearly rules him out as a serious presidential contender.
(Mrs. Bill “Hillary” Clinton, for one, would almost certainly have stayed
and watched – and perhaps even joined in.)
Elsewhere, in the latest inquest into the death of Princess Diana, the
jury was told that the blood samples of the chauffer, Henri Paul, “could
have been cooked.” That’s all we have to say about this.
In the science world, the science journal Science reported that
scientists had scientifically determined that, scientifically speaking,
“language evolves in quick bursts.” This is especially true if your sports
team is losing, or if you just dropped something heavy on your toe.
Meanwhile, as violence continued to spread across Kenya, Kenya’s
politicians agreed that the violence should not spread, especially
across Kenya.
And finally, “I don’t think we’ve got a generation of young people that
are going to the dogs,” said Britain’s Home Secretary. “In my opinion,
they’re going to the races.”