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| Updated at least 26½ times a day |
The Week in Review
by Dominic Hilton
Saturday, January 5, 2008
The week began like any other year: with a monstro hangover and the
burning hope that whatever the next twelve months may bring they had
damn well better be nothing like the previous twelve, or else.
Things got off to a decent start in Pakistan, where grieving mourners
felt compelled to add to their ranks by launching an entirely new spiral of
violence triggered by the grief caused by the last spiral of violence. An
official poll showed that 94% of Pakistanis consider themselves part of
Pakistan’s “fanatical Islamist minority”.
The US Department of Defense responded to the latest dangerous
escalation of violent global violence by immediately airing a series of
hard-hitting anti-smoking adverts across a special selection of local US
radio networks. (Yes, global readers, this really is where a fair whack of
that $1 billion per day actually goes.)
Meanwhile, in Kenya, President Wacky Tobaccy rigged his own re-
election, triggering a Pakistan-style spiral of violent genocidal violence
that overnight turned Africa’s “second most semi-stable nation” into
“just another typical African hellhole” (CNN). In a typical display of
dignified statesmanship, African leaders united in support for Tobaccy,
issuing an official statement which congratulated the Kenyan President
for “living up to every depressing stereotype about African despots that
if anyone else mentions we will denounce as an imperially racist
stereotype.”
Displaying her famously sophisticated grasp of international affairs,
future Presidentwoman of the United States Hillary Clinton responded to
events in Kenya by quoting several of her favourite African proverbs,
including “It takes a village to raise a neighbouring village to the ground”
and “What you don’t learn from me, your mother, you can get off my
official campaign website, for a small donation.” Senator Clinton then
lectured a bemused crowd of Midwestern farmers on how they have “so
much to learn from Africa in terms of how to live, etcetera.”
Speaking of which, America held its first round of initial first-step primary
primaries in The Never-Ending Story of the Race for the White House
’08. In a shock result, Iowan Democrats voted in their thousands for
African-American Senator Barack Obama because he is “considerably
less likely to quote African proverbs” than his nearest rivals. Asked why
he hadn’t voted for Mrs. Clinton, one baseball-loving local corn farmer
named Ray Kinsella told reporters that he’d met former President Bill
“First Man” Clinton in the local tractor store and had felt spiritually
compelled to “Ease his pain.”
Then, just when it looked like things couldn’t get any brighter, oil went
and hit $100 a barrel for the first time in history, making it officially more
expensive than a keg of Coors Light. The response of the financial
markets was hard to summarise, but in the sobering words of one leading
Wall Street analyst: “To-ga! To-ga! To-ga!”
Meanwhile, the BBC maintained its reputation for the highest quality of
news journalism by reporting that
by Dominic Hilton
Saturday, January 5, 2008
The week began like any other year: with a monstro hangover and the
burning hope that whatever the next twelve months may bring they had
damn well better be nothing like the previous twelve, or else.
Things got off to a decent start in Pakistan, where grieving mourners
felt compelled to add to their ranks by launching an entirely new spiral of
violence triggered by the grief caused by the last spiral of violence. An
official poll showed that 94% of Pakistanis consider themselves part of
Pakistan’s “fanatical Islamist minority”.
The US Department of Defense responded to the latest dangerous
escalation of violent global violence by immediately airing a series of
hard-hitting anti-smoking adverts across a special selection of local US
radio networks. (Yes, global readers, this really is where a fair whack of
that $1 billion per day actually goes.)
Meanwhile, in Kenya, President Wacky Tobaccy rigged his own re-
election, triggering a Pakistan-style spiral of violent genocidal violence
that overnight turned Africa’s “second most semi-stable nation” into
“just another typical African hellhole” (CNN). In a typical display of
dignified statesmanship, African leaders united in support for Tobaccy,
issuing an official statement which congratulated the Kenyan President
for “living up to every depressing stereotype about African despots that
if anyone else mentions we will denounce as an imperially racist
stereotype.”
Displaying her famously sophisticated grasp of international affairs,
future Presidentwoman of the United States Hillary Clinton responded to
events in Kenya by quoting several of her favourite African proverbs,
including “It takes a village to raise a neighbouring village to the ground”
and “What you don’t learn from me, your mother, you can get off my
official campaign website, for a small donation.” Senator Clinton then
lectured a bemused crowd of Midwestern farmers on how they have “so
much to learn from Africa in terms of how to live, etcetera.”
Speaking of which, America held its first round of initial first-step primary
primaries in The Never-Ending Story of the Race for the White House
’08. In a shock result, Iowan Democrats voted in their thousands for
African-American Senator Barack Obama because he is “considerably
less likely to quote African proverbs” than his nearest rivals. Asked why
he hadn’t voted for Mrs. Clinton, one baseball-loving local corn farmer
named Ray Kinsella told reporters that he’d met former President Bill
“First Man” Clinton in the local tractor store and had felt spiritually
compelled to “Ease his pain.”
Then, just when it looked like things couldn’t get any brighter, oil went
and hit $100 a barrel for the first time in history, making it officially more
expensive than a keg of Coors Light. The response of the financial
markets was hard to summarise, but in the sobering words of one leading
Wall Street analyst: “To-ga! To-ga! To-ga!”
Meanwhile, the BBC maintained its reputation for the highest quality of
news journalism by reporting that
A family home was saved from burning down when a pair of giant
knickers were used to put out a fire.
Jenny Marsey's size 18-20 cotton pants were a lifesaver when they
were grabbed to cover a frying pan fire at her home in Meryl
Gardens, Hartlepool, Teesside.
Mrs Marsey, 53, said: “My £4.99 parachute knickers have come in
handy for something.”
knickers were used to put out a fire.
Jenny Marsey's size 18-20 cotton pants were a lifesaver when they
were grabbed to cover a frying pan fire at her home in Meryl
Gardens, Hartlepool, Teesside.
Mrs Marsey, 53, said: “My £4.99 parachute knickers have come in
handy for something.”
Elsewhere in Britain, justice was duly served when a 58 year-old woman
was beheaded at the Tower of London for driving at speeds lower than
10mph on the motorway. Stephanie Cole of Fishponds, Bristol, pleaded
innocence by telling her gaolers that she was undergoing treatment (at
taxpayer’s expense) for “fear of driving” and that she had “turned to
jelly inside” the moment she awoke behind the wheel of her Maserati on
the M32. The dangerous menace to society had even gone to the
trouble of posting a sign to side of her car that read:
was beheaded at the Tower of London for driving at speeds lower than
10mph on the motorway. Stephanie Cole of Fishponds, Bristol, pleaded
innocence by telling her gaolers that she was undergoing treatment (at
taxpayer’s expense) for “fear of driving” and that she had “turned to
jelly inside” the moment she awoke behind the wheel of her Maserati on
the M32. The dangerous menace to society had even gone to the
trouble of posting a sign to side of her car that read:
| I DON’T DO FAST If I’m too slow for you DON’T hoot Just overtake! |
which in Britain should be a hanging offence at the very least.
Back in America, the sale of transfats to hungry customers was
officially banned in Montgomery County, Maryland. One older customer
with a thick drawl set the local news crew straight: “This is AMERICA,”
he said, “home of the free. We invented liberty, and if I want to eat
transfats then I should be able to do so.” Amen to that.
Meanwhile, in the NFL, Tom Brady led the New England Patriots to a
record-breaking sixteenth win of the regular season WITHOUT ONCE
GETTING HELMET HAIR. Leading hair care experts described themselves
as “at a hair loss”.
In the entertainment world, as authorities feared that she was about
to eat her children, pop queen Britney Spears was strapped to a
harness with an iron mask clamped over her face and forcibly removed
from her trailer home. Spears’s ex-husband, Vanilla Ice, was
immediately granted custody of her thirteen kids.
In India, the northern state of Himachal Pradesh announced an
innovative scheme to end crime and boost the employment figures.
Jobless local men will from now on be forced to quit bumming around
the slums and start sterilising the local monkey terrorists. Said Prem
Kumar Dumal, the state’s chief minister, Himachal Pradesh will now be
on a “war footing” against its terrorist monkeys. This really happened.
And finally, an article in the Houston Chronicle predicted that by 2050
most men under 35 will be having sex with robots. David Levy, a 62
year-old British chess master and artificial intelligence sexpert, said
that the rumpy-pumpy will not only be gooooood, but also the only
chance most computer geeks will ever have of getting any. In fact,
Levy said, those nerds who can’t afford to sleep around, or are too
shy, will most likely end up marrying their favourite sexbots. This, of
course, opens up several ethical questions, like “Will the sexbots
complain if the physical act of love lasts less than two minutes?” and
“Will they still expect to cuddle afterwards?”
The article made no mention of real-life women, who we all know have
no interest in sex.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
Back in America, the sale of transfats to hungry customers was
officially banned in Montgomery County, Maryland. One older customer
with a thick drawl set the local news crew straight: “This is AMERICA,”
he said, “home of the free. We invented liberty, and if I want to eat
transfats then I should be able to do so.” Amen to that.
Meanwhile, in the NFL, Tom Brady led the New England Patriots to a
record-breaking sixteenth win of the regular season WITHOUT ONCE
GETTING HELMET HAIR. Leading hair care experts described themselves
as “at a hair loss”.
In the entertainment world, as authorities feared that she was about
to eat her children, pop queen Britney Spears was strapped to a
harness with an iron mask clamped over her face and forcibly removed
from her trailer home. Spears’s ex-husband, Vanilla Ice, was
immediately granted custody of her thirteen kids.
In India, the northern state of Himachal Pradesh announced an
innovative scheme to end crime and boost the employment figures.
Jobless local men will from now on be forced to quit bumming around
the slums and start sterilising the local monkey terrorists. Said Prem
Kumar Dumal, the state’s chief minister, Himachal Pradesh will now be
on a “war footing” against its terrorist monkeys. This really happened.
And finally, an article in the Houston Chronicle predicted that by 2050
most men under 35 will be having sex with robots. David Levy, a 62
year-old British chess master and artificial intelligence sexpert, said
that the rumpy-pumpy will not only be gooooood, but also the only
chance most computer geeks will ever have of getting any. In fact,
Levy said, those nerds who can’t afford to sleep around, or are too
shy, will most likely end up marrying their favourite sexbots. This, of
course, opens up several ethical questions, like “Will the sexbots
complain if the physical act of love lasts less than two minutes?” and
“Will they still expect to cuddle afterwards?”
The article made no mention of real-life women, who we all know have
no interest in sex.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008