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The Week in Review
by Dominic Hilton
Saturday, February 9, 2008
The week got off to a flying start with the joyous news that, as of
July 5, 2008, airline passengers will finally be able to travel to the Baltic
island of Usedom in the nude.
This “major human rights breakthrough” (Amnesty International) comes
courtesy of a German tour operator called OssiUrlaub, which is based in
Erfurt. In no way are the words OssiUrlaub or Erfurt funny. Neither, of
course, is Usedom.
Announcing its maiden kit-off voyage, OssiUrlaub was immediately
inundated with bookings (including two on the Lizard credit card).
During the flight, naked passengers will NOT be served hot drinks. Also,
the leather seats will be covered with special cloths. If you don’t know
why, you’ve clearly never been abroad.
In other welcome news, Italian doctors claimed that wearing high heels
improves women’s sex lives. Those Italians are so cunning.
Elsewhere, former British Prime Rib-Tickler, Tony Blair, continued to take
the world of comedy by storm with a new side-splitting gag:
by Dominic Hilton
Saturday, February 9, 2008
The week got off to a flying start with the joyous news that, as of
July 5, 2008, airline passengers will finally be able to travel to the Baltic
island of Usedom in the nude.
This “major human rights breakthrough” (Amnesty International) comes
courtesy of a German tour operator called OssiUrlaub, which is based in
Erfurt. In no way are the words OssiUrlaub or Erfurt funny. Neither, of
course, is Usedom.
Announcing its maiden kit-off voyage, OssiUrlaub was immediately
inundated with bookings (including two on the Lizard credit card).
During the flight, naked passengers will NOT be served hot drinks. Also,
the leather seats will be covered with special cloths. If you don’t know
why, you’ve clearly never been abroad.
In other welcome news, Italian doctors claimed that wearing high heels
improves women’s sex lives. Those Italians are so cunning.
Elsewhere, former British Prime Rib-Tickler, Tony Blair, continued to take
the world of comedy by storm with a new side-splitting gag:
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
Also see:
“I believe that the Middle East is a region in transition. The
question is transition to where? It can go to one of two places.
One is where the economy becomes the cutting edge of
globalisation so the politics and culture and forces for
modernisation and modernisation win out. Alternatively...”
question is transition to where? It can go to one of two places.
One is where the economy becomes the cutting edge of
globalisation so the politics and culture and forces for
modernisation and modernisation win out. Alternatively...”
HAHAHA! The guy’s just too funny.
In the Never Ending Story of the Race for the White House ’08,
Democratic frontrunner Mrs. Bill “Hillary” Clinton chose to show voters
that she is “a real person, with real mascara” by rubbing a gallon of
antiseptic lotion into her eyes 24 hours before the crucial Super Tuesday
vote. Alert readers will be aware that this exact same sequence of
events occurred last month 24 hours before the crucial New Hampshire
vote. Comatose readers probably voted for “Hillary the tearjerker”.
In the fashion world, Posh Spice attended a New York fashion show
dressed in a Guantanamo orange smock.
The American economy continued to spiral towards recession, which is
no surprise considering the gossip on Wall Street. In reference to Posh
Spice and her orange frock, Britain’s Daily Mail reported from New York:
In the Never Ending Story of the Race for the White House ’08,
Democratic frontrunner Mrs. Bill “Hillary” Clinton chose to show voters
that she is “a real person, with real mascara” by rubbing a gallon of
antiseptic lotion into her eyes 24 hours before the crucial Super Tuesday
vote. Alert readers will be aware that this exact same sequence of
events occurred last month 24 hours before the crucial New Hampshire
vote. Comatose readers probably voted for “Hillary the tearjerker”.
In the fashion world, Posh Spice attended a New York fashion show
dressed in a Guantanamo orange smock.
The American economy continued to spiral towards recession, which is
no surprise considering the gossip on Wall Street. In reference to Posh
Spice and her orange frock, Britain’s Daily Mail reported from New York:
Her knobbly knees and legs showing signs of cellulite were the
talk of the town yesterday
talk of the town yesterday
Those traders really should try focusing more on pork bellies.
Meanwhile, in a story that needs no elaboration:
Meanwhile, in a story that needs no elaboration:
A drunken man's threat to blow up half a city with his television
remote control forced Australian police to declare a state of
emergency at a luxury golf resort.
remote control forced Australian police to declare a state of
emergency at a luxury golf resort.
Shocking footage emerged of England’s cricketers confessing to a series
of female-friendly offences, such as
A new poll showed that British men spend 28 minutes per day on
grooming.
In response to the maddening news that the 600-year-old annual
Pancake Day race in Ripon, North Yorkshire was cancelled due to Health
and Safety concerns, a local woman told the BBC: “It’s politics – or
whatever you call it – gone mad, isn’t it?”
“Foreign policy actions and diplomatic moves smell of oil and gas,”
Russian President Vladimir “Putz” Putin told an assembled audience of oil
and gas moguls. The guests applauded wildly, until it became clear Putin
wasn’t talking about Russia.
Dispelling any doubt that mankind is progressing forward in the right
direction towards something bright and shiny, the Russian President then
announced the onset of a "new arms race - with a particular focus on
my biceps.”
Finally, there was widespread outcry and outrage and an outbreak of
outright outspoken out-and-out outpouring of outburst when the
Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. Wowan Rilliams, declared his intention to
convert to Islam.
Asked to justify his comments, Dr. Williams said that he’d sneaked a
peek at the latest demographics and was merely “being trendy.”
of female-friendly offences, such as
- dyeing (and teasing) their hair
- moisturizing
- getting spray-tans
A new poll showed that British men spend 28 minutes per day on
grooming.
In response to the maddening news that the 600-year-old annual
Pancake Day race in Ripon, North Yorkshire was cancelled due to Health
and Safety concerns, a local woman told the BBC: “It’s politics – or
whatever you call it – gone mad, isn’t it?”
“Foreign policy actions and diplomatic moves smell of oil and gas,”
Russian President Vladimir “Putz” Putin told an assembled audience of oil
and gas moguls. The guests applauded wildly, until it became clear Putin
wasn’t talking about Russia.
Dispelling any doubt that mankind is progressing forward in the right
direction towards something bright and shiny, the Russian President then
announced the onset of a "new arms race - with a particular focus on
my biceps.”
Finally, there was widespread outcry and outrage and an outbreak of
outright outspoken out-and-out outpouring of outburst when the
Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr. Wowan Rilliams, declared his intention to
convert to Islam.
Asked to justify his comments, Dr. Williams said that he’d sneaked a
peek at the latest demographics and was merely “being trendy.”