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| Updated at least 26½ times a day |
The Week in Review
by Dominic Hilton
Saturday, January 12, 2008
This week, more than any other, will be remembered for one word and
one word only. And that word is: Squidgygate.
Admittedly, like you, I have absolutely no idea what ‘Squidgygate’
means, but it sounds extremely… squidgy. A quick google search
suggests that ‘Squidgygate’ is in some way related to this week’s news
that GCHQ, the intelligence arm of the British Government (which has no
recognisable intelligence of its own), routinely bugged conversations
between Princess “Queen of Hearts” Diana and her polo-playing lovers
(by contrast, the British Government just bugs the hell out of all of us
all of the time).
While I am not at all sure what any of this has to do with Diana’s death,
I can say with confidence that ‘Squidgygate’, whatever it means, will
warrant at least thirteen new public inquiries with several thousand spin-
off hearings, all of which I will take absolutely no notice of.
Elsewhere, The Never-Ending Story of the Race for the White House ’08
produced a shock result when Bill Clinton came from behind at the last
minute in the New Hampshire primary caucus… No, hang on, that’s
another story. The important news is that, in New Hampshire, Mrs. Bill
“Hillary” Clinton defied the pollsters to defeat Barack Obama against all
odds to the surprise of everybody unexpectedly out of the blue from
nowhere.
A media-frenzy ensued as journos sought to explain their own
incompetence by offering theories about how “Hillary” unexpectedly
came from nowhere to defy the odds [etc.], including:
The BBC said “journalists will no longer be taking voters for granted.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Mrs. Bill “Hillary” Clinton’s surprise comeback victory is thought to have
been triggered by her not-at-all-media-managed attempt to cry and
“show she is a real person, with real mascara” after a woman in a local
diner asked her if “she has ever wondered at all whether she doesn’t in
fact have a God-given right to rule over other people’s lives, hmmm?”
“That hurts my feelings!” Hillary screamed in response, launching at the
woman with her false fingernails clawed, before sitting back down in
front of the cameras several minutes later after rubbing a gallon of
antiseptic lotion into her eyes.
It was a moving moment which appealed to liberated women voters in
New Hampshire who after years of sitting around their homes watching
Oprah refuse to take any notice of anything until somebody cries, or at
least pretends to.
In Britain, Prime Minister Gordon Blair announced ambitious plans for “a
New Age National Health Service.” The British public responded warmly,
agreeing that it is indeed high time the NHS was brought into the Stone
Age.
In the comic turn of the week, President George W. Bush flew to the
Middle East (accompanied by the entire United States Armed Forces) to
promote peace. My fellow Lizard editors and I were understandably
shocked to learn that there was even a need for the costly trip! “But
surely there’s already peace in the Middle East, isn’t there?” I said in
Wednesday’s whisky-fueled editorial meeting. “I mean, what with Tony
Blair’s role as peace envoy to the troubled region, I figured peace was a
cert. What’s the dude playing at?”
Tony Blair announced plans to work for JP Morgan.
Meanwhile, in the world of food and drink, Starbucks announced plans
to withdraw its troops from Italy on the grounds (grounds!) that Italy
already has hundreds of thousands of baristas who serve coffee which
“doesn’t taste like burnt hair.” Said Starbuck Starbucks, CEO of
Starbucks: “No biggie. We’ll conquer Italy next millennium.”
McDonald’s announced that it has sold more hamburgers in Britain in the
past year than everywhere else in the world in its entire history. The
people of Britain continued to denounce the fast food giant for selling
food the people of Britain want to eat.
The Affair of State between President Nicholas “Sarko” Sarkozy of the
Fifth French Republic and Carla “Phwooooaaaaarrrrrrr!!!!” Bruni took a
tres bizarre turn as it emerged on Friday that Ms. Bruni is pregnant with
the future President of the Fifteenth French Republic.
Sarkozy’s ex-wife, Celia, responded to the news with the classy grace
we have come to expect from a senior French empress, elegantly
berating her former husband for surrounding himself with “a bunch of
slappers”.
Tata Motors (literally, “Titty Motors”) unveiled the world’s crappest car
at a car show in Delhi, India. The Tata Nano retails at $1.59 with
special discount offers for writers who turned down bank jobs after
Oxford.
“I was dumbfounded. I thought I was dreaming,” said a Polish man who
discovered his wife amongst the employees of a brothel he was visiting
in Warsaw.
Finally, two men were arrested in New York after wheeling a dead man
in an office chair into a store and trying to cash his Social Security
check. Said Virgilio Cintron, the dead man: “What’s the world coming
to? I was trying to watch Wheel of Fortune.”
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
Also see:
by Dominic Hilton
Saturday, January 12, 2008
This week, more than any other, will be remembered for one word and
one word only. And that word is: Squidgygate.
Admittedly, like you, I have absolutely no idea what ‘Squidgygate’
means, but it sounds extremely… squidgy. A quick google search
suggests that ‘Squidgygate’ is in some way related to this week’s news
that GCHQ, the intelligence arm of the British Government (which has no
recognisable intelligence of its own), routinely bugged conversations
between Princess “Queen of Hearts” Diana and her polo-playing lovers
(by contrast, the British Government just bugs the hell out of all of us
all of the time).
While I am not at all sure what any of this has to do with Diana’s death,
I can say with confidence that ‘Squidgygate’, whatever it means, will
warrant at least thirteen new public inquiries with several thousand spin-
off hearings, all of which I will take absolutely no notice of.
Elsewhere, The Never-Ending Story of the Race for the White House ’08
produced a shock result when Bill Clinton came from behind at the last
minute in the New Hampshire primary caucus… No, hang on, that’s
another story. The important news is that, in New Hampshire, Mrs. Bill
“Hillary” Clinton defied the pollsters to defeat Barack Obama against all
odds to the surprise of everybody unexpectedly out of the blue from
nowhere.
A media-frenzy ensued as journos sought to explain their own
incompetence by offering theories about how “Hillary” unexpectedly
came from nowhere to defy the odds [etc.], including:
- White people are secretly racist against blacks
- Black people are secretly racist against blacks
- Women like women
- Women would like to go on dates with other women
- Women on women action
The BBC said “journalists will no longer be taking voters for granted.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Mrs. Bill “Hillary” Clinton’s surprise comeback victory is thought to have
been triggered by her not-at-all-media-managed attempt to cry and
“show she is a real person, with real mascara” after a woman in a local
diner asked her if “she has ever wondered at all whether she doesn’t in
fact have a God-given right to rule over other people’s lives, hmmm?”
“That hurts my feelings!” Hillary screamed in response, launching at the
woman with her false fingernails clawed, before sitting back down in
front of the cameras several minutes later after rubbing a gallon of
antiseptic lotion into her eyes.
It was a moving moment which appealed to liberated women voters in
New Hampshire who after years of sitting around their homes watching
Oprah refuse to take any notice of anything until somebody cries, or at
least pretends to.
In Britain, Prime Minister Gordon Blair announced ambitious plans for “a
New Age National Health Service.” The British public responded warmly,
agreeing that it is indeed high time the NHS was brought into the Stone
Age.
In the comic turn of the week, President George W. Bush flew to the
Middle East (accompanied by the entire United States Armed Forces) to
promote peace. My fellow Lizard editors and I were understandably
shocked to learn that there was even a need for the costly trip! “But
surely there’s already peace in the Middle East, isn’t there?” I said in
Wednesday’s whisky-fueled editorial meeting. “I mean, what with Tony
Blair’s role as peace envoy to the troubled region, I figured peace was a
cert. What’s the dude playing at?”
Tony Blair announced plans to work for JP Morgan.
Meanwhile, in the world of food and drink, Starbucks announced plans
to withdraw its troops from Italy on the grounds (grounds!) that Italy
already has hundreds of thousands of baristas who serve coffee which
“doesn’t taste like burnt hair.” Said Starbuck Starbucks, CEO of
Starbucks: “No biggie. We’ll conquer Italy next millennium.”
McDonald’s announced that it has sold more hamburgers in Britain in the
past year than everywhere else in the world in its entire history. The
people of Britain continued to denounce the fast food giant for selling
food the people of Britain want to eat.
The Affair of State between President Nicholas “Sarko” Sarkozy of the
Fifth French Republic and Carla “Phwooooaaaaarrrrrrr!!!!” Bruni took a
tres bizarre turn as it emerged on Friday that Ms. Bruni is pregnant with
the future President of the Fifteenth French Republic.
Sarkozy’s ex-wife, Celia, responded to the news with the classy grace
we have come to expect from a senior French empress, elegantly
berating her former husband for surrounding himself with “a bunch of
slappers”.
Tata Motors (literally, “Titty Motors”) unveiled the world’s crappest car
at a car show in Delhi, India. The Tata Nano retails at $1.59 with
special discount offers for writers who turned down bank jobs after
Oxford.
“I was dumbfounded. I thought I was dreaming,” said a Polish man who
discovered his wife amongst the employees of a brothel he was visiting
in Warsaw.
Finally, two men were arrested in New York after wheeling a dead man
in an office chair into a store and trying to cash his Social Security
check. Said Virgilio Cintron, the dead man: “What’s the world coming
to? I was trying to watch Wheel of Fortune.”
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
Also see: