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The Week in Review
by DOMINIC HILTON
Saturday, February 16, 2008
It was the week when President George W. Bush said, “I view the Olympics as a
sporting event.”
Asked to clarify the remark (for posterity’s sake), the President’s official spokesman
told the White House press corps that, “well… the Olympics has all that running and
high jumping and pole vaulting and everything, doesn’t it? I guess the President
noticed that.”
In other developments, high profile celebrity Victoria Beckham wore the same frock
that high profile celebrity Selma Blair had worn ONLY TWO NIGHTS BEFORE. This
earth-shattering event rightly warranted several thousand inches of newspaper
comment.
Meanwhile, peace in the Middle East became as distant a nightmare as ever when it
emerged that a powerful new anti-impotence drug is being popped by Israeli fighter
pilots to help them fly at high altitudes (the drug works on the proviso that the
pilot’s seatbelt isn’t fastened too tight). A Palestinian spokesman in London
denounced Israel’s “dispriapic” tactics.
In property news, the owner of a house in central England was found hanging dead
in his walk-in-closet by an estate agent who was showing off the “impressive
storage space” to a couple of prospective buyers. (Actually, this kind of thing
happens on a daily basis in England, but it’s been a slow week, so…)
Elsewhere, the singer Dolly Parton postponed her upcoming tour because her
breasts are too big.
In Iraq… No, OK, you probably think I’m making that Dolly Parton story up, but I
swear it’s true. “Hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you
don’t have back problems,” Dolly said in an official statement that I also swear I am
not making up. Miss Parton is 62.
As the world rocked on its heels, the Head Prefect British Foreign Secretary, David
‘Toast Rack’ Miliband, strenuously denied the suggestion that Afghanistan is a
“failed state”. Asked to elaborate, foreign office flunkies explained that Miliband
thinks Afghanistan is a “staled fate”.
Back in Israel, Asian restaurants went on a one-day spring roll strike.
That story is worth repeating: Back in Israel, Asian restaurants went on a one-day
spring roll strike.
In the next couple of weeks, Israelis will also have to swallow a sushi and noodles
strike.
These are all real stories, I swear. It’s been one of those weeks. (Fact: There are
100 sushi restaurants in Tel Aviv alone.)
If you’re wondering why exactly there’s a spring roll, sushi and noodle strike in
Israel, rest assured: so am I.
In London, violinist David Garrett fell down the steps of the Barbican Hall and his
eighteenth century violin, for which he had paid $1 million, was smashed to bits.
Classic!
In America, Jane Fonda said “cunt”… sorry, I mean “the four-letter ‘c’ word for
woman’s anatomy”* on the morning “Today” show. In repeat airings of the show,
the word was silenced and – this is not a joke – NBC put a still photograph on the
screen at the moment Fonda uttered the obscenity. (The still photograph was of “a
woman’s anatomy.”)
To raise the tone a bit for a second, National Geographic reported that barnacles
have penises that are eight times the length of their bodies. Richard Palmer of the
University of Alberta, Canada, who presented his findings on barnacle penises in
the X-rated journal Proceedings of the Royal Society B, told the magazine that “It’s
hard to get barnacles to extend their penises on demand in the lab.”
Meanwhile, Playboy magazine announced a fourth quarter loss of $1.1 million.
And finally, NASA backed a plan for British robots to erect mobile phone masts on
the moon. As I say, it was one of those weeks.
---
* Official scientific description, as according to Fox News.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
Dominic Hilton's Week in Review appears every Saturday on The Lizard.
Back to the homepage
by DOMINIC HILTON
Saturday, February 16, 2008
It was the week when President George W. Bush said, “I view the Olympics as a
sporting event.”
Asked to clarify the remark (for posterity’s sake), the President’s official spokesman
told the White House press corps that, “well… the Olympics has all that running and
high jumping and pole vaulting and everything, doesn’t it? I guess the President
noticed that.”
In other developments, high profile celebrity Victoria Beckham wore the same frock
that high profile celebrity Selma Blair had worn ONLY TWO NIGHTS BEFORE. This
earth-shattering event rightly warranted several thousand inches of newspaper
comment.
Meanwhile, peace in the Middle East became as distant a nightmare as ever when it
emerged that a powerful new anti-impotence drug is being popped by Israeli fighter
pilots to help them fly at high altitudes (the drug works on the proviso that the
pilot’s seatbelt isn’t fastened too tight). A Palestinian spokesman in London
denounced Israel’s “dispriapic” tactics.
In property news, the owner of a house in central England was found hanging dead
in his walk-in-closet by an estate agent who was showing off the “impressive
storage space” to a couple of prospective buyers. (Actually, this kind of thing
happens on a daily basis in England, but it’s been a slow week, so…)
Elsewhere, the singer Dolly Parton postponed her upcoming tour because her
breasts are too big.
In Iraq… No, OK, you probably think I’m making that Dolly Parton story up, but I
swear it’s true. “Hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you
don’t have back problems,” Dolly said in an official statement that I also swear I am
not making up. Miss Parton is 62.
As the world rocked on its heels, the Head Prefect British Foreign Secretary, David
‘Toast Rack’ Miliband, strenuously denied the suggestion that Afghanistan is a
“failed state”. Asked to elaborate, foreign office flunkies explained that Miliband
thinks Afghanistan is a “staled fate”.
Back in Israel, Asian restaurants went on a one-day spring roll strike.
That story is worth repeating: Back in Israel, Asian restaurants went on a one-day
spring roll strike.
In the next couple of weeks, Israelis will also have to swallow a sushi and noodles
strike.
These are all real stories, I swear. It’s been one of those weeks. (Fact: There are
100 sushi restaurants in Tel Aviv alone.)
If you’re wondering why exactly there’s a spring roll, sushi and noodle strike in
Israel, rest assured: so am I.
In London, violinist David Garrett fell down the steps of the Barbican Hall and his
eighteenth century violin, for which he had paid $1 million, was smashed to bits.
Classic!
In America, Jane Fonda said “cunt”… sorry, I mean “the four-letter ‘c’ word for
woman’s anatomy”* on the morning “Today” show. In repeat airings of the show,
the word was silenced and – this is not a joke – NBC put a still photograph on the
screen at the moment Fonda uttered the obscenity. (The still photograph was of “a
woman’s anatomy.”)
To raise the tone a bit for a second, National Geographic reported that barnacles
have penises that are eight times the length of their bodies. Richard Palmer of the
University of Alberta, Canada, who presented his findings on barnacle penises in
the X-rated journal Proceedings of the Royal Society B, told the magazine that “It’s
hard to get barnacles to extend their penises on demand in the lab.”
Meanwhile, Playboy magazine announced a fourth quarter loss of $1.1 million.
And finally, NASA backed a plan for British robots to erect mobile phone masts on
the moon. As I say, it was one of those weeks.
---
* Official scientific description, as according to Fox News.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
Dominic Hilton's Week in Review appears every Saturday on The Lizard.
Back to the homepage
