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| _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ |
The Week in Review
by Dominic Hilton
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Strangely little happened in the world this week, unless you count
the marriage of my friends Jones and Ilona, which has profound
international implications of its own that I won’t go into here, except
to say that Jones maintains a passion for genocidal warzones while
Ilona likes to shop in Dubai. At some point I imagine the United
Nations will have to intervene.
Speaking of which, the UN was busy this week hosting a big slap-up
clambake on the Indonesian island resort of Bali. Thousands of
government technocrats from around the world and Al Gore jetted
into paradise in their private jets to show their concern for the
environment by frowning and giving speeches about how “the time
for talking is at an end” while denouncing global warming as they
worked on their tans.
Recycled television reports showed millions of (frizzy-haired) people
(in flowing hemp skirts and ubersensible sandals with extra ankle
straps) rushing back and forth in front of the cameras gabbing into
their (carbon-neutral?) cell phones and looking (apocalyptically)
concerned. When interviewed by fawning media reporters,
environmentalists repeated the official mantra, “It’s science,” which
happens to be the same tactic used by Ron Burgundy to justify his
claim that “Women have smaller brains.”
Eventually a dramatic breakthrough was made that didn’t go far
enough, described by everybody as “A dramatic breakthrough that
didn’t go far enough, even though it was a dramatic breakthrough
that didn’t go far enough.” Thanks to this dramatic breakthrough,
from now on “climate change” will be officially described as
“dangerous climate change”. Look out for this.
Meanwhile, in Europe, a treaty was signed that everyone agreed was
“a constitution, not a treaty, that is not a constitution.” The moving
ceremony, held on the island resort of Portugal, involved lots of
anonymous men in dark suits, grey beards and rimless spectacles
shaking hands and congratulating themselves on enshrining
something that nobody ever asked for. “It’s science,” they explained
whenever anyone asked just what they mean by “ever closer union”.
In a controversial move, British Prime Minister Gordon Blair failed to
show up to the ceremony at the officially appointed time, blaming his
late arrival on the fact that he was “too busy right now cocking up
my own country to spare the time to cock up everybody else’s
countries as well.” Nevertheless, Blown eventually did his bit by
signing the constitreaty in a backroom, using an alias.
Unfortunately, he was not present for the Official Photo That No One
Will Ever Ever Look At and will now have to be photoshopped into
the shot at a later date. He has already requested that the official
EU airbrush ministry give him “a few less chins, please.”
Back in Britain it emerged that Adolf Hitler’s child may be roaming
the streets of Britain in disguise, either leeching off the state or
running it. The New Statesman reported that Unity “Unit” Mitford,
one of the unbelievably annoying Mitford twitsters, may have been
impregnated by Der Führer during a romantic sojourn at the
Nuremburg rallies. Enamoured, Hitler called Unity “a Nazi Aryan
Posho bee-yatch!” while Nitford called the German dictator
“surprisingly short”. When war broke out between England and
Germany, Nity walked into the English Garden in Munich and shot
herself in the head, miraculously curing herself of brain damage
before retiring to the Cotswolds and dying.
Meanwhile, in the Eleventh Annual “Wacky Warning Label Contest”
Kevin Soave of Farmington Hills, Michigan, walked off with $500 for
entering a warning label he saw on a tractor that read: “Danger:
Avoid Death”. This really happened.
“w00t” was declared Word of the Year, even though it was invented
by cretin online gamers to mean “Never Been Laid and Never Going
To Be”.
Meanwhile, just for fun, some South Korean scientists cloned some
cats that can glow in the dark. This makes them easier to shoot at
night.
Finally, some breaking news from Thailand. This weekend saw the
first of two consecutive weekends of booze blackouts before the
national elections. Says Watson Lovejoy, The Lizard's man on the
ground: "The authorities are afraid that if everyone gets pissed they
will start rioting. And this is at the heart of the tourist season - how
thick can you get? It's like being in a town full of Wayne Roonies."
Which begs the obvious question: How do you spell "Roonies"? Is it
"Roonies" or "Rooneys"? Answers on a postcard to
Watson Lovejoy
c/o The Lizard Magazine
Ping-Pong Bar
Downtown Bangkok
Thailand
© lizardmagazine.com, 2007
Also see: Last week in review
by Dominic Hilton
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Strangely little happened in the world this week, unless you count
the marriage of my friends Jones and Ilona, which has profound
international implications of its own that I won’t go into here, except
to say that Jones maintains a passion for genocidal warzones while
Ilona likes to shop in Dubai. At some point I imagine the United
Nations will have to intervene.
Speaking of which, the UN was busy this week hosting a big slap-up
clambake on the Indonesian island resort of Bali. Thousands of
government technocrats from around the world and Al Gore jetted
into paradise in their private jets to show their concern for the
environment by frowning and giving speeches about how “the time
for talking is at an end” while denouncing global warming as they
worked on their tans.
Recycled television reports showed millions of (frizzy-haired) people
(in flowing hemp skirts and ubersensible sandals with extra ankle
straps) rushing back and forth in front of the cameras gabbing into
their (carbon-neutral?) cell phones and looking (apocalyptically)
concerned. When interviewed by fawning media reporters,
environmentalists repeated the official mantra, “It’s science,” which
happens to be the same tactic used by Ron Burgundy to justify his
claim that “Women have smaller brains.”
Eventually a dramatic breakthrough was made that didn’t go far
enough, described by everybody as “A dramatic breakthrough that
didn’t go far enough, even though it was a dramatic breakthrough
that didn’t go far enough.” Thanks to this dramatic breakthrough,
from now on “climate change” will be officially described as
“dangerous climate change”. Look out for this.
Meanwhile, in Europe, a treaty was signed that everyone agreed was
“a constitution, not a treaty, that is not a constitution.” The moving
ceremony, held on the island resort of Portugal, involved lots of
anonymous men in dark suits, grey beards and rimless spectacles
shaking hands and congratulating themselves on enshrining
something that nobody ever asked for. “It’s science,” they explained
whenever anyone asked just what they mean by “ever closer union”.
In a controversial move, British Prime Minister Gordon Blair failed to
show up to the ceremony at the officially appointed time, blaming his
late arrival on the fact that he was “too busy right now cocking up
my own country to spare the time to cock up everybody else’s
countries as well.” Nevertheless, Blown eventually did his bit by
signing the constitreaty in a backroom, using an alias.
Unfortunately, he was not present for the Official Photo That No One
Will Ever Ever Look At and will now have to be photoshopped into
the shot at a later date. He has already requested that the official
EU airbrush ministry give him “a few less chins, please.”
Back in Britain it emerged that Adolf Hitler’s child may be roaming
the streets of Britain in disguise, either leeching off the state or
running it. The New Statesman reported that Unity “Unit” Mitford,
one of the unbelievably annoying Mitford twitsters, may have been
impregnated by Der Führer during a romantic sojourn at the
Nuremburg rallies. Enamoured, Hitler called Unity “a Nazi Aryan
Posho bee-yatch!” while Nitford called the German dictator
“surprisingly short”. When war broke out between England and
Germany, Nity walked into the English Garden in Munich and shot
herself in the head, miraculously curing herself of brain damage
before retiring to the Cotswolds and dying.
Meanwhile, in the Eleventh Annual “Wacky Warning Label Contest”
Kevin Soave of Farmington Hills, Michigan, walked off with $500 for
entering a warning label he saw on a tractor that read: “Danger:
Avoid Death”. This really happened.
“w00t” was declared Word of the Year, even though it was invented
by cretin online gamers to mean “Never Been Laid and Never Going
To Be”.
Meanwhile, just for fun, some South Korean scientists cloned some
cats that can glow in the dark. This makes them easier to shoot at
night.
Finally, some breaking news from Thailand. This weekend saw the
first of two consecutive weekends of booze blackouts before the
national elections. Says Watson Lovejoy, The Lizard's man on the
ground: "The authorities are afraid that if everyone gets pissed they
will start rioting. And this is at the heart of the tourist season - how
thick can you get? It's like being in a town full of Wayne Roonies."
Which begs the obvious question: How do you spell "Roonies"? Is it
"Roonies" or "Rooneys"? Answers on a postcard to
Watson Lovejoy
c/o The Lizard Magazine
Ping-Pong Bar
Downtown Bangkok
Thailand
© lizardmagazine.com, 2007
Also see: Last week in review