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| Updated at least 26½ times a day |
The Week in Review
by Dominic Hilton
Saturday, January 19, 2008
The good news this week is that the War on Terror is over. The bad
news is that we lost.
“We’ll get the terrorists next time,” the British Government declared,
triumphantly, in a non-ceremony with no flyovers and absolutely no
songs by Dame Vera Lynn. “And then maybe the time after that.”
Two other quotes to come out of the end of the War on Terror were:
One of these is actually true.
In other news, Russia and Britain edged ever closer to all-out nuclear
war when Russia declared the works of William Shakespeare to be “utter
pigswill”. The British Council in Russia (a body you really don’t want to
mess with) responded by enforcing a strategic blockade of the island of
Cuba. The Russian response to Britain’s response was unclear as this
column went to press, though the Lizard’s Moscow sources say it
sounded awfully close to “Huh?”
Speaking of Cuba, photographs released this week suggested that Fidel
Castro is alive and well and living in Disneyworld.
Tucked behind ‘America’ in Epcot Center’s World Showcase, ‘Cuba’ goes
virtually unnoticed by most fanny-packed Disney tourists, even though
it serves a great sandwich for $15. Castro is reported to be “stable,”
though “outraged at Disney’s universal no-smoking rule.”
Elsewhere, the science community continued its longstanding policy of
freaking the hell out of normal people when it released pictures of a
giant prehistoric rat that, according to some leading palaeontologists
wearing neckerchiefs, was “the size of one of those ballerina hippos in
Fantasia.”
In the Never-Ending Story of the Race for the White House ’08, Mrs. Bill
“Hillary” Clinton pretended to be a flight attendant on her campaign
plane and welcomed the press to “Hill Force One.” This was widely
considered by members of the media to be a hilarious joke and
conclusive proof that below the austere and fanatically ambitious
exterior, Mrs. Clinton is in fact Eddie Murphy in Raw.
In Beijing, British Prime Minister Gordon Blair refused to partake in a
game of ping pong with Prime Minister Wen Jiabao on the grounds that
he is “blind in at least one eye.”
The Chinese took great offence to Blown’s table tennis snub and called
him “a cyclopic ladyboy.” A diplomatic row ensued that will probably
result in all-out nuclear war (you read it here first).
In Budapest, Professor Csaba Molnar, a Hungarian ethnologist,
confessed to four counts of pioneering computer technology that will
help us better understand dog’s emotions, which as everyone knows
range from “There’s a squirrel!” to “There’s a squirrel!”
In the dock, Professor Molnar talked about creating “a device for dog-
human communication.”
To the surprise of precisely no one, Italy’s supreme court ruled that
recording secret videos of sex with your partner is not illegal. The
Italian Immigration Office was immediately inundated with calls from men
around the world begging to be granted entry.
Meanwhile, studies by the University of Sheffield concluded that
children are universally scared of clowns. The rest of the world was left
to wonder just how exactly it has taken so long for this to be
recognised.
Oh, and here’s the newsflash on plagiarism in school essays:
by Dominic Hilton
Saturday, January 19, 2008
The good news this week is that the War on Terror is over. The bad
news is that we lost.
“We’ll get the terrorists next time,” the British Government declared,
triumphantly, in a non-ceremony with no flyovers and absolutely no
songs by Dame Vera Lynn. “And then maybe the time after that.”
Two other quotes to come out of the end of the War on Terror were:
- “People who are really plotting attacks do so covertly.” Official
spokesman for the British Government. - “Fanatical terrorists cannot be won over by free outings to the
zoo.” President George W. Bush.
One of these is actually true.
In other news, Russia and Britain edged ever closer to all-out nuclear
war when Russia declared the works of William Shakespeare to be “utter
pigswill”. The British Council in Russia (a body you really don’t want to
mess with) responded by enforcing a strategic blockade of the island of
Cuba. The Russian response to Britain’s response was unclear as this
column went to press, though the Lizard’s Moscow sources say it
sounded awfully close to “Huh?”
Speaking of Cuba, photographs released this week suggested that Fidel
Castro is alive and well and living in Disneyworld.
Tucked behind ‘America’ in Epcot Center’s World Showcase, ‘Cuba’ goes
virtually unnoticed by most fanny-packed Disney tourists, even though
it serves a great sandwich for $15. Castro is reported to be “stable,”
though “outraged at Disney’s universal no-smoking rule.”
Elsewhere, the science community continued its longstanding policy of
freaking the hell out of normal people when it released pictures of a
giant prehistoric rat that, according to some leading palaeontologists
wearing neckerchiefs, was “the size of one of those ballerina hippos in
Fantasia.”
In the Never-Ending Story of the Race for the White House ’08, Mrs. Bill
“Hillary” Clinton pretended to be a flight attendant on her campaign
plane and welcomed the press to “Hill Force One.” This was widely
considered by members of the media to be a hilarious joke and
conclusive proof that below the austere and fanatically ambitious
exterior, Mrs. Clinton is in fact Eddie Murphy in Raw.
In Beijing, British Prime Minister Gordon Blair refused to partake in a
game of ping pong with Prime Minister Wen Jiabao on the grounds that
he is “blind in at least one eye.”
The Chinese took great offence to Blown’s table tennis snub and called
him “a cyclopic ladyboy.” A diplomatic row ensued that will probably
result in all-out nuclear war (you read it here first).
In Budapest, Professor Csaba Molnar, a Hungarian ethnologist,
confessed to four counts of pioneering computer technology that will
help us better understand dog’s emotions, which as everyone knows
range from “There’s a squirrel!” to “There’s a squirrel!”
In the dock, Professor Molnar talked about creating “a device for dog-
human communication.”
To the surprise of precisely no one, Italy’s supreme court ruled that
recording secret videos of sex with your partner is not illegal. The
Italian Immigration Office was immediately inundated with calls from men
around the world begging to be granted entry.
Meanwhile, studies by the University of Sheffield concluded that
children are universally scared of clowns. The rest of the world was left
to wonder just how exactly it has taken so long for this to be
recognised.
Oh, and here’s the newsflash on plagiarism in school essays:
Begging the question: just who are the 50% of teachers who still think
the essays they mark aren’t plagiarised? Sheesh!
Also in Britain, where lots of fascinating stuff happened this week
(excluding much the above), dozens of failed asylum seekers went on a
violent rampage, smashing windows and furniture and setting fire to
their asylum deportation centre because they didn’t have Sky TV.
“They complained about breaches of their human rights,” said
prosecutor Gareth Patterson. This really happened.
Finally, pop star Kylie Minogue – who also won a science contest this
week for best proportioned legs – admitted that she searches google for
men she might like to hook up with.
Kylie, if you’re reading, try searching for ‘Dominic Hilton Lizard
Magazine’. No commitments. And if you’re really desperate, you might
want to consider ‘Marc Sidwell Lizard Magazine’. Only, be warned; the
kid clings like a leech.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
Also see:
the essays they mark aren’t plagiarised? Sheesh!
Also in Britain, where lots of fascinating stuff happened this week
(excluding much the above), dozens of failed asylum seekers went on a
violent rampage, smashing windows and furniture and setting fire to
their asylum deportation centre because they didn’t have Sky TV.
“They complained about breaches of their human rights,” said
prosecutor Gareth Patterson. This really happened.
Finally, pop star Kylie Minogue – who also won a science contest this
week for best proportioned legs – admitted that she searches google for
men she might like to hook up with.
Kylie, if you’re reading, try searching for ‘Dominic Hilton Lizard
Magazine’. No commitments. And if you’re really desperate, you might
want to consider ‘Marc Sidwell Lizard Magazine’. Only, be warned; the
kid clings like a leech.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
Also see:
More than half of teachers are concerned that plagiarism is a
major problem, a teaching union has warned.
major problem, a teaching union has warned.