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The Week in Review
by DOMINIC HILTON
Saturday, February 23, 2008
It was a week in which US Secretary of State Condoleeeezzzzza Rice called an
historic press conference to issue the following statement:
In other news, Fidel Castro, who has been dead now for at least twelve months,
told the people of Cuba that he was finally standing down as their beloved dictator.
“I am now nearly as rotten as my ideas,” he explained.
Joyous celebrations in South Florida failed to materialise when the hugely influential
Committee of Miami-Based Cuban Exiles in Charge of Organising the Joyous
Celebrations to Celebrate Castro’s Gruesome Glorious Death, which has spent the
past forty-nine years finalising the arrangements for a massive anti-communist
carnival, announced that it was “caught on the back foot” and required “at least
another decade or two” to get all its floats up to the required safety standards.
Meanwhile, the rest of the United States took little notice of the events taking place
in its nether regions, preoccupied as it was by other things, like saving mankind by
blowing malfunctioning toxic satellites out of the sky with enormous missiles.
China and Russia were quick to voice their disapproval of America’s heroic saving of
Planet Earth. “We’d have let it burn,” the two nations said in a revealing joint
statement.
In Pakistan,* Benzene Butane’s controversial electoral strategy of getting
assassinated last December paid off when her party crushed the party of President
Pervert Mushypeas in nationwide polls. “In your face!” said Butane in her edifying
press release.
In terrorism news, as terrorists continued to hatch plots across Britain, the
Metropolitan Police showed its determination to prevent major terrorist activity by
launching a massive sting operation and arresting an 80-year-old man for kerb
crawling.
Elsewhere, Britney Spears went commando.
Men the world over were unsure how to react to the stimulating news that millions
of women don’t have a G-spot. Male responses to the study out of the University of
L’Aquila in Italy ranged from the common “I feel vindicated!” to the popular “Oh, no!
You mean I have to try harder in the sack?”
In Latvia, a British man was sentenced to five days in jail for urinating on Riga’s
treasured Freedom Monument. The Freedom Monument was erected in 1935, after
which Latvia enjoyed 50 years of Soviet occupation.
And finally, French scientists invented a new form of artificial rubber that self-repairs
when it has been sliced in two. The material is made from vegetable oil and urine.
“It only works if the lab rat hasn’t been drinking,” explained Dr. Nicholas Britney of
the Paris Institute of Scientific Studies.
---
* Beware any paragraph that begins ‘In Pakistan,”.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
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by DOMINIC HILTON
Saturday, February 23, 2008
It was a week in which US Secretary of State Condoleeeezzzzza Rice called an
historic press conference to issue the following statement:
- “I just want to report that the President did a fair amount of dancing when
he was in Africa and demonstrated that he can stay on the beat.”
In other news, Fidel Castro, who has been dead now for at least twelve months,
told the people of Cuba that he was finally standing down as their beloved dictator.
“I am now nearly as rotten as my ideas,” he explained.
Joyous celebrations in South Florida failed to materialise when the hugely influential
Committee of Miami-Based Cuban Exiles in Charge of Organising the Joyous
Celebrations to Celebrate Castro’s Gruesome Glorious Death, which has spent the
past forty-nine years finalising the arrangements for a massive anti-communist
carnival, announced that it was “caught on the back foot” and required “at least
another decade or two” to get all its floats up to the required safety standards.
Meanwhile, the rest of the United States took little notice of the events taking place
in its nether regions, preoccupied as it was by other things, like saving mankind by
blowing malfunctioning toxic satellites out of the sky with enormous missiles.
China and Russia were quick to voice their disapproval of America’s heroic saving of
Planet Earth. “We’d have let it burn,” the two nations said in a revealing joint
statement.
In Pakistan,* Benzene Butane’s controversial electoral strategy of getting
assassinated last December paid off when her party crushed the party of President
Pervert Mushypeas in nationwide polls. “In your face!” said Butane in her edifying
press release.
In terrorism news, as terrorists continued to hatch plots across Britain, the
Metropolitan Police showed its determination to prevent major terrorist activity by
launching a massive sting operation and arresting an 80-year-old man for kerb
crawling.
Elsewhere, Britney Spears went commando.
Men the world over were unsure how to react to the stimulating news that millions
of women don’t have a G-spot. Male responses to the study out of the University of
L’Aquila in Italy ranged from the common “I feel vindicated!” to the popular “Oh, no!
You mean I have to try harder in the sack?”
In Latvia, a British man was sentenced to five days in jail for urinating on Riga’s
treasured Freedom Monument. The Freedom Monument was erected in 1935, after
which Latvia enjoyed 50 years of Soviet occupation.
And finally, French scientists invented a new form of artificial rubber that self-repairs
when it has been sliced in two. The material is made from vegetable oil and urine.
“It only works if the lab rat hasn’t been drinking,” explained Dr. Nicholas Britney of
the Paris Institute of Scientific Studies.
---
* Beware any paragraph that begins ‘In Pakistan,”.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
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