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The Week in Review
by Dominic Hilton
Saturday, January 26, 2008
This week will be remembered for one single event so horrific its like has
never been seen before and had better never be seen again, or else.
I refer, of course, to Tottenham’s thrashing of Arsenal (5-1!) in the
second-leg semi-final of the Carling Cup.
For obvious reasons, it is extremely necessary that this horrifying event
is never spoken of again, so believe me when I say that that’s all I am
going to say about it.
Except: Why, dear God, Why?
Truth be told, all hell broke loose this week in the world of sport. As
mankind was still reeling from the shock of the event that shall never be
spoken of again, the unseeded Jo-Wilfried Tsonga dismantled Rafael
Nadal in straight sets at the Australian Open. Twenty-four hours later
Novak Djokovic (a dead ringer for Slider in Top Gun) bogwashed the
maestro, Roger Federer, also in straight sets.
On this form, expect an asteroid to hit Planet Earth this weekend.
Another strange, inexplicable thing that figured prominently this week
were women.
First, there was a big scandal in the United States because Oprah
Winfrey, a black woman, chose to back Barack Obama, a black man, for
the Presidency, instead of Hillary Clinton, a white woman.
According to lots of Hillary-worshipping women who wrote abusive
comments on Oprah’s website, this finally proved once and for all that
Oprah is a sexist misogynist and that she is fundamentally anti-women,
especially white ones.
Oprah, the most influential woman in the history of misogyny™, was
reportedly ‘startled’ at the negative female reaction to her support for
Obama, asking the fans who had called her an “evil traitor to
womankind” if it was their “time of the month, or something?”
Meanwhile,
by Dominic Hilton
Saturday, January 26, 2008
This week will be remembered for one single event so horrific its like has
never been seen before and had better never be seen again, or else.
I refer, of course, to Tottenham’s thrashing of Arsenal (5-1!) in the
second-leg semi-final of the Carling Cup.
For obvious reasons, it is extremely necessary that this horrifying event
is never spoken of again, so believe me when I say that that’s all I am
going to say about it.
Except: Why, dear God, Why?
Truth be told, all hell broke loose this week in the world of sport. As
mankind was still reeling from the shock of the event that shall never be
spoken of again, the unseeded Jo-Wilfried Tsonga dismantled Rafael
Nadal in straight sets at the Australian Open. Twenty-four hours later
Novak Djokovic (a dead ringer for Slider in Top Gun) bogwashed the
maestro, Roger Federer, also in straight sets.
On this form, expect an asteroid to hit Planet Earth this weekend.
Another strange, inexplicable thing that figured prominently this week
were women.
First, there was a big scandal in the United States because Oprah
Winfrey, a black woman, chose to back Barack Obama, a black man, for
the Presidency, instead of Hillary Clinton, a white woman.
According to lots of Hillary-worshipping women who wrote abusive
comments on Oprah’s website, this finally proved once and for all that
Oprah is a sexist misogynist and that she is fundamentally anti-women,
especially white ones.
Oprah, the most influential woman in the history of misogyny™, was
reportedly ‘startled’ at the negative female reaction to her support for
Obama, asking the fans who had called her an “evil traitor to
womankind” if it was their “time of the month, or something?”
Meanwhile,
Obvious answer: carnage. Also, we would learn that the word misandric
means man-hating. That was news to all of us at The Lizard, though we
plan to use it a lot from now on in our official communications.
I should explain that this question was posed in relation to a Canadian
TV show in which women were paid off to abandon their families, but I
can’t think of a good way of saying it, so I won’t bother.
In other news, North American scientists announced this week that
they are working on a new biofuel which will enable all cars in the future
to run on bacteria.
I read several articles about this, but it was late, and I had been out
respecting beer, so I didn’t really follow any of them. Suffice to say, the
article kept referring to Mycoplasma genitalium, which are two other
words we will be using a lot more in future at The Lizard.
What the article strangely failed to mention was that in my lifetime I
have been in several cars that actually generated their own bacteria
biofuel (and sometimes, in the back seat, Mycoplasma genitalium).
Indeed, my friend Jones used to have a rollerskate whose passenger
door was actually made exclusively out of bacteria. Whenever we used
to drive to watch Barnét games, we would both have to sit in the
driver’s seat, for fear of accidentally touching the passenger door and
turning into Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.
If only we had properly understood back then that the world was on its
last legs and that the door of that Mini Metro could have made us both
stupendously rich eco-warriors. All we needed was a wallpaper scraper
and we’d have been minted by now.
Speaking of which, in Britain, the Secretary of State for State
Secretaries, Pieter Hainous, resigned his post from his office under his
cabinet after it was denied then admitted by him and everyone else
that he may have and then did in fact take some money from someone
suspicious who had a lot of money to give to politicians, allegedly (this
was the official explanation as I heard it at 7am over someone’s boiled
egg, so don’t blame me if it is gobbledegook). In his farewell speech to
the House of Commons, Hainous announced that he had been
“astonishingly” bad at every “job” he had “ever done” and that he was
“sorry” for being “such” a stupid ass (again, it was early, and my
notepad has black pudding stains all over it, so allow me a few
liberties).
Hainous was then called back into the chamber after his gracious exit to
collect his permatan, which was still stuck to the storied green leather
benches. MPs eventually had to use a wallpaper stripper to peel it off,
which just goes to show that Jones and I could have got a whopping
government grant for our bacteria scam.
Finally, one of The Lizard editors (whose idiotic name currently escapes
me) had a launch party for his first book this week. Inevitably, it ended
in a fistfight.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
Also see:
means man-hating. That was news to all of us at The Lizard, though we
plan to use it a lot from now on in our official communications.
I should explain that this question was posed in relation to a Canadian
TV show in which women were paid off to abandon their families, but I
can’t think of a good way of saying it, so I won’t bother.
In other news, North American scientists announced this week that
they are working on a new biofuel which will enable all cars in the future
to run on bacteria.
I read several articles about this, but it was late, and I had been out
respecting beer, so I didn’t really follow any of them. Suffice to say, the
article kept referring to Mycoplasma genitalium, which are two other
words we will be using a lot more in future at The Lizard.
What the article strangely failed to mention was that in my lifetime I
have been in several cars that actually generated their own bacteria
biofuel (and sometimes, in the back seat, Mycoplasma genitalium).
Indeed, my friend Jones used to have a rollerskate whose passenger
door was actually made exclusively out of bacteria. Whenever we used
to drive to watch Barnét games, we would both have to sit in the
driver’s seat, for fear of accidentally touching the passenger door and
turning into Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.
If only we had properly understood back then that the world was on its
last legs and that the door of that Mini Metro could have made us both
stupendously rich eco-warriors. All we needed was a wallpaper scraper
and we’d have been minted by now.
Speaking of which, in Britain, the Secretary of State for State
Secretaries, Pieter Hainous, resigned his post from his office under his
cabinet after it was denied then admitted by him and everyone else
that he may have and then did in fact take some money from someone
suspicious who had a lot of money to give to politicians, allegedly (this
was the official explanation as I heard it at 7am over someone’s boiled
egg, so don’t blame me if it is gobbledegook). In his farewell speech to
the House of Commons, Hainous announced that he had been
“astonishingly” bad at every “job” he had “ever done” and that he was
“sorry” for being “such” a stupid ass (again, it was early, and my
notepad has black pudding stains all over it, so allow me a few
liberties).
Hainous was then called back into the chamber after his gracious exit to
collect his permatan, which was still stuck to the storied green leather
benches. MPs eventually had to use a wallpaper stripper to peel it off,
which just goes to show that Jones and I could have got a whopping
government grant for our bacteria scam.
Finally, one of The Lizard editors (whose idiotic name currently escapes
me) had a launch party for his first book this week. Inevitably, it ended
in a fistfight.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
Also see:
What would happen if all the women were to disappear from a
town, leaving the men to not only work, but also take care of
the family and the home? (Reuters)
town, leaving the men to not only work, but also take care of
the family and the home? (Reuters)